SPORTS
Point-counterpoint: New Olympic sport
Looking for a print version?
Simply choose ‘Print’ on your computer and a printer-friendly document will be generated.
Also by Kevin Hagstrom and Ben Voelkel:
- PCP: Most ridiculous bowl sponsor (December 5, 2007)
- Point-counterpoint: New Olympic sport (November 28, 2007)
- Point-counterpoint: Best way to replace axe (November 14, 2007)
- Point-counterpoint: Winless or Undefeated (November 7, 2007)
- Point-counterpoint: Spookiest sports costume (October 31, 2007)
Related Stories:
- McGrath says: Skis plus weaponry? Talk about walking in winter wonderland (February 22, 2006)
- Witty strives to stay atop the hill (February 13, 2002)
- Worst Sport Ever (September 20, 2006)
- The good and the bad of this year's winter Olympics (January 31, 2002)
- Anonymity adds excitement to winter games (January 31, 2002)
by Kevin Hagstrom and Ben Voelkel
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Hagstrom
Adding rugby, the rest of the world's version of the NFL
without pads, to the slate for the 2008 Olympics would certainly be
entertaining. Even speed walking would tickle my fancy, watching groups of
people swinging their arms, doing their best to emulate a hummingbird, all the
while maintaining a heel-to-toe gait.
While there wouldn't be a shortage of fun with either option
or many other sports for that matter (it's hard for any new sport to fall short
of current Olympic sports such as fencing, archery or table tennis), the point
is to manipulate the games to give the United States the advantage.
I know the triathlon already exists, but my idea of the
three-sport endurance race is a little bit different. It's called the Caloric
Pyramid. Basically, the race would involve eating, eating and more eating.
First, the competitors would have to swallow their way out
of a small tank of molasses (the swimming part). Then they'd hop onto a Segway
and cruise for five miles before finishing the race with a mile walk. But
here's the catch; the competitors need to stop every mile on their Segway, park
in a designated handicap parking space and, in a six minute eat-a-thon, scarf
down as many hot dogs as they can (the total number eaten is factored into the
final score in addition to the person who completes the Caloric Pyramid the
fastest). As for the mile walk (it's a moving walkway), competitors will be
situated behind an ice cream truck and forced to eat everything dropped their
way.
Given the nature of Americans — as of 2004, 65 percent of
them were overweight — my cirque de food would give the red, white and blue the
upper hand in at least one Olympic competition. And after an inevitable sweep
of the medals, the winners could truly say to the rest of the world, "I'm fat
and proud of it."
Point: Caloric Pyramid. Eat it!
Voelkel
Ever since its
humble inception as nude wrestling matches and sprints to determine the most
physically fit Greeks (incidentally not the ones from Langdon Street), the
Olympic games have been the true test of athleticism.
The ancient games died out thousands of years ago, but in the mid-1800s, they
were brought back. Ever since, however, the games have been in constant flux,
with new events being added to the annual slate and others subsequently
dropped.
With the next Olympics set to kickoff (tipoff, flame off, what do the Olympics
actually do?) in Beijing in September 2008, there is another opportunity for
the ever-wise International Olympic Committee to add an event.
Given the fact that the IOC has decided to drop both baseball and softball — actual
sports if there ever were — after the 2012 games, and given the recent addition
of snowboarding and the fact that it still gives medals for synchronized
swimming (aka a bunch of people flailing in water) it appears as if the Olympics
are moving in a direction away from traditional sports.
That should be kept in mind when considering which new sport to add.
The recent boom in popularity of poker makes it an intriguing option. It is
popular around the globe and fits the bill of a nontraditional Olympic
"discipline." But a game that is contingent on lying to your opponent doesn't
quite seem to fit the idyllic Olympic motto. That, and viewers would probably then
be forced to listen to Norman Chad ruin the Olympics.
Instead, the IOC should give a regional flavor to the games and add Chinese
checkers to the slate of contests.
It's the perfect game that balances strategy, skill (it can be tough to hang on
to those marbles and set them in the proper holes sometimes) and bringing
together people from around the globe (don't forget six people can play at once).
Chinese checkers. Huang wo! ("King me" for the Mandarin-illiterate.)
Anonymous (November 28, 2007 @ 7:41am):
B.O.R.I.N.G.
Anonymous (November 28, 2007 @ 7:59pm):
If only more people in American respected Olympic sports instead of making fun of them, then maybe we wouldn't be the most sedentary and obese country in the world.
Add a comment
We welcome your thoughts, but please keep your feedback thoughtful, on-topic and respectful. Offensive language, personal attacks, or irrelevant comments may be deleted.
Login...
Not registered? Sign up now.
It's quick, free, and the email address you provide will not be sold or solicited.
