While aimlessly perusing the Internet yesterday in an attempt to avoid my homework, I stumbled upon a seemingly innocuous diversion. I found astronet.com offering me my free horoscope.
I clicked on Pisces and read, “Write your crush a long love letter, and you will feel a huge weight fall from you. It’s taken you a long, long time to acknowledge how you feel. Today you will be thrilled to discover the feelings are indeed reciprocated.” What?
I hope that I’m not the only person who thinks that the ramifications of this are a little scary. Astronet’s astrologer, Kelli Fox, is advising the entire population of people born in March to confide their desires to their unrequited loves. Furthermore, she’s saying point blank that every Pisces will find their affection returned.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the U.S. population stands at about 286,482, 924 people. Divide that by 12 possible signs, and you’ve got around 23,873,577 Pisces taking a bold chance and writing love letters to their beloved crushes.
Meanwhile, I would like to remind all the fishies out there that the word “crush” is defined in Webster’s as “to press, grind, or pound into small particles or into powder.” We use this term to describe our crushes because that is how it feels when they don’t like us back.
Just out of curiosity, I checked some of the other horoscopes. When I clicked on Aquarius, I found this little nugget of dodgy astrological advice: “Don’t be disturbed by a random peculiarity that crosses your path in the form of a stranger. As unsettling as this new relationship may appear at first, it is highly likely that they will become an exciting distraction.” Yes, Aquarians, ignore your silly instincts of disturbed and unsettled. Jump headfirst into a relationship with that creepy weirdo you just met! You know the one.
Despite the seeming absurdity of these broad claims, horoscopes are a distinct part of our modern culture. You can find astrology in the media almost anywhere you look. Even the most respectable of publications carry readings. The Washington Post offers this shocking insight to Virgos today: “Long-distance communication tells you of what is going on in a faraway place.” Amazing.
In 1988, there was a mild scandal in the White House when it was revealed that President Ronald Reagan took political advice from his wife’s astrologer, Jean Dixon. But astrology is something that humans have been practicing for thousands of years. In 1853, archeologists unearthed piles of cuneiform tablets. Written somewhere around 1600 B.C., one of the tablets contained a set of astronomical tables with prophecies attached. This is one of the earliest known horoscopes. It says, “Sacrifice a goat to your crush; you will be pleased to find that he will take you on as one of his wives.”
It is interesting that an ancient pagan practice still has a strong presence in our cultural existence. There are believers and skeptics aplenty, but the practice isn’t going anywhere.
Yet the claims of astrologers are being called into question. Late last week, the Florida Attorney General’s Office issued a subpoena to popular tarot card television psychic Miss Cleo. The Florida court is demanding Miss Cleo prove she is indeed a Jamaican shaman, as she claims to be. If she cannot, then she may be charged with fraud.
The pagan practice of astrology has been a source of great controversy throughout its thousands of years in existence. Yet it still permeates nearly every form of popular entertainment. I’ll leave you to ponder that, as I have to go compose an eloquent profession of adoration for my secret crush.
