2009 was a fun year. Miley Cyrus was still Hannah Montana. LOLZ. Autotune became cool. Thanks, T-Pain. And the Daily Cardinal Dirty Birds beat the Badger Herald Gentle Clowns. Wait, what?
David After Dentist summarized it best that year. “Is this real life?” Yes, it actually happened. Somehow, the Dirty Birds escaped from their university-sponsored birdcage and beat the (still drunk) Gentle Clowns in organized sport. Thinking back now, 2009 was actually pretty weird.
But that was so long ago. Sam Dekker was just learning the effects of puberty.
Thankfully, those Gentle Clowns have restored the order, winning three-consecutive fall matchups, successfully drunken steering their tandem bikes to Vilas Park every single time. But seriously, it’s getting a little old. The Clowns haven’t had much competition since flip phones were cool. The only answer might be getting more drunk, if that’s even possible.
As a precaution, the University of Wisconsin School of Nursing has agreed to let the teams borrow defibrillators if the competing newspapers agree to share some of their liquor, saying, “Teamwork makes the dream work.”
Early plans to make the game more interesting call for the Clowns to swap out their keg of beer with a keg of Gordon’s Vodka, based on speculation that a complete blackout of the entire staff might actually give the Dirty Birds a fighting chance.
Then again, we’re talking about the Dirty Birds, as inept on the playing field as they are in the newsroom. The less-than-sober rivalry has lost its competitive draw for many Gentle Clowns.
“It’s sort of like our second Mifflin, where we just meet in a park and get shit-faced,” Katherine Krueger, editor-in-chief and noted vodka-Red Bull aficionado, said. “There just happens to be a football game going on that we always win.”
It’s looking like the trend won’t change much in 2013, although the Gentle Clowns might face a stiffer test than past October cakewalks.
With the projected forecast calling for temperatures in the 40s, winds in could-make-Bielema-fall-over territory and the possibility of sleet, the lauded Gentle Clowns’ passing attack might have some difficulty, placing the pressure squarely on the Minnesotan shoulders of self-proclaimed “quarterback” Caroline Sage.
Fresh from a vegan-spiced pretzel binge, Sage voiced concerns that star receiver and Harry Potter wannabe Lee Gordon is too quick, both on the field and in the lady game, to handle any of her passes (and/or pass-bys).
“I gotchu sista-sleeze,” Managing Editor, right tackle and NFL draft prospect Katie Caron reassured Sage, preferring to speak in her native, defunct language. “Me n’ my bad bitchezzz Tara “Guadalahara” Golshan and Jennay From the Block Small gon’ pluck dem hairzz off those Derty Berdz and feed dem to mah CATZZ and Kirkby.”
“Well, you’re damn right,” former-Gentle-Clown-turned-head-coach-because-he-has-no-other-job-prospects Ryan Rainey exclaimed, smirking in Tammy Baldwin rhetoric. “I won’t stand for a Gentle Clowns loss. At least not while I’m delaying my entrance into the job force.”
As per usual, some Gentle Clown newbie will take things too seriously — like tying their shoes or staying reasonably sober — and they’ll be urged to take a step (or four) back.
That will probably be Erik Sateren, an expert defensive lineman imported from some country, although no one really knows which. Sateren will be unrelentingly annoying, so much so that Rainey will allow him to play, if just to annoy the Dirty Bird quarterback with nonstop awkward sexual advances. But that’s all estimation.
“That’s just my style man, up front and comin’ atcha,” Sateren said, raising his arms with an eerie smile, citing this aggressiveness as the reason for being kicked out of four consecutive snuggle sessions at Madison’s Snuggle House. “They might stop me at the Snuggle House, but there’s no way they can handle me on the gridiron.”
And Sateren will be unleashed from the get-go, as Krueger will undoubtedly win the beer chugging “coin-flip,” utilizing her self-manicured esophagus — now twice the size of most other humans’ esophagi.
Her incredible guzzling abilities destroyed Dirty Bird Editor-in-Chief Abby Becker in the pre-softball chugging competition last spring. The embarrassment forced Becker into silence anywhere outside of Vilas Hall, where her fellow Dirty Birds’ continue efforts to produce their anomalous “daily,” “independent” “newspaper.”
“I thought she was cool, like everything was fine. You know, a real time Cardinalista,” journalism professor James Baughman said as tobacco smoke streamed from his mouth and danced away with a sweeping gesture. “But all she does is stare at me and utter infant sounds. Even my cats do more than that. I think something’s wrong with her.”
In an attempt to keep up with the Gentle Clowns, a certain Dirty Bird editor and photographer have spent weeks conditioning for Saturday’s gridiron clash, swapping saliva every Sunday on the corner of Broom and West Johnson around 1:03 p.m., in case you’re interested in amateur soft pornography.
That might actually present more of a two-sided battle than the football game set for Saturday at 1 p.m. If the Gentle Clowns can subside the lengthy injury report — Nick Daniels (stuck in tree, stalking red-haired Dirty Bird crush), Charlie Godfrey (chilly weather freezes already extremely chill bro), Cammy Albert (.29 BAC) and Andy Fate (too pretty for football, even flag football) — things will absolutely remain the same, just like every other year since 2009.
Dammit, I miss Hannah Montana.