Welcome, Hump Day first-timers and repeat offenders. I’m Sam, a senior here at the University of Wisconsin and your resident Herald sex columnist. I enjoy glistening yoga sessions, eating sweet things and being the big spoon. My personal sex goals for this year include mastering sensual oil massage techniques and adding the final tools to complete my dream sex toy collection. What about you?

Email me your sexy musings and sexual health questions anytime you think of them at humpday@badgerherald.com.  On my honor as a sexual health educator, your intimate questions and column suggestions will remain totally confidential. I spend way too much time reading about, talking about and thinking about sex to register your identity.

Topics to look forward to include oral sex techniques, how to select your soul mate vibrator, navigating friends with benefits and a sociological view of hook-up culture.

This column is NOT a masturbation aid, guaranteed to get you off by the 800th word. I’ll be keeping it hot and panty-twisting, so the occasional hard-on or slippery wetness below is to be expected. But I wouldn’t suggest using the Wednesday paper as your midday jerk session erotica.

This column also will not draw inspiration from Cosmo, Playboy or AskMen. I much prefer to give you concrete, tried and true sex tips and advice for your boudoir repertoire that the typical undergrad can easily and realistically whip out. 

Unlike those other guys who use ambiguous euphemisms, I will be frank, graphic and sometimes crude in my responses to your questions. I promise to never leave you with an empty piece of advice like, “Tease your man’s hot spots until he can’t contain himself.”  I’m much more of the, “Suck that cock down until it’s covered in thick, back-of the throat slobber that you can use to jerk that hot, squirting cum out like a geyser” writing style.

So, let’s get down to it, shall we? Here are some commonly held sex myths that are in need of busting.

The bigger the better: Penis size is definitely not the be all, end all of great penetrative sex. The upper two-thirds of the vagina doesn’t even have many nerve endings, so those extra inches of dick will land on unappreciative tissue. Girth is where it’s at. The juicy erectile tissues and organs surrounding the vaginal canal can sense the stuffing, so thicker penises quite often receive explicit, vocal praise. 

There is truth, however, to the words of wisdom, “it’s not what you’ve got, but how you use it.” Rotating the hips to hit all angles, especially plowing down on the lower wall of the vagina, toward the back, gives a strong ‘getting fucked’ feeling. Twizzler dicks and chodes of all shapes and sizes are welcome!

Trojans are the best condoms ever.
Trojan certainly has the best, most visible marketing campaign of any condom. It carries the most brand recognition of any condom producing company, and people pay money for the security of purchasing things that they are familiar with. But all condoms on the market are FDA approved to do the exact same job.

Sex toys are addictive.
There is nothing about the vibration stimulation that damages, reduces or changes the physiology of nerve receptors in any way. Orgasming from a vibrator, no matter how many times you’ve done it, will not interfere with your body’s capability to orgasm in other settings. But it is possible to become accustomed to a certain types of stimulation. 

If you’re fretting at the possibility that you have become accustomed to getting off with your vibe, you could try laying off the toys for a bit. If you want to get yourself real riled up and horny, abstaining from masturbation for a couple days before hooking up could do the trick. You could try using your vibrator in a different way or even experiment with a different toy that does the same deed. You even could suggest the possibility of inviting your best friend to you and your partner’s bedroom party, as long as you talk it over beforehand – toys need not be reserved solely for solo play!

When it comes to condoms, put two on. Do not, I repeat do NOT do this. Asher Roth was wrong. The two latex skins rubbing together can cause friction – not the good, sexy kind – and result in a pair of torn condoms. One condom, used properly, is over 98% effective in preventing pregnancy and the transmission of fluid-spread STIs like HIV.

Young pussy does not need lube.

Yes, pussies do produce the best silky, slick juices prime for slippery sliding things in and out. And the wetter the sex, the better the sex! But sometimes ladybits do need some extra help, especially during an extended romp session. 

Female sexual arousal can also be a self-inducing cycle. Feeling the wetness of an applied lube can trigger the mental processes to get even wetter. Plus, condoms tend to have a more “natural” feeling when you add a drop or two of lube into the tip.

That’s all for now kids. Until next time, stay sexy and safe!

Sam Johnson is a senior majoring in sociology and gender and women’s studies. Please send questions, comments and column ideas to humpday@badgerherald.com.