Men, women, children of all ages. The time has come for the great action rebirth of the LAH. After a brief hiatus while Drock worked his way into the action underground of Greece, the Last Action Heroes are once more set to enlighten and entertain both action fans and non-action fans alike. Yes, you've read it first here — the Last Action Heroes have gone international.
It has come to our attention that other people think they can blatantly rip off the LAH in their own columns, passing it off as original work. The truth of the matter is that nobody can or ever will replicate the magic that is Derek, Goat and action legend Ziemer. Plagiarism in any form is never cool, but plagiarism of the LAH is unacceptable. There is simply no place for this "I can't believe it's not LAH."
That said, this week the LAH take a trip back to the '90s. Back when Pierce Brosnan wasn't yet Bond, but had a desire to prove himself in the action genre. He starred in what could possibly be two of the most intense films ever created: "Detonator" and "Detonator 2." With the promise of what should be record numbers of explosions, the LAH trudge forward, action knowledge in tow.
Goat:
I'm somewhat at a loss for words to describe just how painful "Detonator" really was to watch. Perhaps the best way to put it is that I'd rather watch every film Jim Belushi has ever made (even "K-9" … which was a blatant rip-off of Chuck Norris' "Top Dog" anyway) back-to-back than ever see "Detonator" again. It's that bad.
It seems like a good enough idea for an action film: a crafty German scientist works together with a war-mongering Russian general to create a nuclear weapon, which is then transported all over Europe on a train. It's then up to none other than Brosnan and his crack team of commandos to thwart the evil General Konstantin Benin's plans for world domination. Or something like that.
Things start out with Alex Tierney (such an amazing pun) hijacking a German train and slaughtering everyone working on it. He then begins ranting about how much he hates Russians — despite working for a Russian — and how he wants everyone to call him Elvis Presley. Malcolm Philpott, a member of UNACO (United Nations Anti-Crime Organization), calls in Brosnan to helm a group of elite soldiers tasked with stopping this train and disarming the bomb. At least it seems like a good set-up.
But if the first time viewers see Brosnan is any indication of how this film will go (and it most certainly is), things are not looking good. The film introduces Brosnan as a rebel with a strange southern accent tinged with the sounds of Britain. So I can't fault him for sounding ridiculous, but when he stops an intense motorcycle race with his friend because a cute little bunny runs in front of his bike he most certainly loses any credibility. Hell, even Fabio was able to take down a bird with his bare face, while riding a rollercoaster. If Pierce can't run over a bunny rabbit on a badass motorcycle, he's hopeless.
Fast-forward through the mind-numbing 30 minutes of set-up for this movie and it's time for Pierce, sexy co-agent Sabrina Carver, a weasely German train conductor, Patrick Stewart and a bunch of Russian mercenaries to stop this "Death Train" and stop the sinister General Benin's evil deeds — things aren't looking good for the peace-loving citizens of the world. I'll hold onto hope that "Detanator 2" was much better. Drock, give me the run-down.
Drock:
ATHENS, Greece — I have come to watch many craptacular movies in my life, but few have dipped as far as this piece of crap. From the very beginning, this movie proved to be unbearable, nauseating and downright agonizing. But that is what makes "Detonator 2" beautiful.
Most of "Detonator 2" takes place in Hong Kong with Pierce trying to track down Rembrandt's famous "Nightwatch" painting. In the midst of his journey, he discovers a devious plot by the thieves to launch a satellite into space that could not only spy on anyone anywhere, but also destroy anything with a circuit at the touch of a button. Sound like a bad plot? I thought so.
Now, this is typically where I would talk about the characters or the plot or the one-liners. This movie calls for something completely different. There was not one aspect of "Detonator 2" that was remotely pleasant to watch. This movie has the ability to maim its viewers. The rest of this column will be a run-down of why you should not watch "Detonator 2." This will be the only instance where watching "Strike Force" or "Full Clip" would be the good decision. Let's start.
"Detonator 2" is not impressive in either the kill count or the beatdown category. Overall there are 14 kills with Pierce notching a mind-blowing three. Likewise there are only 21 beatdowns with two attributed to the future James Bond. The reason I bought the "Detonator" Doublepack was because it sported as a dominant figure Brosnan's horrible moustache. What you could not see was the equally disgusting mullet. Pierce simply is not an action figure you would want to snuggle up with after he kicks your enemy's ass. He is disgusting.
Early on in the movie, Brosnan picks up a Sigourney Weaver look-a-like sidekick and she actually notches more kills (four) than the star of the film. It's also apparent that there is a fair deal of sexual tension between the two, stemming from a past relationship. Now, I'm all for a little butt action, partial nudity or even full-fledged R-rated wardrobe malfunctions, but sexual tension should never exist between the main action duos. Imagine if Mel Gibson and Danny Glover went home and had fun in the bedroom after a long day of kicking villain ass. Wouldn't that seem a little awkward?
Goat:
Yes, yes it would. Almost as awkward as the chemistry between Brosnan and his love interest in "Detonator." Apparently Pierce is a true lady-killer, because he manages to lure his co-star into his web of sexual advances that somehow top those of Charles Parsons. And he doesn't even have to talk about how many orcs his "staff" could slay.
Let me give you a brief summary of all of the action you will see in "Detonator." Of the total 38 kills, Brosnan has a measly 11. And out of the eight beatdowns (plus one emotional beatdown) Pierce nabs two. One could argue he clocked three, if you count the sandwich he beats down at the command station. But we'll chock that up to being really hungry after trying to stop the train multiple times and failing.
Food actually plays a somewhat substantial part in the film, with soft drinks possibly being the secret to Brosnan's powers. But in a relatively interesting move, "Detonator" features product placement of both Pepsi and Coca-Cola, something most films wouldn't dare think of. But this is "Detonator" and it appears they live to defy expectations: like my expectation that a film named "Detonator" would feature a ton of explosions. Sadly, it doesn't. Getting back to the soft-drink debacle, one scene actually features Sergei (the dumb Russian) being brought back from the dead when Brosnan pours a can of Coke on his face. Yes, it actually happens. No, it doesn't make any sense.
Sergei is perhaps the best part of the entire film. His thick Russian accent and humorous observational humor provide the only thing close to entertainment experienced while watching "Detonator." When he earnestly asks Brosnan what a "redneck" is, I couldn't help but laugh at how incredibly ridiculous this film is.
And maybe that's the only way to describe the movie: ridiculous. This movie pained me in a way that I thought only kicks to the genitals could manage. Apparently I was wrong. When the action "star" of the film seems more interested in racing at Daytona than kicking some Russian ass, that's when you've got a problem. I have to give "Detonator" my absolute worst rating, four Xzibits.
Drock:
ATHENS, Greece — The peak action of "Detonator 2" is Brosnan's failed attempt at getting some action from his estranged lover. After playing the most absurd game of blackjack in the history of American cinema, Brosnan walks away with $1 million and a boosted ego. Unfortunately he doesn't have the game in the bedroom to match his game at the card table. After failing to create a sexual encounter with his action cohort, he breaks the awkward attempted sex silence by dry humping the air and screaming. This is supposed to embarrass his partner and fool anyone who might have tapped their room.
After watching Brosnan in his underwear for a good five minutes, the most agonizing mid-movie lull in action history commences. For over 35 minutes, there is no action, no successful attempts at comedy and nothing to keep the audience from falling asleep or acquiring a headache. Even Richard Gere and "Strike Force" overcame their lull by encountering a cat and searching it for contraband.
Shortly after spending the night dry humping himself to sleep, Brosnan and his action cohort find themselves in a series of battles in downtown Hong Kong. His action counterpart, whose name is never revealed, finds herself biking down the street on a Huffy chasing a boat cruising down a canal. She cuts him off at a bridge, jumps onto the boat and the two duke it out. The fight ends only after he throws her off and the boat runs into another boat floating along unmanned and full of gasoline cans. To make sure that this wasn't some awkward Hollywood mistake, I did some research and purchased a copy of "Lonely Planet Hong Kong." Sure enough under the section "waterways" is the warning that one should be aware of unmanned barges of gasoline that could explode with the slightest contact.
Most action movies have a fair amount of one-liners, but this one fails in that category. "Detonator 2's" attempt at comedy was an art expert laughing to the tune of "God this is an amazing forgery — just what those Dutch craftsman are known for hahaha." Terrible. The only one-liner in the whole movie was the main villain remarking to an American CIA agent "I wanna kiss your breasts till dawn." Needless to say the only thing he would be kissing in the movie was Brosnan's fist about 20 minutes later.
The final action sequence pits Brosnan and his action counterparts rushing into a dockyard to stop the launch of the satellite. Once again they fail at making this look remotely realistic. You could dress up the cast of "The Young and the Restless" and they would look more like a fighting force than what Pierce entered into battle with.
There is more to say about this movie, but there is also a word limit and I'm afraid I don't have close to enough words to summarize how bad this movie was. This movie seriously belongs at the bottom of Najeh Davenport's ex-girlfriend's closet on that infamous night he left behind brown gold. Before I go puke, I'd like to rate this movie four Lou Diamond Phillips.
The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you!!! Do you have an idea for a film you think Derek and Ryan should look into? Did you somehow manage to watch both "Detonator" films and want to talk about the traumatic experience? Shoot Derek and Ryan an e-mail at [email protected].
