My fantasy date? Well, that would definitely involve lots of whipped cream, a tray of ice cubes, a blindfold, maybe handcuffs, a nine-iron, and probably Jell-O. Then I would call the girl I was taking out to see what she wanted to bring. We would eat dinner somewhere nice. Being a gentleman, I would order her meal for her, and being a 21st-century feminist, she would get really mad and pour her water in my lap. Ah, water. What she doesn’t know is that it would only cool the fire in my loins for a brief moment. After dinner, I would drive her home and pull the “stop short,” thus getting a cheap feel. After being slapped for my disgusting behavior, I would engage in verbal gymnastics to escape her wrath and possible criminal action. She would be so dazzled by my language skills that she would fall in love with me, and we’d end up getting married and having five kids. Then, after she ballooned to over 200 pounds, I would find a younger, skinnier woman and leave. Wait, you did say fantasy weekend, right?

–JPK

The Valentine?s dream date to-do list:

1. Monday morning: Order dozen red roses to be delivered Thursday. Write anonymous love note to cute guy in history class.

2. Monday evening: Make reservations at best restaurant in town. Buy theater tickets for Broadway musical playing Thursday evening. Call up cute guy in history class, but hang up when he answers.

3. Tuesday: Go shopping and buy little black dress. Stare at cute guy in history class all period.

4. Wednesday: Clean up apartment for when he comes in for after-dinner drink. Buy best champagne money can buy. Send cute guy in history class flowers — anonymously.

5. Wednesday night: Call and reserve limo for next night. Arrange for fireworks around 11 p.m.

6. Valentine?s Day: Go to hairdresser’s, put on makeup, dress and go to restaurant the cute guy in history class is taking his girlfriend to in hopes he?ll notice you.

–KH

My dream date shows up at least an hour late, visibly intoxicated. He surely fails to notice the hours of preparation that have gone into my appearance. I present him with a handmade card and a mix tape of songs that remind me of him. He laughs at me and calls me stupid. We board the city bus, and I sit alone because he is hitting on a group of high-school girls returning from the mall. I stare at my tearstained reflection in the window and question my will to live. As we are walking into Hooters, he tells me not to stand next to him, but I feel much better when he gives me a dollar for the jukebox. After several pitchers of beer, my dream date boosts my self-confidence drastically when he calls me a “hottie” while vomiting in my purse. Finally, we return to my apartment. He stares longingly into my eyes and then asks me to leave because he’s having someone over. I spend the night on a park bench dreaming of a life less reminiscent of hell.

–KM

My dream date won’t care that I’m running a little late, or that I had a few beers beforehand. To save gas money, we’ll take the bus to my favorite restaurant. On the bus, due to my natural charm, I’ll meet to a group of high-school coeds who insist on meeting up with me later. For dinner we go to Hooters, where I figure she’ll be flattered when she sees all the women I could be with — I think it is a nice gesture on my part. As a down payment for later that evening, I give her a buck for the jukebox.

Over dinner, I celebrate the occasion too much — fortunately, my date gives me a bag. Post-Hooters, she offers me her pad to rendezvous with the coeds I met on the bus. Of course, I insist she stay and make some new friends, but she doesn’t want to intrude.

I wake up the next morning, glad to have met what’s-her-name.

–AC