Fist pump! It's official, after months of a great "Who really did her nine months ago?" drama, the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby finally has a legit daddy. And no, it's not that other Howard Stern guy.
Don't believe me? Check out the lead story on any news source, respectable or otherwise; they'll all give you the go-ahead to run out and buy a cigar for Larry Birkhead, journalist, photographer and proud, DNA-proven papa of young Dannielynn.
But honestly, people, now that we know who the daddy is, what are we going to do with all of the dead news space? How will CNN.com consume its whitespace without photo galleries and infographics detailing the exact chain of events from Feb. 8 onward?
All this time, we felt like we were getting to know the real Anna Nicole Smith, we empathized with her family, with her daughter left to grow up motherless, and, so it seemed, without ever knowing who her true father is. Now we are left to go back to caring about actual news.
Even as someone who is shamefully a slave to all things Entertainment Weekly and People Magazine, I feel my initial grief at the lack of play-by-play coverage will likely be fleeting.
But for those in need of a way to cope, here are a few suggestions to avoid going into Anna Nicole Smith withdrawal, maintain hope for the future and grudgingly keep the faith alive for her kin's ever-extending 15 minutes of fame.
No one likes a pale, depressed baby
First and foremost, launch a campaign demanding that Dannielynn see the light of day. In statements made to (valued news source) Entertainment Tonight, the child's former aunt Bonnie said no natural daylight was allowed in the house, for the shades were drawn to avoid probing paparazzi shootouts. Take the little kid outside, for the love of God. Now that she indeed has a dad, the baby millionaire's mystique is bound to wear off. Rally to let her go hang out with Suri Cruise and they can bond about being the most elusive toddlers the entertainment world has (not) seen in awhile.
All in the Family
If you haven't quite had your fill of the Anna Nicole saga just yet, why not check out some more high-quality literature courtesy of Smith aka Vicki Lynn Hogan's equally platinum half-sister Donna. Fittingly titled "Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith," the book details Smith's rags-to-controversial-riches life and her demise at the expense of the press and is likely another ploy to string one more character into this whole Anna Nicole who's who. I can almost — nope, I can — see the dollar signs in her eyes now.
Talk is Cheap and Could Get Cheaper
For those lucky enough to catch a glimpse of Anna Nicole's mother Virgie Arthur and her stunning pastel muu muus, entertain this idea for a bit. Think about it, wouldn't she be great in a TV talk show host capacity? She could be like the next Oprah, or better yet, with a name like Virgie Arthur, she would surely give sound Southern comforting advice and take over for that mustached windbag Dr. Phil.
Two Men and a Baby
Pop some popcorn and kick up your feet. Now that Birkhead is officially the dad, he's hinted at seeking full custody of Dannielynn, and Howard K. Stern is in his corner, vying against Anna's mother for rights to the millions — I mean, the baby. This has all the makings for a reality TV show to be played Monday nights on E! Just like the deceased Smith had "The Anna Nicole Smith Show," Birkhead and Stern could be the centerpieces of "Two Men and Baby," a knockoff of the '80s comedy. Stern could play the Tom Selleck character — mostly because he would have better capability of growing a fat mustache, Birkhead could be Steve Guttenberg, and together they could tackle the perils of late-night diaper duty and trade blonde bimbo girlfriends on the side. Every once in a while, Grandma Arthur could stop by to visit and brew up drama when she tried to take the baby away. Throw in a few choice confessional clips and we'd have some good (read: terrible) television.
Stop Wardrobe Malfunctions Now
It was funny when Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband and approximately two dozen others proclaimed their fatherhood, but as hard as it may be to let go, you should strongly consider retiring the "I'm Dannielynn's Daddy" you bought at Spencer Gifts. People might have believed it before, but now that the truth is out, the once great tee is a serious knock to your credibility.
Raise Your Glass and Celebrate
The baby has a daddy, people. This calls for a little celebration. Buy some quality $4 champagne, just as Anna Nicole would have wanted, and have a toast in honor of the fallen "star's" child. Cheers to Playboy, Trimspa, ridiculous weight gain and then loss thanks to Trimspa, and other fine products. Of course, remember to exercise caution — do not chase said champagne with barbiturates.
Brace Yourself for the Second Coming
… of Hilton, that is. With all the hubbub surrounding Anna Nicole's unexpected death and "baby daddy" drama, and Britney giving herself tragic haircuts, the media hasn't been giving their fair share of attention to the all-star press hog, Miss Paris Hilton. The Associated Press even admittedly attempted a full-on Hilton blackout, but nothing could stand in the way of the wild heiress. When she has to deal with the inevitable custody battle stealing even more of her limelight, there's no telling what the socialite might do. Get ready, this could get ugly.
Ashley Voss will not be naming her firstborn Dannielynn. Send any questions or comments to [email protected]
