The Badger Herald: Sports: Point-counterpoint: New Olympic sport

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Point-counterpoint: New Olympic sport

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Also by Kevin Hagstrom and Ben Voelkel:

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Point-counterpoint: New Olympic sport (November 28, 2007)
Point-counterpoint: Best way to replace axe (November 14, 2007)
Point-counterpoint: Winless or Undefeated (November 7, 2007)
Point-counterpoint: Spookiest sports costume (October 31, 2007)

By Kevin Hagstrom and Ben Voelkel
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 12:55 a.m.

2 Vote 0 Votes

Hagstrom

Adding rugby, the rest of the world's version of the NFL without pads, to the slate for the 2008 Olympics would certainly be entertaining. Even speed walking would tickle my fancy, watching groups of people swinging their arms, doing their best to emulate a hummingbird, all the while maintaining a heel-to-toe gait.

While there wouldn't be a shortage of fun with either option or many other sports for that matter (it's hard for any new sport to fall short of current Olympic sports such as fencing, archery or table tennis), the point is to manipulate the games to give the United States the advantage.

I know the triathlon already exists, but my idea of the three-sport endurance race is a little bit different. It's called the Caloric Pyramid. Basically, the race would involve eating, eating and more eating.

First, the competitors would have to swallow their way out of a small tank of molasses (the swimming part). Then they'd hop onto a Segway and cruise for five miles before finishing the race with a mile walk. But here's the catch; the competitors need to stop every mile on their Segway, park in a designated handicap parking space and, in a six minute eat-a-thon, scarf down as many hot dogs as they can (the total number eaten is factored into the final score in addition to the person who completes the Caloric Pyramid the fastest). As for the mile walk (it's a moving walkway), competitors will be situated behind an ice cream truck and forced to eat everything dropped their way.

Given the nature of Americans — as of 2004, 65 percent of them were overweight — my cirque de food would give the red, white and blue the upper hand in at least one Olympic competition. And after an inevitable sweep of the medals, the winners could truly say to the rest of the world, "I'm fat and proud of it."

Point: Caloric Pyramid. Eat it!

Voelkel

Ever since its humble inception as nude wrestling matches and sprints to determine the most physically fit Greeks (incidentally not the ones from Langdon Street), the Olympic games have been the true test of athleticism.

The ancient games died out thousands of years ago, but in the mid-1800s, they were brought back. Ever since, however, the games have been in constant flux, with new events being added to the annual slate and others subsequently dropped.

With the next Olympics set to kickoff (tipoff, flame off, what do the Olympics actually do?) in Beijing in September 2008, there is another opportunity for the ever-wise International Olympic Committee to add an event.

Given the fact that the IOC has decided to drop both baseball and softball — actual sports if there ever were — after the 2012 games, and given the recent addition of snowboarding and the fact that it still gives medals for synchronized swimming (aka a bunch of people flailing in water) it appears as if the Olympics are moving in a direction away from traditional sports.

That should be kept in mind when considering which new sport to add.

The recent boom in popularity of poker makes it an intriguing option. It is popular around the globe and fits the bill of a nontraditional Olympic "discipline." But a game that is contingent on lying to your opponent doesn't quite seem to fit the idyllic Olympic motto. That, and viewers would probably then be forced to listen to Norman Chad ruin the Olympics.

Instead, the IOC should give a regional flavor to the games and add Chinese checkers to the slate of contests.

It's the perfect game that balances strategy, skill (it can be tough to hang on to those marbles and set them in the proper holes sometimes) and bringing together people from around the globe (don't forget six people can play at once).

Chinese checkers. Huang wo! ("King me" for the Mandarin-illiterate.)

2 Comments | Leave a comment

Anonymous | November 28, 2007 7:41 AM | Reply
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B.O.R.I.N.G.

Anonymous | November 28, 2007 7:59 PM | Reply
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If only more people in American respected Olympic sports instead of making fun of them, then maybe we wouldn’t be the most sedentary and obese country in the world.