Dear Anthony,

I work for a student organization with a wide variety of people. For the most
part, I get along with most of them. There is one coworker, however, who really
rankles me. Dealing with this person really adds stress to my normal day and
makes an otherwise fun job miserable.

It’s not just me either. Several of my coworkers have
talked to me and have similar complaints.

Since you seem like the kind of guy who doesn’t stand for any bullshit, you’re
the guy to ask. How should I go about addressing this issue?

— Fed up with a Bitch


Dear Fed Up,

Nobody likes a bitch. How does that line go, "You can't hit
a girl, but you can slap a bitch"? Something like that. One of the reasons for
student orgs is that people get to hang out with people who are like them and
develop some interpersonal and leadership skills. You can't throw that away —
that's the most important thing here. You have to stay with what you are doing
no matter how big of a jerk your co-worker is. You will regret dropping out in
the long run.

First things first: Have you talked with your co-worker at
all? If you haven't told her that she is a bitch — although not in so many
words — you need to. If there are several people in the same boat, you should
get them to stand by you when you talk to your co-worker. At the same time,
though, you should assume your "agreeing" co-workers are completely worthless
pieces of shit and as soon as you tell off the other person, they are going to
side with that person to gain power. People suck like that — I've been there.
Expect nothing good out of any human being you ever meet.

Definitely take at least one nice, sincere attempt at
getting your co-worker to stop being a giant douche. Get someone else to do the
same. After that, you are fully permitted to use my patented No Bullshit
method. In this case, it would go a little something like this:

"Hey, Victoria, can we talk for a little bit?"

"Oh yeah, what's up, Ant?"

"I just wanted to tell you that you are a giant, giant
douche bag."

"Say what?!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Wasn't I clear on that? You suck. I hate
you. I hope you die. You make every single day of my life a living hell. Every
time I see you, I want to gouge out my eyes because it reminds me how much of a
bitch you are. You have the most annoying voice that I have ever heard, and
even more importantly, you're fat. I mean, I'm not talking like a little
overweight here, either. You are like a whale or a wildebeest or some shit like
that. I implore you from the bottom of my heart to go home tonight and
seriously consider never coming into this office again."

I would be very impressed if that bitch said a word after
hearing that. Make it flow, though. If you leave one gap for air in there, you
won't complete the destruction of her ability to respond, and you will get hit,
yelled at or worse.

Good luck! Give it to her good.


Don't forget to stir the pot,



Dear Anthony,

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I wanted to major in Spanish and
Russian and join the Peace Corps, but then I decided medical school is for me.
So, I took a bunch of science classes and kept taking tons of foreign language,
but I’m not doing very well. I’m worried I’ll flunk out of college. I’ve
dabbled in computers and economics, but I can’t seem to settle. Now I have to
register for spring classes, and I have no clue what to do. I want to do
everything and be everything! Help me figure out what I want out of life!

— Tragically Ambitious


Tragically Ambitious,

You don't deserve a "dear." I'm not even writing the "nice
sensible option" for this one. I'm just writing you the correct option, you
pile of shit.

Spanish? Russian? Medical School? Computers? Economics? You
sound like that kid from Whitewater who got like five degrees in 12 years — except
he got degrees. You know why he got degrees, TA? Because he was paying for his
own education, much like myself.

So let me guess, you're from where? New York? Daddy just
bought you a new pair of Uggs because it's cold out? He called you last month
and asked if everything was OK when you only spent four grand on his credit
card? Why don't you ask Daddy if he can buy you a work ethic? Or maybe he can
just pay off the college to write your name on a degree. Even better, why don't
you just have your friends give you the answers to the previous exams that they
have on file in the library so you can maybe pass that next exam.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I really appreciate your
assistance to the Midwestern economy and all, but seriously, this Thanksgiving,
why don't you just stay back in New York and do the rest of us a favor? No one
wants to see you and your big stupid glasses, Northface jacket and Uggs around
here except for your equally slutty roommates.

Should you make it back from Thanksgiving, put down the crossword
puzzle and pay attention in class. Then, after class is over, instead of going
and smoking a bowl and getting drunk with your girlfriends, go to the damn
library and read a book. Seriously, read a book. If you can do all that, try
skipping the pre-exam nookie from your popped-collar boyfriend and get a good
night's rest. I bet you'll be graduating in no time.

Good luck getting that work ethic for Christmas.


Take care,