I was 11-years-old and running through a neighbor’s house when their son, the same age, came up behind me and pushed me ever so slightly. Down the stairs I tumbled, forever marring my right kneecap with a little patch of scar tissue and permanent nerve damage. I’m not sure that he knew I was standing so close to the edge or that my balance was tittering clumsily between puberty and adulthood. I never suspected 10 years later I would be standing atop a very different staircase, about to be pushed with words and angry emotions.
The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me,” is a fantasy that too many individuals buy into. Words can punch as hard as any man, boxer or scorned woman. We hold, hide and conceal the words: emotional abuse. So much that many people don’t understand that they are victims or that they themselves are the abusers.
Manipulative statements, empty promises, a need for approval and a lack of support are all clear indications that you are in a relationship hinged on abuse. But, these aren’t things that happen in your relationship. No, just other people’s messed up lives, right? More than likely you have encountered the energy draining effects that emotional abuse carries. It is often very hard to admit that you are a victim of abuse, let alone clearly see the situation you are in. It’s even harder to admit that you are the abuser. Where do we draw the line, when do we say enough is enough?
The perception that only those people that come from abusive trailer-park backgrounds lead themselves into abusive relationships is wrong and misleading. In many cases, a person with a good heart and a certain amount of naiveté can believe that their partner is going to change. They believe that if you stick with it that things will get better, he or she will “snap out of it.” All the while, the abuser is pushing the line farther and farther to the breaking point. “How badly can I knock her down, how much will she take?” I see it as a screwed up psychological experiment with self-esteem issues as fuel.
Women emotionally abuse men just the same as men abuse women. I speak here of the woman being the victim because of what seems to be disproportionate effects on women rather than men. Heartless bastards? No, but men do not seem to voice as much heartache over hurtful words than their lover’s actions.
Are you an option or a priority? This is not a decision that is made in the beginning of a relationship. Instead tender, loving moments are shared. The “honey-moon phase” of a relationship reels and hooks the pray. Only after that first bad fight never really patches up does the abuse begin. The suffocation is so slow that the prey doesn’t really understand the situation that they are in. It can be in a single moment, months or even years into the relationship when you look back and realize the extent of the emotional abuse that has occurred within the relationship. With so much time and energy devoted to the relationship, it is often that one will feel that they can change the course of the relationship by changing their partner.
Sticking with it, glorifying your partner and catering to their every need will not get a person anywhere. These generous acts will not win approval nor will they “fix” the relationship. It is heart wrenching to be neglected at the hands of someone who is supposed to be in the role of supporter and lover. But it is impossible to change a person who doesn’t think they are in the wrong and feels no responsibility for what they do.
The abuser feels he or she is in the right to blame you for their faults and indiscretions. They feel the right to keep you beneath them. Such low self-esteem has already taken its grip that they cannot image anyone caring for them. Love is just beyond reach in the mind of an abuser.
Speaking generally, men know that women value certain events, whether it is an obscure anniversary or a quiet moment of intimacy. Good, non-abusive men slip up and forget birthdays and are born without the cuddling gene. That’s ok, but when opportunity after opportunity is passed and even the very simple gestures of kindness are ignored, a person’s true inner feelings are exposed.
Matters of the heart are all too complicated. What would seem like an unthinkable situation for your head to get into somehow the heart winds up immersed in. Forget the drunken “I love you’s” and stop saying “It doesn’t take much to make me happy.” A lover should not make you feel anything. Neither happy nor sad; their purpose is to share friendships, memories and be your support. They are not in your life to fill up a “happy hole,” but rather to be apart of you both good and bad.
It cannot be said that every emotionally abusive relationship is one-sided, nor can it be said that it will inevitably turn physically abusive as well. Unfortunately abusers are not themselves stable individuals. A rude comment about your expanding waist may one day turn into “running into the doorknob.” I can contest that I never thought that a man would ever handle me roughly or “ever so slightly push me atop a fight of steps,” but it did happen. It all started with severe emotional abuse, which my own naiveté blinded me from.
For those of you who are in a relationship with any of these signs of emotional abuse, get out. You will not change your partner, but only serve as doormat. Emotional abuse lies at the feet of every person; it is only those who cannot step over it that are tripped.
Lindsey is graduating in 24 days, 5 hours, and 34 minutes. She is leaving behind a very emotionally abusive person to wallow endlessly through meaningless relationships. Lindsey can be reached at [email protected]
