After destroying future Daily Cardinal Editor-in-Chief Abby Becker in a Keystone Light chug-off, incoming Badger Herald EIC Katherine Krueger set a bold standard for her team.
“I challenge you to be as lazy as you can today, because it doesn’t take much to beat a paper of such low quality! Besides, we’re really just here to drink,” Krueger roared to her adoring minions.
The Herald took that advice to heart Saturday afternoon at a soggy but surprisingly stable Vilas Park, taking the perception of laziness to a new level while drinking a keg at a speed previously thought impossible by top German scientists and Langdon Street fraternities.
“Ziz iz sewwww much fun guys,” Herald lush Will “Landfill” Haynes said while dancing on top of a picnic table. “Oh mai gawd.”
Following Krueger’s commands, journeyman pitcher and Herald Sports Editor Nick Korger pulled his baggy shorts up as high as he could to resemble a man-diaper while the Herald outfield proceeded to pick dandelions to their hearts’ content – much like they did in their youth soccer leagues when they were pre-pubescent middle schoolers.
With Korger pitching softballs left-armed and between his legs and throwing meatballs more appetizing than a never-ending pasta plate at Olive Garden, the Cardinal seemed startled at the relative ease with which the Gentle Clowns had taken the game.
“They honestly didn’t seem to care,” Cardinal Sports Editor Vince Huth said. “It was incredible. In fact, one of their staff members actually fell asleep at shortstop and didn’t wake up until the end of the game.”
Blowing raspberries like a five-year-old when offered a bite of eggplant, star player Sean “Diva” Zak rocketed the ball into a crowd of children playing on an adjacent playground 500 feet away in his first at-bat. Zak didn’t even bother to run the bases, arguing with home plate umpire and local good guy Ald. Scott Resnick, District 8, that he shouldn’t have waste his time.
“It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that I don’t care,” Zak said while rounding the second at the speed of a sloth in Antarctica. “This is the stupidest thing since UW dieticians told Bret Bielema to not eat an entire Baskin Robbins for dessert.”
Things didn’t get any better when Herald Copy Chief Kelsey Sorenson decided to stop her own teammate from catching a routine fly ball to extend a big Dirty Bird inning. Seeing Korger striding for a pop-up that was between the catcher and the pitcher’s mound, Sorenson decided to cut out her comrade’s legs to “make it more challenging for him.”
The collision was the only time a lethargic and apathetic Clowns’ dugout reacted with anything other than a request for a top-off from their keg of Keystone Light.
“Ha, that was funny, dude,” Andy “Cool Guy” Fate said, looking down his shades. “Looks like some heated competition out there.”
The Clowns continued to get creative throughout the game in both the field and the batters box. In her only at-bat of the game, Sigrid “Riceroni” Hubertz decided to actually face the catcher while batting, hoping to hit the ball in her backswing. Rounding out some of the more memorable moments offensively was Herald Editor-in-Chief Ryan “Durkin” Rainey attempting to use his bat like a cue stick, Kelsey “Da Business” Fenton skipping her at-bat and charging the mound and Angus “Lumberjack” McNair attempting to throw a squirrel at the Dirty Birds’ first baseman.
“It was pretty incredible that this was even considered an athletic event,” Herald center fielder and avid Selena Gomez fan Spencer Smith said. “After we crushed those Birds in the football game this fall, I think we forgot they existed.”
The Clowns packed up any effort or interest they had left in the game when two dogs – yes, TWO dogs – showed up off the field, begging to be loved and adored.
“Whatever, I got a toaster at a garage sale,” Herald superfan Nolan Brash said while biking away from the diamond.
Win or lose, whatever, the all-star Herald team were the undisputed champions for the day in the only two contests that mattered: shamelessly drinking the Dirty Birds under the table and being the best (and only) campus publication that students pick up for reasons other than lining their hamster cages.