Opinion: Column
Sunlight: The new wave of terror
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Also by David Carter:
- Sunlight: The new wave of terror (November 2, 2009)
- 'Anonymous' says this piece blows (October 19, 2009)
- Madison Initiative for Undergrads surprisingly smart (October 12, 2009)
- Primate experimentation needs utilitarian approach (September 24, 2009)
- Not all involvement sincere, not all apathy worthless (September 10, 2009)
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Listen sun, cut the crap. I don’t know what your problem is, but stop screwing around and either warm the globe or cool the globe. Pick one. We have enough problems down here as it is. A state representative got his fifth OWI. Rabid coyotes are eating our folk singers. Idiotic parents are creating hoaxes with their kids and gigantic balloons. And now, in the middle of all this, you’re going start flexing your muscle? What do you want? Virgin sacrifice? You can have the Jonas Brothers.
This almost yearlong “psych” pulled by the sun and his global warming agenda has left thousands of Wisconsin farmers with fields full of deteriorating crops. The cool spring, summer and now fall have left the moisture content of farmers’ crops too high to harvest. As if we needed another shortage, a significant portion of America’s supply of corn and soybeans is in jeopardy, and with it, the livelihoods of these farmers.
“We need a little of that global warming we hear so much about,” a corn farmer was quoted saying in the Capital Times. Tell me about it.
Just when we all were getting used to the idea of melted glaciers, rising ocean levels and Wisconsin being that much closer to the coast, it appears the sun has found yet a whole new way to screw with humanity.
The animosity the sun is generating is well deserved. He just lazily spends his day, sitting up there, scheming, formulating plans to ruin the lives of his scared worshipers. One year it’s 90 degrees all summer long and there’s a drought. The next year it’s cold and damp and farmers can’t cash in on their hard work. We’ve got to take action, so join me. We need to take this power of controlling the climate and, subsequently, our lives out of the sun’s hands. This is why I suggest we boycott the sun.
The sun has been acting irrationally lately. He’s wrongfully placing his vengeance on Americans. When it comes to global warming, in all fairness, we deserve some leniency. We’ve considered buying hybrid cars. We hosted a “Dancing with the Stars” special in Las Vegas with a “Go Green” mantra. We’ve thoroughly weighed the options of becoming a part of the Kyoto Agreement. And recently our governor, Jim Doyle, gave a speech about increasing the use of alternative energies. A speech! All of this to try and please the big burning ball in the sky. What more can we do? I’ll tell you what: a boycott.
In the good old Bush and Cheney days, all I’d have to say to straighten a guy out with an inflated ego, like the sun, is to get a hold of your state’s senator and tell them to vote on a full assault against the sun. We would’ve taken care of the sun the way we Americans take care of every issue that confuses and frightens us: by bombing the shit out of it.
Alas, those days of action are gone. The substitute is, apparently, talking about the problem ad nauseam.
Sorry but we need you to step aside, Marsh Shapiro. Go back to hiding in that box, Falcon. Osama, bring your lanky ass out of that cave and have a stretch. Until we get all this global warming bullshit under wraps, all other issues have to wait.
To clear your minds to finally focus on the real threat, the real enemy — the sun — allow me to end every current debate:
Illegal Immigration: We’re not going to be able to stop them, so learn Spanish and shut up.
Health Care: Fire, police, education, public works, national defense… What’s missing? It should have been done a long time ago.
War: It’s wrong, but it makes for good movies.
Religion: It’s wrong, but it makes for good artwork.
Taxes and the Economy: Libertarians, Democrats, Independents, Republicans — none of you know what you’re doing, if you did, the problems would have been solved already.
Arts: The Lord of the Rings trilogy sucked. All of them. All 10 hours of them. Sucked.
There, now that I’ve cleared your minds we can get back to the sun.
Unlike most issues, when it comes to global warming, politicians and I can agree. We agree we need to focus our attention solely on ignoring solving the problem, which is why I’m certain they will all support me in my mission to boycott the bastard.
To get the ball rolling, we need a “boycott the sun” rally right here in Madison. A rally drenched in red, white and blue. It would be televised all over the world. There would be thousands of people driving in from all parts of the country. We’d get Bono and Oprah to show up and plant a tree. We would have hundreds of vendors. Jim Doyle and other politicians would make speeches. And all the energy we use for the rally would be offset with carbon credits to let people know we’re serious about fighting global warming; kind of like the Badger football game in September. It’d be like the whole thing never happened because, you know, carbon credits, like, erase pollution and stuff.
It’s not even an option anymore. We must have this issue talked to death so by the time everyone is out of breath, half the earth is burnt to a cinder.
The alternative, I guess, would be to waste your time taking shorter showers, buying hybrid cars and energy efficient light bulbs, recycling, walking or biking instead of driving, consuming less, staying in touch with what the scientific community says about global warming, demanding widespread action from legislatures and all that crap.
Or you can join a real cause and boycott the sun!
David Carter (drcarter@wisc.edu) is a senior majoring in forestry.
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IP hash: bc9e13a0
tastefully done.
IP hash: 38c1e93c
“Illegal Immigration: We’re not going to be able to stop them, so learn Spanish and shut up.”
Pussy! Let ‘em take YOUR job, not ours!
IP hash: b80a4fbb
They took our jobs!!!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6610212795155043011#
IP hash: 740fc5f2
you’re a moron. you’re afraid an illegal immigrant who most likely can’t speak english and probably didn’t have an education is going to take your job? think about it, dickhead
IP hash: 7f83778e
i sincerely hope illegal immigrants take your job bc you are probably too ignorant to do it right as it is..
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I will not “learn Spanish and shut up.”
IP hash: 740fc5f2
good for you
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“Health Care: Fire, police, education, public works, national defense… What’s missing? It should have been done a long time ago.”
It was done a long time ago. It’s called socialism and it kills.
IP hash: 25b2a270
This piece blows.
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joke is on you then i suppose because you did take the time to read it, yes? a few minutes of your life you will never be able to get back.
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I have to say that I enjoyed this article. However, the Sun means business and rules over everything. Native Americans (and many other so-called “pagan” religions) will tell you the Sun is Our Father who art in [the] Heaven[s]. And our Father is not pleased. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we are on the cusp of an Ice Age.
http://www.greenpeace.org/raw/content/international/press/reports/an-abrupt-climate-change-scena.pdf
The Sun is preparing us for radical change and it is indeed the Sun (among other factors) that is responsible for climate change.
Consider the following quotes:
MARS MELT HINTS AT SOLAR, NOT HUMAN, CAUSE FOR WARMING, SCIENTISTS SAY Simultaneous warming on Earth and Mars suggests that our planet’s recent climate changes have a natural and not a human-induced cause, according to one scientist’s controversial theory. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/02/070228-mars-warming.html
I am a skeptic…Global warming has become a new religion.” —Nobel Prize Winner for Physics, Ivar Giaever.
“Warming fears are the “worst scientific scandal in the history…When people come to know what the truth is, they will feel deceived by science and scientists.” —UN IPCC Japanese Scientist Dr. Kiminori Itoh, an award-winning PhD environmental physical chemist.
“Since I am no longer affiliated with any organization nor receiving any funding, I can speak quite frankly….As a scientist I remain skeptical.” —Atmospheric Scientist Dr. Joanne Simpson, the first woman in the world to receive a PhD in meteorology and formerly of NASA who has authored more than 190 studies and has been called “among the most preeminent scientists of the last 100 years.”
“For how many years must the planet cool before we begin to understand that the planet is not warming? For how many years must cooling go on?” —Geologist Dr. David Gee the chairman of the science committee of the 2008 International Geological Congress who has authored 130 plus peer reviewed papers, and is currently at Uppsala University in Sweden.
“Many [scientists] are now searching for a way to back out quietly (from promoting warming fears), without having their professional careers ruined.” —Atmospheric physicist James A. Peden, formerly of the Space Research and Coordination Center in Pittsburgh.
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I’m down. Aurora Borealis is a Russian hoax anyway.
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Global warming might be a problem but global cooling would be the end of civilization, not the mention billions of people starving to death - all due to the Sun not sending us as much heat as we are used to.
IP hash: 060f8452
October 2009 was the third coldest in the United States in the last 115 years. I’m never right about politics, but it sure seems like a bad fact for the Democrats who are ramming through a climate change bill without debate or any Republican support.
http://wattsupwiththat.com/2009/11/07/october-2009-3rd-coldest-for-us-in-115-years-what-about-the-upcoming-winter/