Brother and sisters. It's amazing how they can share the same DNA and yet be so different. Some turn out pretty and popular, others turn to an introverted life of Guitar Hero and Japanese pop music (ie: the life and times of Justin M. Voss). The celebrity world is no different.
Constantly battling for attention and a way to set yourself apart can become wearing — be it a talent, a hair color or a new nose. In this column, we evaluate the perpetual struggle for affection between pop culture's noteworthy (and not-so-noteworthy) siblings. Who's smarter? Who's faster? And most importantly, who would win in a throwdown?
Let the games begin.
Maddox and Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt
Justin: When it comes to the family of Brangelina, it is obvious who runs the show: Maddox. This tiny toddler dons his signature Mohawk and has mommy Jolie and daddy Pitt wrapped around his little finger. Maddox has to be pissed that he has to share the privileges of being carried with sister Shiloh. The question remains as to how he would do the job of getting rid of this newborn nuisance. Maybe spiking her milk with some arsenic would do the trick. Yet, badasses such as Maddox would never sink to the level of taking out their own marks. Surely he would send in his Cambodian contacts to change that dirty diaper.
Ashley: Which child in the Brangelina clan is worthy of a sculpture bearing his or her likeness? Is Madame Tussaud's rushing to commemorate the image of Maddox in wax? I think not. Shiloh Nouvel Pitt has one thing on her side that Maddox is sorely lacking: the genes of not only Brad "Sexiest Man Alive 1995 AND 2000" Pitt and Angelina "pouty-lipped humanitarian" Jolie. Although she may wear diapers, don't be fooled. Shiloh is obviously something of a super baby. Her name may mean "the peaceful one," but with ass-kicking cues from her Tomb Raider Mommy and Durden Daddy, she could easily take down her older brother. Prediction: Once she's able to walk, it won't be long before the young babe is starting a "Fight Club" of her own. She and sister Zahara will gang up on their mohawked sibling, and he won't be able to say a word about it. After all, everyone knows the first rule of fight club: Don't talk about fight club.
Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
Justin: When it comes to the Sisters Simpson, not one single soul on this planet would doubt that Jessica would slaughter little sis in a Barbie doll bout. Dumping Nick has made her tough as nails. I mean, come on, at least she is not the one crying during interviews with a glass of red wine by her side. Jessica replaces a "manly cry" with fists of fury, sending a reminder as to who the prettier Simpson is. Perhaps a quick slash of the vocal cords is in order to finish the job, since Ashlee clearly doesn't need them to lip sync a performance.
Ashley: As the older, more-talented, more attractive sibling myself, I find it hard to relate to the younger, vocally inferior Simpson sister, Ashlee; however, being the mature person that I am, I can empathize with her position. In my experience, the younger sibling is more commonly the baby, the one who goes crying to mom. It could be expected that Ashlee would resort not to a battle of strength, but rather to a battle of wits, or simply knowledge in general — especially with her newly shaped nose still recovering from her alleged rhinoplasty. Although Ashlee may not have her sister's strength in the vocals department, I'm willing to bet she'd have Jessica shaking in her Daisy Dukes in a rousing game of Name the Origins of This Food Product. Buffalo wings are not actually from buffalo; Chicken of the Sea, nope, not actually chicken. Weird.
Nick and Aaron Carter
Justin: From his disgusting displays of rage and drunkenness on "House of Carters" to his incredible ability to throw down sick lyrical masterpieces, Aaron Carter is clearly the man of the Carter family. How would he go about taking down the ever-powerful Nick? For starters, he would most likely show his might by downing obscene amounts of tequila and barking like a dog. The intimidation factor is everything, of course. He would finish the brawl with a graceful acidic fountain of toxic vomit. Not even Nick's shiny BMW would save him from the awful fate, leaving Nick to sulk around the Carter house and wait for that next Backstreet reunion, when the Backstreet Boys harmonize about their midlife crises.
Ashley: Without the help of Nick Carter, Aaron would be nothing. In typical little brother form, Aaron attempts to follow in his older sibling's footsteps but doesn't quite match up. While Nick and the Backstreet Boys danced in formation and played games with the hearts of teeny-boppers worldwide, becoming the highest-selling boy band of all time, Aaron danced around the basketball court rapping and staging a victory in "That's How I Beat Shaq." From a romantic standpoint, granted Paris Hilton was not Nick's most respectable catch, but Aaron says he also went on a date with his brother's ex-flame. There's no way the little drunkard of the Carter house could intimidate his older brother; Nick would have to show him the better way to do it first.
Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez
Justin: Charlie Sheen and brother Emilio share a commonality other than blood, since each of them both stared in rather successful sporty flicks. As Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Sheen became the epitome of cool, complete with his black horn-rimmed glasses adorned with a skull. Let us not forget, Sheen is also adept at stealing cars with no more than a Butterfinger, proving he is most resourceful in a clash. This batter would be clean and simple: a 100-mph fast ball, passing through Emilio's torso before he has time to lace up his hockey skates, before finishing him off with the same BMW he drove in "The Chase," and fleeing to Mexico to escape prosecution.
Ashley: Three words for Charlie boy: quack, quack, quack. I'm not saying that my man, the independent Emiliooo — who refused to use his father's stage surname to gain notoriety — would need back-up, but on the off-chance that Mr. Estevez, the Repo Man, the incomparable Gordan Bombay fell to the ground due to some cheap shot, his fearless Mighty Ducks would come to the rescue and it would be flying V time. Do we not remember what happened to Wolf "The Dentist" Stanson when he tried to mess with Emilio and crew in D2 (the best of the Ducks trilogy, I might add) — Bombay's quick thinking led them to sweet victory over a bigger, faster Iceland team with more facial hair.
Mario and Luigi
Justin: He has defeated the likes of Bowser on numerous occasions, thwarted the dastardly deeds of Donkey Kong and still has time to enjoy a piece of cake with Princess Peach. This hero is none other than Mario, big bro of this Italian twosome, and rightfully so. Their brawl would go down much like any "Super Smash Bros." skirmish, a fireball here, and uppercut there — pretty cut and dry. However, Mario has more than a few tricks up his sleeve. After toying with his green-with-envy brother, out would come the Tanuki suit, where a flick of the tail and transformation to stone would bring about the end of Luigi. Mama mia!
Ashley: Not only is Luigi taller, thinner and better dressed (hey, it's a superficial world we live in), he is constantly coming to Mario's rescue — "Luigi's Mansion," anyone? Luigi is an all-star athlete, playing baseball, basketball, tennis, and go-karting with the best of the best. Being the catch that he is, I wouldn't be surprised if Princess Peach is sharing a dainty giggle with Luigi on the side. Luigi is a man of skill and ability, if challenged to a contest, the man would jump far above the competition and walk across water in celebration, showing higher powers are truly on his side.