Opinion: Column
Evolution, schmevolution! Just wait for judgment day
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Also by Sean Kittridge:
- Rumor-filled radio can't save medium (November 10, 2009)
- Milwaukee Public School system in serious need of repair (November 4, 2009)
- Evolution, schmevolution! Just wait for judgment day (October 20, 2009)
- Public television worth the money (October 13, 2009)
- $200 on "Get Smart" DVD's? Sure, if you don't get caught (October 5, 2009)
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“This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a whimper.” — T.S. Eliot
These words should be taken with a grain of salt, and not simply because Eliot left the majesty of the United States to become a Tory at age 25. No, I fear the end is upon us, but instead of Eliot’s faint, final cough of existence, we will rot at the hands of a man who feels his evolutionary display trumps higher laws. Go to Rennebohm Park. Look at the 10 “educational” displays. And then say five Hail Mary’s.
At the park, stuck into the very soil the almighty used to create Adam, are 10 signs, each describing a different phase of man’s evolutionary process. Nick Schweitzer, an attorney (typical) and designer of the display, claims it’s meant to be a teaching devise, and with text and visuals accompanying each one, they look like a legitimate tribute to the scientific explanation of our origins. But I know legitimate signs, and if I don’t see locusts or slaughtered lambs, I’m skeptical. These are not images of progress; they are academic distortions. Just like dinosaurs.
This list of human offenses seemingly teasing fate to dust our world under the cosmic table are too numerous and reviling to list in the public forum, yet I take no hesitance in singling out the lynchpin. Schweitzer, you have drunkenly initiated a game of chicken with an opponent far too cunning for you to ever overpower, and you’ve strapped humanity into the passenger seat. He is the Vin Diesel to your Paul Walker, both too fast and too furious to ever be toyed with, and yet you’ve provoked him. But not just him; Him. By bringing evolution to public parks, and by secularizing the green space God spent at least part of an entire day building from nothing, we’re now doomed.
The display, which encompasses a quarter-mile of space in Rennebohm Park on Regent Street, serves as a poorly veiled taunt to your enemies. It is not enough for you that Regent Street is already a haven for sin, with its bars and tattoo parlors and the nearby second-trimester abortion clinic. Many of us take comfort in knowing that our pro-life picket signs are put to good use, and while we recognize printer ink is pricey, it was worth the cost knowing those large photos of aborted fetuses are teaching a lesson to the community. Even more, I assume you deceive under the notion that you too are “teaching” the public, allowing it an opportunity to experience — however so slightly — the grand scope of human existence. Well, Schweitzer, misinformation is a powerful tool. Just ask Premier Obama.
A public space is no place to push an agenda. It is meant to be appreciated by all, whether they’re black or white, Missouri Synod or Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod; everybody. It’s not as if you see us commissioning large stone works depicting the Ten Commandments, because we know better. There’s only one real court to worry about, and that’s the court of the divine. And that one that keeps telling me I can’t have four wives.
We live in a world that is already divisive enough, yet we live in it together. Sure, there are some in the scientific community who back this notion of evolution, but there are many brave and intelligent souls who understand the folly of “theories.” You want to tell me that both Ben Stein and Kirk Cameron are wrong? I didn’t think so. Instead of letting these areas of contention keep man at his brother’s throat, we should focus on those aspects of life where we agree, such as the immorality of war, our responsibility to feed the homeless and the beauty of transubstantiation. At least until we’re whisked away and you’re “left behind.”
It feels dishonest. Those 10 signs you’ve erected in Rennebohm Park are meant to convey the struggle and odds man has overcome to reach this point in history. It’s a beautiful idea, and I am proud to share a similar display in my home. It’s over my bed. And in my kitchen. And in my bathroom. And there’s a second one in my kitchen. It’s a crucifix.
I must admit, every time I see storm clouds gathering, a part of me wants to rush to PetSmart and start stockpiling two of every domesticated rodent. We are not long for this Earth, and because of actions like yours, odds are that you’ll be playing intramural hoops with Satan and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar quicker than I can figure out who begat Amminidab. Alas, we can only hope God has a sense of humor.
Sean Kittridge (skittridge@badgerherald.com) is a senior majoring in journalism.
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As a former WELS-er, I appreciate this immensely.
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The world is a cold and cruel place. I pray for its timely demise.
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The god of the christians is all-powerful, except that he can’t use evolution as a tool to accomplish his goals?
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so which part of the ten commandments lets you trash Schweitzer?
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At first I thought this article was a joke. I kept reading, thinking I would get to the end and there would be some kind of punch line, but to no avail. Now I am am seriously upset at you Mr. Kittridge. If you are trying to advocate focusing on the aspects of life where “you” and “I” agree, then you are just stupid for writing this pro-creation propaganda bullshit. I don’t believe in god, and frankly I think anyone who does is stupid, but I don’t go around saying we should get along and then call them stupid! That is counter intuitive just like this poorly written excuse for an op-ed article. I feel sorry for you if you believe that life is so precious that it can only be enjoyed once you’ve ascended into heaven… because if you ask me, the miracle of life didn’t come from some all powerful creator, but from some act of nature/universe. Now, I propose to you that I would be willing to meet you half way and say that if god really did create the universe and what not, that he would have had evolution as a tool that he created. However, since you seem to have a crucifix tightly concealed in your rectum, I fear there is no middle ground and that we will just have to agree to disagree, and I will take your faith biased opinions as threats. And as for your attack on the credibility of “theories,” just remember that gravity is a theory, and just like all theories, can be tested and scientifically scrutinized but not disproved. Can the same be said for anything in the Bible? If so I’m sure you have the evidence, right? Wait, you mean this is all based on faith? Wow, you almost had me there, for a second I thought really believed that hocus pocus jesus crap!
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Yeah, Sean, I know you’re trying to be light-hearted about this, but this article is not good. Bars and tattoo parlors are dens of sin? Are you Amish, dude?
As for the 2nd trimester abortion clinic remark, not cool. There are women carrying fetuses with serious defects — defects that are too severe to ever maintain life (ex. anencephaly)— who have to read crap like this in every newspaper and every church bulletin, and feel judged for the only reasonable decision they can make.
So, Sean, look long and hard at the crucifix in your bathroom (seriously, how sacred), and remind yourself about the teachings of Jesus, and how He was able to teach without spewing ignorant mess like this from his lips.
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Every time I read that Kittridge is a journalism major, part of me dies inside.
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This is hilarious! Its a joke, right?
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I don’t even know where to begin. This has to be a joke right? You don’t actually attend my college, right?
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Creationism: When science is just too hard to understand.
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This is truly disgusting. I, too, thought this was a joke. But alas, the punch-line never comes.
It is a bit disheartening to know that members of a civil, educated society can take the research and scientific breakthrough of the 20th century and just throw it out.
I suppose that my time at UW has allowed me to forget about the unfortunate masses that cling to the convenience of “God” and creationism. It is sad that members of an ever-increasingly educated and enlightened society can take the vasty amounts of research and scientific break through of the 19th, 20th, and 21st centuries and throw it all out the window.
Perhaps I should be more tolerant and accepting of religious folk. But I’ve had enough. We live in an enlightened age. Vast amounts of research is only a mouse click away. It’s time for more people to think for themselves, reason, and use logic.
Religion has been good for one thing, though. Well, if “good” is defined by religion’s ability to stifle social progress and academic discovery for 3,000 years.
Another thing, dear Religiosos: Please quit demonizing the rest of us. I’m tired of walking through library mall and being told I’m going to hell. Let’s get this straight: If “God” does exist (he doesn’t) and if Jesus died for our sins (no… he died in vain) then our fate will be decided on our judgement day. It seems to me that your judgement is doing more harm than good to your cause. Oh, and hopefully “God” will send you directly into the depths of hell for being a douche bag.
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The story of creation in itself is strange. God was able to create the universe in 6 days, then took a breather on the 7th. Does that mean that God still takes every 7th day off after an exhausting week, or was it just that one time? Or, perhaps, has God been “hands off” since creation (allowing evolution and free will to occur)? What happened on the 8th day?
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If this is satire, it’s probably some of the worst satire I’ve ever read. I was going to post more, but 6:33 summed it up really well.
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Wow, so much for Liberal Madison being open-minded and tolerant of differing viewpoints. Isn’t that one of your cornerstone beliefs? So much hypocrisy, (from both sides, but with the commentary lately, it’s just spewing from the far left). It’s statements like some of the ones above that make me regret admitting that I graduated from this university. Why can’t religion and science co-exist?? As Albert Einstein once said: “Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”
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What ever could have made you think Madison was open-minded and tolerant of other viewpoints? Madison is further to the left of most cities, but just as closed minded.
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@ 1:23am
Exactly. Accepting of other viewpoints? No. Mainstream liberal Madison accepts other viewpoints when they conveniently fall into their area of beliefs. If those other viewpoints are of a more reactionary or conservative bent, then to Hell with them! (figuratively of course, as many here seem not to believe…)
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Its a shame that you people need to be spoonfed a punchline to realize something isnt serious.
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Has no one heard of satire? Calm down.
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I like satire as much as anyone, but I generally prefer the kind that isn’t awful. This is not that kind of satire.
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Don’t ever confuse liberal as synonomous with “open minded”. Where do people get this? Therre is nothing wrong with a narrow view as long as one can defend it. This is where the conservatives are weak. Their collective lack of intellectualism and their proclivity to wear NASCAR clothing is to their own detriment.
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“You want to tell me that both Ben Stein and Kirk Cameron are wrong? I didn’t think so.” Actually, yes Sean, I do. They are wrong. And when a child actor from Growing Pains is one of the two people you cite to legitimize an opinion on a scientific matter, it doesn’t strengthen it. “A public space is no place to push an agenda.” That’s funny, just one paragraph earlier you applaud conservative pro-lifers who are “teaching a lesson to the community” with their signs on Regent Street. That’s not pushing an agenda in a public space? “I must admit, every time I see storm clouds gathering, a part of me wants to rush to PetSmart and start stockpiling two of every domesticated rodent.” I completely believe you think this you douche. As for liberal Madison not being tolerant and open-minded? I don’t care if you religious nuts pray to your hearts content and hide like Sean “the douche” Kittridge every time there is a stiff breeze. But when people like Sean tell us we are going to hell for believing in evolution, or for getting tattoos or for going to bars, I will defend the left. And when he claims that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is going to hell for what I assume is being Muslim, than I will get heated and malicious in my rebuttal.
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“You want to tell me that both Ben Stein and Kirk Cameron are wrong? I didn’t think so.” Actually, yes Sean, I do. They are wrong. And when a child actor from Growing Pains is one of the two people you cite to legitimize an opinion on a scientific matter, it doesn’t strengthen it. “A public space is no place to push an agenda.” That’s funny, just one paragraph earlier you applaud conservative pro-lifers who are “teaching a lesson to the community” with their signs on Regent Street. That’s not pushing an agenda in a public space? “I must admit, every time I see storm clouds gathering, a part of me wants to rush to PetSmart and start stockpiling two of every domesticated rodent.” I completely believe you think this. As for liberal Madison not being tolerant and open-minded? I don’t care if you religious nuts pray to your hearts content and hide like Sean every time there is a stiff breeze. But when people like Sean tell us we are going to hell for believing in evolution, or for getting tattoos or for going to bars, I will defend the left. And when he claims that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is going to hell for what I assume is being Muslim, than I will get heated and malicious in my rebuttal.
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I’m also a former WELS-er and, while I appreciate your attempt at satire, it really wasn’t that well-developed. Better luck next time.
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Yes, this is an unfortunate piece. I strongly suspect that, if you do not already, you will come to regret the decision to submit it. Particularly if you fancy yourself some kind of comedian or other type of creative-class incisive commentator. It’s interesting, though, that you have managed to create an article whose construction - aided in no small part by your ineptitude and unclear motivation - makes it all but impossible to quickly understand the position you are attempting to take; and, after one determines your intent, correctly or not, it is hard not to feel embarrassed for you.
It’s like a middle-schooler who reads The Onion: he knows funny when he sees it, but his creative sense is insufficient to understand exactly why it is funny. So, when this child submits an article to the paper, aping the style of his favorite columns, he doesn’t understand why people don’t get it. :(
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For my English class I had to pick an article that was heavily flawed in its overall support and reasoning. I picked this one. Thanks!
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For my English class I had to pick an article that was heavily flawed in its overall support and reasoning. I picked this one. Thanks!
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Good. Maybe your English professor can teach you the meaning of satire and why if you ever going into journalism or writing for a career Sean Kittridge will make roughly 7.4 times money for each of his columns than you will ever make in your career.
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It’s cute when you comment on your own columns, Sean.
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I’m not going to say that he doesn’t comment on his own columns, but that was not him. It was me.
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I was wondering what awful satire written by the ugliest man in the world would be like. Thank you for your help.
P.S.: You will never find creative work, because you are terrible beyond repair. If you ever wish to make money in the creative field, this is your only option: buy a wig and get used to laying on your back.
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How do you know this satire? Do you know Sean personally and he’s not the mindless religious nut who wets himself every time he hears thunder I imagine?