Chances are, if you have an account on Twitter, you are now following @BeingBielema, the satirical account of what life must be like for the new head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. With the recent coach’s departure from Madison, the account has gained more 1,000 new followers in the last 48 hours and is gradually gaining steam in the SEC. We caught up with the man, the myth and the legend for a little Q&A.
Badger Herald: You were raised on a hog farm in Prophetsville, Ill. Did that make the job at Arkansas a natural choice, because you’ve had so much experience with pigs?
Being Bielema: I must admit that did play into my decision. I grew up on a pig farm & my new team has a pig for a mascot. Seemed like some serious mojo going on there. That type of karmic activity is hard to deny. Now I just need to figure out what a razor back is.
BH: Have you ever encountered legal issues between UW Athletics for the use of this account?
BB: Nope! I think satire is legal.
BH: What do you look forward to doing once you move to campus?
BB: Cashing that first check & heading back to AQ Chicken for some more chicken fried steak. Oh, and meeting the team, that’ll be a great honor for them, I’m sure.
BH: How hard of a decision was this to make?
BB: Pretty hard. Madtown is a magical place full of high alcohol content beer, sausages & smoking hot babes. In the end, I couldn’t turn down Arkansas though, the school is just too prestigious. It is considered to be the Harvard of NW Arkansas.
BH: Favorite memory of Madison?
BB: Easiest question ever – every damn day! Seriously, I’m the inverse of that guy from Office Space. Every day you saw me in Madison was better than the last. So every time you saw me, it was best day of my life.
BH: What coach do you look forward the most to facing in the SEC?
BB: Probably Lester Piles (actually Les Miles, I made a joke there). He’s the worst game day coach I’ve ever seen. Plus the asshole eats grass? What the hell is up with that? I eat poon. I’m a real tactician (on the field and in the bed) & will dissect his game. It’s gonna be a blast. If I’m being honest, I wish that Joker guy was still in the league. Coolest name I’ve ever heard. Maybe I can offer him a job as party coordinator.
BH: Favorite bathroom at UW?
BB: Handicapped stall at the complex. I put an out of order sign on it so no one else ever uses it. Here is the genius part, I take the sign off when I go in there & place it on the stall next to me. I’m always assured to have my privacy that way. I’ve got a Scentsy pot in there, all of my favorite reading materials like OUI magazine & TP with aloe. I could stay in there for hours.
BH: I noticed you were wearing a white pullover on Saturday for the B1G championship game. Why?
BB: Oh I think you know. “Accidental” nipple show. You’re welcome by the way.
BH: What size sweatpants are you at this year?
BB: Triple XL. My lady said it’s because the Bieledong just keeps getting bigger.
BH: Most food you’ve ever ate in one sitting?
BB: I can recall two times getting a bit weird with food. The first, I went to the Jade Garden with some of the O-line. They challenged me to eat 40 crab rangoon. I ate 56. Later that day, I went out to eat at Perkins with some of the coaches. I was telling the story about it to them and they didn’t believe this marvelous feat. Chryst (that’s before that asshat traitor left) especially didn’t believe me. That evening we were in the office, he had about a dozen each of ketchup, mustard, and mayo packets on his desk so I ate them all. Later, I puked in the top drawer of his desk. Win/Win.
BH: What are your thoughts on former coach Bobby Petrino? What about Jessica Dorrell? Plan on getting a motorcycle?
BB: Never heard of him. Jessica is a wonderful young lady. We have had several conversations & she seems highly qualified to hold any number of positions on the staff at my new school. And shit yes, always wanted a Ninja!
BH: Do you even wear underpants?
BB: I do not. I have a seamstress in Madtown that sews in a Bieledong pocket in all of my pants. So I have to slide it in there. It compensates for the Bieledong being flaccid and at full attention.
BH: How do these two female student bodies (of UW and Arkansas) compare?
BB: I’m going to put this simply…I’ve never met a woman I didn’t like.
BH: Who are you, really?
BB: The Amazing Bret Bielema, head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.
Follow the legendary Twitter account here