Dear Clare,

Muffled by Mom

Dear Muffled,

You can get this over-doting mother off your back my breaking up with her precious little poopsie — your boyfriend. I'm not talking about a nice, mutual break-up. To really get this woman to leave you alone, you need to crush that mamma's boy's heart; cheating, lying and stealing are some suggestions, but you can choose any immoral act your imagination can generate.

You must engage in an intensely cruel act so that this woman will be sure to cut off contact for good. I know of some mothers who still contact their son's ex-girlfriends because they hold a smidgen of hope that a relationship will again develop between their darling boy and "that lovely sweet girl." Having the mother continue her badgering while you are no longer dating her son is the only situation worse than the one you are currently in. It should, therefore, be avoided AT ALL COSTS.

If you haven't thrown this paper down in disgust at the harshness of the opening paragraphs, then I would like to offer another strategy that will not shock your saintly conscience. Try to be thankful that you have this woman at your whim! Though her loyalty obviously lies with your beau, her fondness for you will keep him in line. I guarantee that she frequently reminds him of how wonderful you are and how he should be treating you well. Think of her as your own little PR rep that is constantly singing your praises into your boyfriend's ear. These continual affirmations will imbue the young lad with a sense of appreciation for you, which will mean only good things for you and your relationship.

If you still don't see the value of this meddlesome mom, try and have a little empathy. Though she is undoubtedly irritating, she is probably worried about her son, who is one of 1,000,000,000 students at a huge university that, thanks to the advertising from Playboy, is known for booze and babes (please note: that is no way an endorsement of the destructive image of the UW promulgated by the magazine. I'm not too happy that Playboy will most likely be the first word out of someone's mouth after I tell them I graduated from the UW in only a few weeks).

She is probably just worried about her son, who almost certainly never calls her or tells her what is really going on in his life. Reaching out to you is a way for her to keep tabs on him.

You're either going to have to pull it together, roll your eyes and laugh it off, or break up with this boy. If she hears from her son that you want her to back off, you will invite awkwardness and hostility into a situation that is overflowing with love and appreciation. Maybe it's not your love and appreciation, but perhaps when you're a mother, you'll understand the level of worry one has for one's own belching, beer-chugging, Beirut playing, babe-watching baby.

Hang in there, love! As long as she's nice to you, keep your mouth shut and thank your lucky stars; that stereotype of a horribly evil mother-in-law didn't come out of nowhere.

Good luck,

Clare

Dear Clare,

Dear Trying,

I am happy you are anxious to enter Dateland, which in Madison is population: 23.

I was not aware that College Library is the "best place on campus to get a date," but that doesn't mean it's not true. (I hate to shock you, dear readers, but there are actually some things that I do not know. Please don't despair — if I don't know something, I'll pretend to know it, just for your peace of mind). I have observed, however, that College Library is a place to go for "babe-watching," as gals and guys get all decked out to strut their stuff as they go back and forth and back and forth from the one end of the hall to the other on the second and third floors.

College library's inherent purpose is the main obstacle I see for you in trying to secure a date: people are supposed to be studying in it! It's hard enough to approach a lovely lady at a bar, party or other social setting where informal chatting is welcome and expected. How do you intend to disturb someone while she is studying? What could you possibly ask her that would be a legitimate reason to break the silence in the silent room?

Upon further reflection, I realize that these are the questions I am supposed to be answering because you were smart enough to seek my counsel. To answer my own questions then, you shouldn't randomly interrupt someone deep in her studies to introduce yourself. If you are both in the same class and she is reading from such material, however, you wouldn't be creepy in going up and quietly chatting with her about it. Say something about the class and then briefly introduce yourself. Don't go on chatting forever — remain a bit mysterious and leave her looking forward to seeing you the next time class meets.

I am skeptical about initiating courtship with strangers at the library because I have heard nothing but negative results from such attempts. Earlier this year, a charming girlfriend of mine told me about a handsome young man that sat next to her at a library and slipped her a note as he left the room. She was initially very excited about such courageous behavior, but was disgusted as she read the note. The not-so-suave guy had written his name and screen name down, but his screen name contained sexual innuendoes about his "character" that really freaked her out. Without realizing it, this dude basically passed a sexually explicit note to a total stranger. This, dear readers, is not a good plan and should be used as an example of what NOT to do.

Because each student often frequents the same library or study room, silent library crushes are bound to develop. You are not a sketchball for smiling and giving a slight nod if your library crush walks by. You could even try getting in a quick, "Hello," because chances are she has probably noticed you too. Even if she thinks you are a hideous monster and refers to you as "the Hunchback of Helen C.," a friendly greeting would do no harm.

While I would suggest College Library as the best place for a "study date," I would not recommend going there to find a date. I will elaborate on this point next week when I answer a lovely letter I recently received from a pain-stricken gentlemen who was inquiring about how to date girls.

Stay tuned, Trying, and I will further help improve your life.

Clare