Birds are chirping obnoxiously and there’s already some weirdo standing in line for the next “Star Wars” episode — which means spring is in the air. Maybe a better sign is the absurd amount of time spent hyping up movies via trailers in theaters right now. Whereas the winter offered only the infrequent crappy spring movie preview (“John Q,” “The Time Machine”), now we have more trailers than theaters.
Case in point: Last week, I casually decided to catch a 3:00 showing of “Panic Room” on a Sunday afternoon. Rushing to the theater, I stopped myself. With so many previews and the ubiquitous Fandango ad, I figured I had plenty of time to spare.
Sure enough, I strolled in at 3:20 in the midst of a crappy “Scooby-Doo” trailer with plenty of time to catch “Panic Room’s” eye-grabbing opening credit text (you’ll understand when you see it). So, I figure now’s as good a time as any to throw out some early summer buzz on the infinite amount of trailers out there right now.
Goodness gracious: “Spider-Man” has just the right feel for its comic translation — bright and colorful. Whereas Batman was best done in Burton’s dreary Gotham, Spidey’s world is best fit for the flashy Time Square the trailer highlights. Even the cackling Green Goblin seems just campy enough to work.
“Star Wars: Episode II” looks like everything I hoped it would be and I fully expect “Phantom Menace” bashers will be kissing my ass in apology when “Attack of the Clones” proves how necessary the first prequel was.
“Signs” looks slightly more than interesting, but gets points for demonstrating how trailers should be done — with secrecy and a bit of ambiguity. I have little more than an idea what it’s about, but can’t wait to see it — mostly because the trailer doesn’t tell me how it ends.
It’s a little bit fuzzy: “Minority Report” has a very un-Spielberg feel to it, and I’m curious where this movie’s trying to fit in. Amongst the “Total Recalls” and “Running Mans” of action sci-fi? That seems pretty unambitious for Spielberg. Maybe in the video game translation genre, what with the very “Elevator Action”-like sequence of the trailer.
Another directorial giant, Martin Scorsese, has me baffled with “Gangs of New York.” With a gigantically impressive cast, I’ve been drooling over this for years now, but its lateness suggests that it may be as bad as the preview. There’s a very “Les Miserables” or “West Side Story” feel to the trailer, but a fatty Leo DiCaprio making out with Cameron Diaz may have ruined it for me.
Recycling bin: “Bourne Identity” suffers from an inability to present a single scene that we haven’t seen before. “The government’s top agent?is about to become their number one target.” Oh geeze. I swear the trailer footage is compiled from similar movies with Matt Damon’s head pasted over the likes of Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford.
“XXX” speaks for itself. I don’t recall any dialogue in the trailer, just stuff blowing up — or maybe I was just distracted by Vin Diesel’s glowing machismo.
“Murder By Numbers” does us the favor of begging the cliché comparison with its title, and “Windtalkers” (which has been on the shelf since, like, 1978) looks like “Saving Private Ryan” with an insignificant plot change, plus John Woo — though maybe that’s enough. As for “About a Boy,” why not just cut together a reel of sappy Hugh Grant romance highlights. That way, we wouldn’t feel as cheated when we knew the outcome.
Sequels: “Men In Black 2,” “Austin Powers 3,” “Spy Kids 2” and “The Scorpion King” don’t appear to offer anything new, but can’t be any worse than their predecessors. “The Sum of All Fears” looks infinitely worse than Harrison Ford or even Alec Baldwin’s Jack Ryan movies, and “Jason X” is just laugh-out-loud hilarious.
Kid movies gone bad: “Lilo and Stitch,” “Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron” and the long-teased “Scooby-Doo” make up the crop of crappy-looking summer family movies — probably the worst batch in years. “Stitch” gets credit for its amusing riff-on-Disney teasers, but then again, this looks unlike any Disney pic I’ve ever seen. “Spirit” has to be the most agonizing trailer of the season, and I’m not quite sure whom it’s trying to appeal to. Curmudgeonly old geezers who long for a high-spirited western cartoon? “Scooby-Doo” just looks awful. The preview ranks it right up there with TV remakes like “McHale’s Navy.”
And these guys got their own movie?why?: I can see “Master of Disguise” getting greenlit maybe 10 years ago. But now? For a second, I thought maybe “SNL: The Best of Dana Carvey” was being released in theaters — not a bad idea in itself. Also filed under “What the hell?” — “Road Trip’s” unspectacular DJ Qualls in “The New Guy,” Steve Irwin’s “The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course” and Lil’ Bow Wow’s “Like Mike.” Crikey.
