An ill-cared-for Inherited Volvo across from Maria’s Philly apartment has a slapped-on bumper sticker reading, “If you aren’t angry, then you aren’t paying attention.”

“Half-empty hogwash!” Maria declared. She came up with an improved mantra: “If you aren’t exuberant all day long, then you aren’t paying attention to spring fashion.”

On this mortal coil, suffering exists. But so does the April bloom of Technicolor tulips, bright horns playing salsa and ranchero music, sweet fresh peaches, warm café-con-leche (or café-con-soymilk) on a chilly morning, goldfinches turning gold again and amazing new clothes by Missoni, Catherine Maldrino and DSquared. As Persephone returns from the Underworld, ready to summer in St. Bart’s, each of us can feel ebullient and thankful for at least one of these “cositas,” tiny, grand things.

Gato hasn’t reneged on Sexy Job advice. Ad agency honchos from DDB and DraftDirect couldn’t meet until this week. Since Gato wants to serve up Kobe beef quality job-hunting tips for aspirant advertising professionals, along with skirt-around-HR contacts, he serves spring fashion as today’s lunch special. Serve it with cocktail recipe at column’s end.

Credentials were all set for a trip to Fashion Week. However, an FBI agent and part-time music critic with an explosive hatred for smooth jazz had placed saxophonist Gato Barbiari on a no-fly list. When Gato Toninas set out to catch his flight, he was turned away at the AirTran gate.

Instead, Gato relied on reporting by Maria and his manager Magda who both attended Fashion Week with Abel and his new maybe-but-maybe-not love of his life, Bianca.

Magda ended up going home drunk with a muscular Russian mobster she met in a Sheepshead Bay bar, so she never made it to previews.

When Maria returned, thrilled by the mix of architectural necklines, Orientalizing patterns, and shimmery fabrics, she called Gato at 4:30 in the morning to report what she had seen. Fortunately, Gato was up and awake, getting ready to go to the gym and tone up for his own lumpen version of the new verb “summering” — Cape May and Wildwood on the glamorous Jersey Shore.

Maria also called to say Abel was suffering from male-body-image anxiety after sitting through runway shows. It was evident to Abel that shirts for men this season were going Miami-tight, and he had to make his stomach area look less like Pennsylvania’s rolling hills and more like flat Northern Illinois.

Based on Maria’s digital photos and other reports received from the global runway, every downtown in every city needs to pass a zoning law stating at least one condo development needs to look exactly like the Dakota building on Central Park West. This should be done to honor styles from the ’70s and early ’80s intermarrying faster in ’05 fashion than lapsed Catholics and non-practicing Presbyterians. Gato is falling for it with Pentecostal fervor — only his gospel music is John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s Double Fantasy.

Daffodils and rare orchids are a fitting allegory for the sculpted look design houses like Maldrino and Misoni bring to women’s fashion this year. Lot’s of frills and baroque gatherings define younger women’s clothes.

However, personal favorites come from famous and lesser-known designers whose lines actually move away from the ’80s-movie-with-a-snorting-cocaine-scene look. Most outstanding are Calvin Klein’s comeback from CK overexposure, slinky, sheer and simple one-pieces from Imitation of Christ — a house aspiring for broader recognition — and in the London shows, Clements Ribero’s work.

Ribero’s range of colors especially complement chicas with Godiva chocolate to créme brule skin without making bellezas seem like they draped their bodies in a television screen on the fritz.

Lillian had been new wardrobe shopping in Chicago, and reported that she wasn’t fond of what she called an emerging French royal court flair. “It brings back bad reformed-hippie memories,” she said with a shiver. Rest assured, mujeres who can’t bring themselves to buy anything contextualized by said trend, style from Spring ’05 into Spring ’06 is becoming more diversified than a high-performing mutual fund portfolio.

For students of vintage Vogue magazine, spring and fall couture finds recognizable tributes to the mod ’60s and the ’70s exploration of ’30s Hollywood style. Both of these themes begin emerging in the much Maldrino-imitated spring but become even more prescient in summer-into-fall stuff. Even Kimora Lee’s Baby Phat line takes a turn towards the cinematic as Lee admits to gathering inspiration from the internationalist ice queens in James Bond films.

Diane Von Furstenburg’s new line takes the greatest advantage of emerging art deco vocabulary and is sure to be the most imitated when ’06 on-the-rack arrives.

What’s wonderful about the current vogue for budget stylistas, is many of the season’s couture looks are easily mimicked by adding flourishes with a sewing machine, transferring patterns onto old clothes with iron-on appliqué or deliberately mixing periods on your next thrift store excursion. Styles from all geniuses mentioned herein can be used as a template and for those who sew, strikingly similar vintage Simplicity or Vogue patterns can be found on E-bay.

In the spirit of Holy Fashion Ghost revival, recycling jewelry from the drawers of your cool aunt is the thing to do this spring and summer. Gold has replaced silver and one must-have that can be found as something permanently borrowed are the gold leaf pendants hanging from a delicate 18 Karat chain.

Now, a few words on this season for machos.

Magda never had any problems objectifying the male species. “Nice cut of steak, hunky man; what’s the difference?” is her motto. Hombres, with Milan shows of Gucci, Prada and Jil Sander setting the tone, get ready to be slim or be rejected thanks to the war against obesity interacting with sexually emboldened women.

Advice towards becoming a Greek Korus is for another column. Gato will dispense one quick tip on slimming down — avoid prepackaged foods with corn syrup like calls from stalker-ish ex-lovers.

Better than April showers or May flowers, are springtime blender cocktails. To settle an argument about which part of the Golden State is better, Gato presents a drink called Northern California. To prepare, get out your blender and mix 1/2 cup white wine, 1/2 cup Midori liqueur, a dash of Contreau, 1 cup chopped honeydew melon and ice cubes; sweeten to taste with Superfine sugar. Blend on liquefy. Makes enough for four friends toasting laughter and superficial conversation.