SPORTS
Super Bowl not so tasty
Looking for a print version?
Simply choose ‘Print’ on your computer and a printer-friendly document will be generated.
Also by Ben Voelkel:
- Rocky trip Outback for UW (January 1, 2008)
Related Stories:
- Rams, Patriots earn tickets to Super Bowl (January 28, 2002)
- A duel of delicious names (October 26, 2005)
- Super Bowl rescheduled in February (October 3, 2001)
- To no surprise, Rams favored for another Super Bowl win (January 31, 2002)
- PCP: Most ridiculous bowl sponsor (December 5, 2007)
by Ben Voelkel
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Imagine sitting down at a nice restaurant, ready to eat the fantastic meal you always get with your friends at this time of year. This restaurant always has the choicest of meats and an excellent atmosphere. There is even a guy who plays piano requests for tips, and he's really good. All told, this is one event you and your friends have been looking forward to for a whole year. In fact, it's all you could talk about among yourselves for the past two weeks. Everything is going great until the waiter gets to the table and tells you the chef has decided to make only two dishes tonight — both of which make you violently ill, albeit in different ways.
So what do you do? Pick one over the other — vomit over diarrhea — or skip the meal? Either choice of food leaves you with a crappy (excuse the pun) result. But if you just skip the meal, not only are you then stuck doing something by yourself while all your friends are eating, you have to wait a full year to have that same meal.
If I were you, I'd walk away. I'm not eating that meal and subjecting myself to the torture that will ensue. Which is why I am here today to say: on Feb. 4 I will not watch the Super Bowl. Yup, I said it. After much careful deliberation, I have decided to go Super Sunday with an empty Bowl.
This is a first for me. I have watched many games in which I really don't care who wins — probably more than is advisable while still trying to maintain decent grades.
Nope, this is different.
This time I don't think I can possibly deal with either the Bears or the Colts winning. If it was possible, I would do anything in my power to see a freak incident in which both teams end up forfeiting. I don't care who wins, just please, please not the Bears or Colts.
The worst part is I will probably miss a good game.
There were 12 teams at the start of the playoffs. If I knew my math I could figure it out exactly, but I'll just go ahead and say there are a lot of possible championship matchups in a 12-team tournament, probably more than 50. Out of all those possibilities, the one I absolutely did not want to see happen came through.
As a Packers fan, you are drilled from Day 1 to despise the Flatlanders to the south. The Happy Schnapps Combo's "The Bears Still Suck" is a lullaby, and the mention of the Bears' name is followed closely by a "Boo!"
I watched Sunday in excitement for three quarters as Rex Grossman struggled (a true rarity for a playmaker such as him) to move the ball against the Saints. Then the Bears wound up winning and set the stage for the second game.
But it is not necessarily the Bears' team itself that bugs me the most. Chicago fans are some of the most insufferably obnoxious around. All you have to do is remember a year ago when the Chicago White Sox won the World Series. White Sox fans came out of the woodwork loudly, wearing hats that all looked as if they had been purchased in the last week. The Bears winning the Super Bowl would be twice as bad, plus Grossman would go down as arguably the worst quarterback ever to win a ring.
So then why not root for the Colts? They are a likeable enough team for the most part — "for the most part" being the key phrase.
First of all, one of the few things I absolutely hate about sports is domed stadiums and the teams that play in them. Football is a game meant to be played in outdoor elements.
Still, that in itself would not be enough to dissuade me from cheering for the Colts. What puts the Colts over the top on the Hate-o-meter is Peyton Manning.
How is it possible to hate a 6-foot-5, 230-pound, rocket-arm quarterback, you ask? I've seen him check it to pancakes way too often. He's chanted "Cut that meat!" one time too many times. And honestly, I don't care if Tommy has the best arm in the neighborhood. If a punk kid on a bike throws a newspaper through my window, I am chasing him down, not smiling at him. Hey Peyton, that sound coming from my house, we actually are saying "Boooooooo!"
Peyton is so overexposed, it is ridiculous. Try turning on a football game and watching a commercial break without seeing him — impossible.
But my dislike for Manning actually didn't start with the commercial blitz. Manning plays quarterback like a robot. His perfect fundamentals make me wonder if he just got done watching the football equivalent of the Tom Emanski videos before every game. Don't get me wrong, fundamentals are good and should be taught to kids, but show a little bit of style out there, Peyton.
If the Colts win the Super Bowl, Manning's face will be everywhere. Be ready for "Peyton Manning Teaches You Sign Language" infomercials, Manning Flakes and who knows what else. I could barely handle the Battle of the Gridiron Stars overload — three Mannings on one show, placed strategically on opposing teams so that one has to win.
The Colts are out of the picture, too, then.
So, screw you guys and your Super Bowl that makes me sick. I am eating alone.
Ben is a sophomore majoring in political science and journalism. If you are an attractive female in search of a date Feb. 4 or want to talk smack about Manning and the Bears, shoot him an e-mail at bvoelkel@badgerherald.com.
Anonymous (January 24, 2007 @ 10:15am):
I refuse to watch it either. Bear fans are the most fairweather fans on the planet. They boo Rex Grossman everytime he came on the field this season. Who does that? I force myself to root for the Colts because i hate the Bear fans so much. The problem with rooting for the Colts is that I dont want Peyton to get a Super Bowl ring. He has a chance to beat Favre in a ton of QB records and as long as he doesnt have a super bowl ring he will be the next Dan Marino. I want Favre to have all the records and be the best recognized as the best QB ever. Dont let Peyton rain on his parade.
Anonymous (January 24, 2007 @ 11:29am):
36
Anonymous (January 24, 2007 @ 11:33am):
read your comment about wanting both teams to lose. Typical of cheese heads. Jealous of the Bears and still holding up our traffic in the left lane.
All I can say is the packers stink and tough munster to you.
DA BEARZZZZ
Anonymous (January 24, 2007 @ 1:07pm):
First of all, I'll give you the Bears stuff. Those Chicago fans are insufferable. But regarding the Colts and Manning, I suspect you ave a fear that Peyton might just pass Favre in some records and take a bit of the glow away from good old Brett. Don't worry about that, Brett is a legend and will always be. I do hate that some football teams play in a dome though. It is kind of un-football like. If Green Bay can play outside, why not Indy? That being said, I have a hard time rooting for either also.
Anonymous (January 24, 2007 @ 3:08pm):
typical packer fan ranting on things that are everything but the football, except for manning's "robot" style of play. ill take the robot over a pain killer fiend who runs around trading sacks for interceptions and swears by the number 4. this is not the greatest superbowl mathchup but has great potential as a game putting shutdown defense against knockout offense, but thanks for not watching it-Brats gets too crowded anyway. go steelers!
Anonymous (January 24, 2007 @ 5:19pm):
CUT THAT MEAT.
CUT THAT MEAT.
What an elaborate facade over the real reason you're not watching it:
You're watching reruns of Sex and the City and buying a box of tissues for your 1,000th back to back viewing of Dr. Zhivago and Brokeback Mountain.
Wuh wuh wuh wuh WUHHHHHH, WUHHHHH, wuh wuh wuh.
Anonymous (January 24, 2007 @ 6:39pm):
Waaa Waaa, the Packers stunk for the first half of the season (although they'll be a threat next year). Man up and do what us Bears fans did in the '90s: Root for whoever is playing against us. I don't care if their dome bothers you, but don't be a whiny little you-know-what because the Bears may prove themselves to be the best team in football, and that would shatter your psyche.
Anonymous (January 25, 2007 @ 12:49am):
Hey Ben! Great article! I was in your econ class last semester :P give me a call, 262 352 8607
-- Dutchess (you know, that blonde who sat up front :P)
Add a comment
We welcome your thoughts, but please keep your feedback thoughtful, on-topic and respectful. Offensive language, personal attacks, or irrelevant comments may be deleted.
Login...
Not registered? Sign up now.
It's quick, free, and the email address you provide will not be sold or solicited.
