For those of you who have become accustomed to reading Adam Parks' column in this space as an integral part of your Friday routine, apologies for the curve ball. But Mr. Parks will be back next week.

And that is probably a good thing, because I am not now — nor I have ever been — a sports editor. Or a writer (except for women's tennis). Or, for that matter, much of a loyal fan. In fact, I haven't been to a Badger game since my freshman year and, to be honest, that experience ended with the majority of my section encouraging stadium security to euthanize me like a farm animal.

That said, I do have an extremely comfortable couch in my apartment. I'm a helluva chef. I have a very strong affinity for red wine. And I believe that fine cigars should be smoked frequently while watching sports. So, with ideal snacks, cocktails and stogies, I have spent no small modicum of time watching college football on television this year. In fact, I took in nearly a dozen games over Thanksgiving break alone.

Missing Mr. Parks yet?

Yeah, I thought so.

But, with all of this in mind, I shall now launch into a tirade of sorts on those various topics I believe to be of supreme import within the world of college football these days.

First, the BCS. If Notre Dame is not given an at-large bid on Sunday, it will be an affront to the very democratic and capitalist roots this nation holds so dearly. The people want to see the Fighting Irish in a major bowl game and Rudy's old team is going to garner better ratings than seemingly any other school.

So, assuming the stars and stripes are still flying, let's just say that Notre Dame is going bowling in the BCS. (Besides, they beat USC — no matter what lies the official score may tell — and you gotta figure that any squad capable of beating that punk Reggie Bush deserves a BCS bid. I mean, does anyone actually want this "young man" to win the Heisman? Personally, I prefer to group him in a broader historical context — alongside other great USC running backs like that guy who played for the Bills, did some car commercials and then … well, umm, you know.)

And now we are left contemplating the fates of Oregon and The Ohio State University. Now don't get me wrong, I hate OSU like all other decent Big Ten students, but what self-respecting American wants to spend three hours after New Year's Day watching a group of hacks with green helmets and webbed feet get slaughtered on a football field? I mean, the BCS really should consider legalizing …

Note from the editor in chief: This portion of the article has been removed out of respect for members of various campus, local and national organizations, including, but not limited to, PETA, The Sierra Club, the Green Party, the United States Senate and fans of the Mickey Mouse Club.)

So, yeah, it's the Buckeyes or we all get Scrooged.

On that note, most loyal fans of the sport will get the Charles Dickens treatment regardless of the Ducks' fate this holiday season. Maybe No. 1 will play No. 2 in the Rose Bowl, or maybe the Buffaloes or Bruins will throw the customary twist into the BCS. But regardless of how things shake out, the continued lack of a playoff system will make the "national champion" about as legitimately selected as the winner of a Chicago election.

Yeah, we need a playoff. Just like Division II and Division III. And the NFL. And the MLB. And NCAA basketball. And the World Series of Poker, for that matter. I mean, if it is good enough for Johnny Chan, it is good enough for Pete Carroll.

Why would a playoff be beneficial? Because all of you who were so darn sure that I was wrong when I made those comments about the Oregon Ducks would finally have definitive proof of your own innate idiocy when they choke to an already-overrated LSU squad in the first round. And, oh yeah, we'd have an undisputed national champion.

Speaking of which, isn't it about time someone makes a movie out of the Colorado football team's …

Note from the editor in chief: The final three paragraphs of this column have been censored out of respect to the people of Boulder, Pete Coors, the Budweiser Clydesdales, the cast of "Necessary Roughness," place kickers everywhere and, well, the public at large.

Don't worry, Mr. Parks will be back next week.

Mac VerStandig ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in rhetoric and doublespeak.