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The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

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Advice for handling ‘no strings’ love

“No Strings Attached:” Sappy, hilarious and really awesome if you’re a) female and b) into strangely realistic sex scenes starring hot people.

But aside from the obvious upsides, Portman and Kutcher’s new chick flick made me reconsider how we “young people” handle non-relationships in a setting as atypical as college. The whole friends-with-benefits thing isn’t too common for us, which according to Portman, is probably because we haven’t yet reached a lifestyle that welcomes a no-strings relationship. Think about it: we’re not working 80-hour weeks, we have a million opportunities to socialize outside of class and we’re hopefully not too frustrated with the dating scene yet (not that one exists, but if it did…).

This whole lifestyle discrepancy leads to the question – Is there a college equivalent to being someone’s “friend with benefits”? And while there might not be a direct parallel, I think the closest match can be described as “non-friends-or-at-best-casual-acquaintances with benefits,” “non-relationships” or in other words, people who consistently hook up with each other.

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Webster’s Dictionary (read: my brain) defines “hooking up” as a casual intimate relationship between two people who may or may not have known one another prior to their first sexual encounter. Hooking up often begins in social settings like bars, parties or Chatroulette, if you’re weird.

That being said, I’d like to answer a few questions about the sustainability of hooking up.

Question #1: Is it possible to be intimate with someone for an extended period of time without either person getting emotionally involved?

The short answer: No.

The one-sentence answer: Not if you want it to be remotely enjoyable beyond the first few encounters.

The long-winded answer: While hooking up can easily begin emotionally free, it’s debatable whether it can ever truly stay that way. If two people have spent a considerable amount of time together, they probably don’t hate each other. If two people have spent a considerable amount of time together while also being naked, they probably don’t hate being intimate with each other either. If either of those things wasn’t true, it seems logical that one or more partners would agree to call it quits, or in true college form, just start awkwardly avoiding one another at the KK…right?

Sadly, that’s not always how it goes. Even though non-relationships can start with both partners on equal footing, they rarely stay that way. While some consistent hook ups can end amicably or even turn into full-fledged relationships, one partner often develops more feelings than the other. According to an anonymous friend of mine, “Nine times out of ten, that person is the girl,” which leads me to my next question…

Question #2: Does gender play a role in the lasting power of non-relationships, or do they depend more on personality?

Biologically, there’s somewhat of a difference between how men and women react to sexual intimacy. While members of both sexes release a hormone called oxytocin after having an orgasm, its effect on women is much stronger and more enduring. Oxytocin, which is frequently – and nauseatingly – called “the cuddle hormone,” causes a euphoric reaction that makes partners feel close to one another. It can also boost feelings of trust, empathy and attraction, which is kind of freaky when you think about it.

Women’s biological tendency towards oxytocin seems like a reasonable explanation for why we’re usually known as the ones who “want more.” But there’s also something to be said for how personality, lifestyle and context factor into casual relationships.

This is complete speculation, but I think each person has their own unique “breaking point” for emotional involvement. Some people just can’t handle a relationship without developing feelings, and others can sustain one for x-amount of time, but very few people – except maybe serial killers – can truly remain in a functional, long-lasting casual hookup. Gender aside, some people just deal with it better than others, whether that’s due to their overall disposition or the point they’re at in their own life.

Question #3: Is this just how our generation works, or is it something we’ll grow out of when we become real people with lunch meetings and business cards?

Yeah, probably, considering we’ll soon be working/in grad school and simply won’t have the time, energy or patience to go out and meet randos every weekend. But regardless of our imminent lifestyle changes, our generation – deemed “Millennials” by Wikipedia and other really official sources – is more sexually active than any of our predecessors. So while the real world might force us out of this hookup-based culture, our openness could easily determine the course of our twenties.

In any casual relationship, the most important thing is to stay aware of how you feel about your situation, and more importantly, how you feel about yourself. Convincing yourself you can handle something is vastly different from actually being happy doing it, so whatever path you choose, make sure it’s one that’ll make you feel satisfied, confident and assertive.

Rachel Dickens is a trained Facebook stalker and a senior studying strategic communications in the School of Journalism. Have a question? E-mail: [email protected]

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