This past summer’s entertainment world was infected by a rash of family-based themes and links. Summer has always been a time for families, though, as the kids are at home freeloading off their parents, and the parents are busy finding ways around doing work. From the downright funny (“Austin Powers in Goldmember”) to the absolutely bizarre (Michael Jackson becoming a “father” again), we thought the best person to break it down would be America’s newest favorite patriarch, the Don himself, Tony Soprano. ArtsEtc. recently had a sit down with the man they call “T,” and he enlightened us with his vast expertise on family matters.
“Road to Perdition”
It is the dream of many American icons, like Michael Jordan and Hulk Hogan, that their sons follow the career paths they chose as young men. Then there are men, like Ron Jeremy and Carson Daly, who would probably rather keep their careers classified information from their prospective progeny. Such was the fate of contract-killer Michael Sullivan in “Road to Perdition.” Tom Hanks ably buried years of good-guy mannerisms beneath a pencil-thin mustache for the role of Sullivan, but was his performance enough to elevate the film into the pantheon of mob classics?
Tony says: Mob classic? This thing?s directed by a limey, and I ain?t met no one from the boot with a last name like Rooney or Sullivan. Tom Hanks is great, but I liked him better when he was on his shrimp boat with Lt. Dan. Now, if this guy Sullivan needs to let his kid in on this thing of ours, he should just tell him the truth ? that he?s the manager of a profitable waste-management business.
“Austin Powers in Goldmember”
The latest entry in the Mike Myers’ line of spy-spoofs finds the shagadelic one reluctantly teaming up with his father in order to defeat a flaky-skinned Dutchman. A swinger in every sense, Austin’s father Nigel (Michael Caine) attempts to make amends for missing the shining moments in his son’s childhood and, in the process, unearths the origin of the conflict between Austin and Dr. “Dougie” Evil. Meanwhile, Scott Evil strives for his father’s affection as well, finally giving the good doctor his sharks with frickin’ laser beams. But is it enough to garner him the love Dr. Evil lavishes upon Mini-me?
Tony says: I love that freakin? midget!
Eminem, The Eminem Show
The third effort from hip-hop?s most self-absorbed and self-critical emcee probes deep into his wounded subconscious and brings out more of his oft-trite takes on pop culture and the perils of masochistic maternalism. Em lays a verbal beating on moms with the scathing ?Cleanin? Out My Closet,? and ?White America? has him toying with the role of surrogate patriarch to the thousands of disillusioned suburbanites that constitute his fan-base. He even goes Hallmark on ?Hailie?s Song,? in which Eminem croons about his relationship with his young daughter.
Tony says: You think you had a rough childhood because of what, your mother made you think you had diseases you didn?t have? Cry me a freakin? river, Mars bar. My mother and uncle sent two goombahs in a Lincoln to have me clipped, but you don?t see me badmouthing her to everyone with $13.99 in his pocket. I just hope that daughter of yours doesn?t hear any of your music.
Korn, Untouchables
From the moment Korn hit the mainstream in 1994, it was incredibly evident Ward and June Cleaver had not brought up the guys in the band. Jonathon Davis? vocals were raw, unrefined and full of frustration. Album closer ?Daddy? was all the proof the music world needed that this guy wasn?t cool with his pops. Although Davis has never really addressed the meaning behind the ?deeply personal? song, its disturbing content has been enough to make some people sick to their stomachs. Physical, mental and sexual abuse are constant themes in the Korn catalogue and evidence of Davis? struggles. To say the least, no one ascends to a position like Davis and the rest of Korn without having had a rough time growing up. Their music is a reaction to their circumstances, a bitter retort to what has been a challenging life.
Tony says: This pale, bloated freak is like the Don of Korn. He?s pretty all sick in the head, you know? I?d like to drop a G for this guy to see Dr. Melfi just so he can stop whining about his pops. My father, Anthony Sr., wouldn?t tolerate me making crap music like that. He?d take off his handmade Italian leather belt and knock the gabagool outta me. I tell you this, if Anthony Jr. grows up to be an idiot like these bums, then he better go on the lam from me.
Michael Jackson
You know you?ve got a problem when you find a way to offend Al Sharpton. That?s what happened at a recent press conference this summer when Jacko launched a tirade against Sony Music chairman Tommy Mattolla. The freakish one labeled the music exec ?the devil? and ?a racist.? To make matters even worse, Jackson recently showed up at a Siegfried and Roy performance in Las Vegas with an infant he called ?his? child. Although the world hopes this was a joke, no information has been released to support that notion. Many have speculated Jackson is getting so strange because he?s flat broke and trying to whip up some publicity to bring in some cash. Jacko owes just about everyone in the business a chunk of cash, and if you check things out, he may actually owe you a few dollars as well.
Tony says: They give this freak a kid? You gotta be outta your freakin? mind! This guy is un?insalata di frutta with a pasted-on nose. I hear he owes just about every shylock in town a few mil or something like that. This thing of ours, we take it very seriously, and if Jacko don?t pay up, then he?s gonna find himself getting whacko?d at the hands of Mr. Moltisanti.
?Meet My Folks?
NBC rode the wake of the hit Ben Stiller film ?Meet The Parents? and put together a show that made effective use of the film-version?s more entertaining points. On ?Meet My Folks,? three eligible bachelors spend a weekend with a young vixen and her parents. Through the use of a lie detector test, a barrage of embarrassing revelations and a general sense of discomfort between all parties involved, the field is whittled from three to one. Ultimately, the parents have the final say, and the young gent who beats out the competition gets to spend a week in Hawaii with their daughter.
Tony says: ?Meet My Folks,? eh? Let me tell you something, if Meadow brought home some of the crank addicts I?ve seen on this show, then I?d have to fulfill my role as the owner of a waste-management business and throw these bums out to the curb. I don?t mean to eat alone, but what I say goes in this family. I work my ass off so Carmela, Anthony Jr. and Meadow can live in this 5,500-square-foot palace I call home, and if I don?t want her dating someone, then she ain?t dating someone, kapish?