Attention Hollywood executives: The frat-boy-keg-party-pretty-girl-college comedy is getting old. There’s a reason films like “Van Wilder,” “PCU,” and “Dead Man on Campus” don’t win at the box office. But you’re on the right track. There’s film gold in the college-campus setting, you just need to know where to look and how to get it.
In an effort to improve the movie world, I have used my investigative-reporting skills to tap into the mind of an astute film genius as well as a person with her finger on the pulse of today’s college students — me. Here now are a few suggestions on the right mix of genre, target audience, director and cast. Just add studio backing, a few billion dollars and stir. I also expect an executive-producer credit.
Marching Band of Brothers
Genre: Romantic-war-epic
Focus: UW Band.
The Pitch: Their love for music knows no bounds. Armed only with their instruments and their courage to dream of a career that pays to play, the UW Band members storm the battle — er, football field — to fight off disappointment and renew the spirits of the rain-soaked fans. Their talent is matched by their sheer dedication to music and to each other. Their reward is not measured in academic credit value, but by the value of their heart.
Directed by and starring war-movie-horse Mel Gibson. Also starring Harry Connick Jr., Barry Pepper on trombone, Colin Farrell and Joseph Fiennes as dueling trumpeters.
The Sixth Major
Genre: Mystic drama /suspense
Focus: Students double majoring in a combination of the following: Com Arts, History, English, Philosophy, Sociology, and Women’s Studies.
The Pitch: As a group of kind, well-meaning students near the end of their college careers, the stress of working hard under the constraints of tuition hikes and a general lack of life direction doesn’t disappear as expected. Instead, a tangible yet invisible force resembling the threat of unemployment is in the air. The surprise twist? The actual job they end up with. Will they find one by June? By September? Ever? Will it have anything to do with their fields of study? Oh, the suspense.
Written and directed by master of the narrative twist M. Night Shyamalan, “The Sixth Major” stars Toby Maguire, Selma Blair, Elijah Wood and Christina Ricci.
Pro-test of Love
Genre: The politically-charged moral drama
Starring: Students majoring in poli-sci, one of several languages and maybe botany, and students also involved in one or more activist groups or ASM.
The Pitch: Pair of star-crossed lovers find themselves on opposite sides of the picket line. Their love is stretched to the limits on a liberal campus where the actual issues are lost in the wake of the passion for protest. Can their love survive as the film raises the questions — Who will win? Who will live? Who will shower first?
Tim Robbins directs himself as the kind yet determined group advisor to Adrien Brody, Natalie Portman, and the triumphant return of Mayim “Blossom” Bailik.
The newly human-formed Mr. Burns plays the evil administrator. (Note: If the Mr. Burns thing proves impossible, Jonathan Pryce or Christopher Walken will step in.)
Slightly-Hazardous Minds
Genre: Feel-good, warm-hearted family drama
Starring: Education majors
The Pitch: America’s youth is in trouble. Probably more in the inner city, but the suburban kids are too damn cute to ignore. A fresh-outta college, fresh-in-love twosome begin their teaching career at an upper-class public school in the Chicago suburbs. But mo’ money brings mo’ problems.
The young, handsome David Creighton (who insists his “kids” call him “Mr. C”) teaches the wonders of chemistry and the dangers of driving a new Jetta with the CD stereo too loud. Cute and bubbly, Mrs. C explores Shakespeare and dodges impending crushes. As a Disney film, handguns, sex and low-self esteem are ignored in favor of bright, colorful montages set to the music of Smash Mouth.
Ron Howard or Chris Columbus direct Greg Kinnear and Ashley Judd, with a handful of “Boston Public” students making their film debut alongside the Olsen Twins.
Observatory Drive
Type: Mysterious, slightly avant guard/absurdist drama
Starring: A mixed bag
The Pitch: A young film columnist finds herself living a life just beyond the bounds of coherent explanation. She must perform ridiculous tasks such as filling out tiny circles with a number two pencil as a measure of intelligence. Then there’s the nightlife. The cast of characters she meets on this journey is just as curious. Is it real? Is it a dream? Is it a nightmare? Only with the help of several strange objects, like a piece of paper given to her only in the month of May will allow her to escape.
David Lynch directs this mind-bending, often frustrating, yet never boring film-going experience. Julia Roberts stars with Gideon Yago, Jeremy Piven, Juila Louis-Dreyfus, Val Kilmer, Julianne Moore and James Caan as support.