You might be wondering how someone such as myself, with no journalistic intent, or talent, for that matter, scores a biweekly sex column in our school paper. Well, I’ll tell you how. It took weeks of interviews and months of preparation. I actually beat out twenty-some odd contenders. Just kidding, I’m too lazy for that kind of stuff. I simply got with the editor. Hey Chris, how about you call me sometime? Wow, that joke works so much better with the F-word.

Now seems an appropriate time to look at the college courtship phenomenon that is the first day of class. Did you plan your attire for the first day of class days, weeks, or even months in advance? I’ll be honest. I received an outfit as a Christmas gift and decided only a few days later that it would be a perfect first impression for any prospective love interests that might be lucky enough to share a semester with me in class. Although crazy, I know there are others like me out there that did the same thing, maybe without quite so much planning. Strangely enough, I’m fairly sure the picture attached to this column was taken on the first day of class, and I’m wearing the outfit. Black-and-white really doesn’t do it justice.

Anyway, the first day of class has passed, but we’re still in those early stages. I mean the class drop date hasn’t even passed yet. This time of year is all about checking people out and looking for that special someone among all of the new faces. Who cares about the damn syllabus? A few important aspects of checking people out depend upon when you arrive and where you seat yourself. Some people like to arrive early and find that perfect seat with a good view of the whole class. Another perk to this strategy is that you have the opportunity to see what kind of people sit by you. Maybe, if they sit next to you, they are interested. Or, maybe it’s just that all the other seats were taken. Don’t get ahead of yourself.

An early arrival isn’t always the best, however. Yes, you do have your pick of any seat in the joint, but you know it’s just your luck that right after you get comfortable, in will walk the sniffler, or the incessant cougher, or God forbid, the ‘ahem’ guy. You know that guy, the one who constantly clears his throat. It’s like, “Hock it up already.” Another downfall to an early arrival is that you’re leaving yourself open to sit by any yahoo who finds you attractive. The yahoo to whom I am referring employs a second tactic, the late arrival.

The benefit to the late arrival is that you get to be that person that sits down next to whoever you please, generally someone you find attractive and wish to come to know, biblically. I’m just kidding, but seriously, the most warranted reason for arriving late is to try to sit next to that boy or girl from last semester’s lecture on whom you had a crush. This only works with two semester courses like biology, chemistry, and the like. However, this strategy is not limited to two semester courses, or even the beginning of the semester, necessarily. Anytime you arrive early, you get a chance to scope out the hotties and attempt to make a move. Be brave. Maybe your courage will pay off in a meaningful relationship, or even in the sac.

Once you have your seat, it’s all about eye contact. Have you ever been staring at that guy you’re sweating, only to have him look back at you? This can be either awkward or exciting, depending on how you handle it.

In a split second, you have to decide to either kind of smile, look around the room casually, or pretend to wave at someone behind him. The latter could end up being the most awkward if he looks for the person at whom you were waving and finds no sign of them. I guess I don’t recommend that unless you just think it would be funny.

I personally didn’t have much luck finding love the first day, however I kind of have a female-crush on my LGBT studies T.A. She’s hilarious and cute, but I’m fairly certain she’s a lesbian. And I’m even more certain that I’m gay, so that would really never work out. But this does bring me to an important thing to check on the first day. It is good to know whether or not your T.A. is hot. The hot T.A. really motivates one to go to class. I had a discussion freshman year that I never missed thanks to that little incentive. By the way, if anyone out there has ever had sexual relations with a T.A., I’d love to hear and maybe write about it. Send submissions of this kind, or any other, to [email protected].

I realize this column has been kind of lame, I mean tame. But, things needed to be toned down this week. In case you hadn’t noticed, last week’s Herald lacked a sex column. I wrote an article on the joys of buttsex, this column’s namesake. It was left on the editing room floor, so to speak. Last semester’s article on the merits of bloody, vaginal “sex on the rag” obviously read much more tastefully than buttsex ever could.

I will try to make things more interesting next time when I discuss something that Guys love and girls deny doing. I’ll be going over the ins and outs of masturbation, covering everything from getting caught in the act to the health benefits thereof.

Visit http://home.comcast.net/~bignate208/NothingButtsex.html to read more Nothing Buttsex and please feel free to post comments, ideas and any other sort of response.