The first date, the first kiss, the first fuck. For some these are things that only happen once in a lifetime. For others, it’s more like once every two months. There’s a popular song that talks about getting your heart broken and then “tripping and stumbling” back into love. The beauty of a new relationship is in the excitement and mystery. The apprehensive “Will she call?”, “What did that text mean?” and “No seriously, do they like me?” The intense scrutiny of every look, touch and that first kiss. It’s a big experiment, and today we’re giving you a few hypotheses to put to the test.

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How much does the first kiss tell me?

Our theory — The first kiss can answer a number of questions. It all depends on what you ask of it. For some the first kiss is simply a preview of upcoming events. Dry and quick: you guessed it. Tongue-filled and wet: may indicate a night with someone who loves oral. Our opinion: Saliva running down your chin. Eh, no. Saliva running down your cock or pussy: Hot.

The jabbing tongue could be the beginning of an evening with a whole lot of jack rabbit sex. Or the kissing style could be a leftover habit from a pervious partner. Whatever the reason or preview, the real issue at hand is the compatibility and commitment.

A first kiss can be a wildfire-igniting moment where you realize you’ve met your match sexually and emotionally. A first kiss can also be a bit soggy on the spark-inducing scale and still become firework-worthy over time. The question is, should you wait for the big bang to happen or can you create your own theory?

If you’re with someone who turns you on but needs some technique tweaks, go for it. Gentle guiding, such as dry, smaller peck-like kisses can tame an overeager tongue, whereas an open mouth and some tongue tracing on the rim of your partner’s lips may open them up to some deep frenching. Moaning when your partner kisses you just right will give them cues to keep doing that quirky little motion with their lips.

If several sessions of nonverbal cues still leave you unsatisfied, address your desire directly. Reinforce the good stuff while breaking the not-so-great habits. Tell them you want to play a game of copycat. Request that they lie down with their mouth slightly open and their eyes shut. Start tracing their lips. Ask them to focus on your tongue and lips and trace the same trail.

Of course, if the kiss completely turns you off because their tongue is triggering your gag reflex, say so immediately. Start with “I am so turned on by you. Can we focus more on slow, shallower kisses? That really gets me in the mood.” Knowing your body and communicating that to your potential partner from the beginning will ensure you are both able to respond to each other’s preferences.

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Can I trust the first fuck?

Short answer: No.

Nerves, alcohol, a new set of genitalia and entirely new sensations can really get in the way of knowing whether the sex is actually awesome or not. The rule of three falls into the first time sex category. The first time can be awkward. Getting objects, holes, fingers, faces and toes aligned. The second time is an adjustment period. You’re still trying to discern the tempo and the exact location of hot spots. By the third try, you are both more at ease, a little more familiar with the area, and can start to really delve into what feels good.

Of course there are some first time sex offenses that need to be addressed the moment that they arise.

Jackrabbit sex: Flip your partner over and climb on top. Ride that cock or dildo with the speed and angle you like, while caressing and kissing your partner. Showing them how turned on you are with a certain type of penetration can then give them more incentive to slow down and read your lips and body.

Not the greatest oral: When the raising of hips and groaning don’t get their attention, giving simple ecstatic directions like, “Oh yes, I really love it when you play with my balls,” or “Mmmm… I really wish you would lick like that some more.” Playing with your partner’s hair and guiding them can also be fun. Ask if they are OK with this, and never force anyone down. Cursory guidance only.

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Will I ever cum?

Hypothesis: The cum will come when you are relaxed, comfortable, use lots o’ lube, are more familiar with your body and can communicate (verbally and visually) to your partner what you desire.

Lube it up! People should really swim in lube. If the position or the object creates discomfort, change positions and go smaller. Way smaller. If it won’t budge, relax. Take your time, especially with new partners and first time experiences. It can take several months to truly get comfortable with someone or something new.

Remember, you can orgasm without having great sex, and you can have great sex without an orgasm. People climax in different ways. Some can cum through fantasizing, others by getting their ears sucked. Whatever way you like, have at it.

This is our last column for the semester. Suzie and Nicolette will be back next fall. Our last bit of sex advice: Always give and receive tons of pleasure with full consent, plenty of moaning, buckets of lube and cartons of condoms (preferably studded). Enjoy.

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Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a facilitator for Sex Out Loud and Suzie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker. Comments? Questions? E-mail: [email protected]

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