Opinion
Student swine flu survival syllabus
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My fellow hypochondriacs, the last few months have been a nerve-racking time for all of us. With the outbreak of a hellish strain of influenza, named H1N1, sleep has become a gift that does not present itself often enough. In hopes of alleviating fears of this apocalyptic disease, the university has taken a very strict stance on how to prolong the inevitable outbreak. Chancellor Biddy Martin and Dean Lori Berquam’s e-mails reminding us all to take caution during this cruel time are simply elementary. The professor’s tolerance of “sick days” is just not enough.
Unfortunately, we are dealing with a cataclysmic illness that will affect us all. The projected mutation of this disease has God himself cursing Lucifer for cooking up such a demon.
Readers may be fearful of this outbreak, but are unable to think of how to prolong their health before becoming a victim. This is why I have composed a few tips to help prevent a contraction. If you use these techniques, I can guarantee you will drag out your healthiness. Consider this your swine flu survival guide.
The first step is simple and does not require much effort: Stop going to classes. Normandy during WWII being the exception, I could not think of a more dangerous, unwanted place I would rather be than in a lecture right now. Yes, I understand this is a radical suggestion. However, I would rather be radical than dead. The fewer people you are around, the smaller your chance of exposure to the strain. If you would rather not waste thousands of dollars of tuition following my suggestion, I understand. Conveniently, I have thought of a possible solution to both problems. If you bravely decide to attend lecture, be aware of all coughs, sneezes, and clearing of scratchy throats. These are clear signs of H1N1. If you spot someone with symptoms of H1N1, do as such: Calmly stand up, point out the culprit and announce to the class a possible swine flu victim. Not only are you making those around you aware to a possible contamination, but you also informing the victim of his unhealthy characteristics. In conclusion, you will save the lives of many people and will be treated like a hero.
The second step is specifically for those who live in a university residence hall. House fellows and residents need to be aware of each other’s health conditions at all time. Constant surveillance of every resident is a must. We all need to work together to help keep the dorms hazard-free. If you have not seen a fellow floor resident in over 24 hours, assume they have H1N1. Once you’ve decided they cannot be saved by conventional medicine, there are a few precautions that you can take to protect humanity. Locate the SARS containment gear that still should be in your first aid kit. Since SARS was an overblown “catastrophe,” the duct tape and plastic that make up the kit should be unused and could act as a perfect makeshift containment area. Simply tape the plastic over the resident’s door, sealing in any air that may leak out into the hallway. After the quarantine has been constructed, elect a guard from your floor to stand and prevent the resident from leaving his captivity. Only after these precautions are in effect will residence halls be safe.
Finally, as a precautionary measure, stock two weeks of food in every single room of your apartment or house. The average case of H1N1 has a two-week lifespan from symptoms to full health. Therefore, containment during that time is a must. Once contaminated, seal yourself in the room. We don’t need to starve ourselves, but we do need to cut ourselves off from the outside world. There is no such thing as popularity with the swine flu in full force.
This is a deathly serious time for the health of this university. The projected numbers of contaminated students is nothing less than scary. You may say that I am over-exaggerating a simple strain of flu. You may be sick of hearing about the swine flu itself. Maybe I am just feeding the fears of everyone, leading to an even more dysfunctional panic. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Obviously, President Roosevelt didn’t have swine flu.
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I’m going to guess that this is a joke and then say it is a waste of space in the newspaper.
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You aren’t funny, give up, or at least take it more seriously. Its a lot like cancer: you may not be affected by it now, so you ignore it or don’t take it seriously, but what about 20 years from now when you are dying of prostate cancer? Same for the flu: people die from it.
As a college sophomore so clearly well informed about the world we live in and as a very clever and hilarious person, you know that it is in very good taste to make fun of a quickly mutating disease that has killed people.
Spanish flu, 1918, look it up. H1N1 kills as many as 100 million people, go ahead and make a joke about it. God forbid someone try to help protect you. Don’t cite modern medical advances to try to say it can’t happen again, because it can.
How the Herald can run this and expect legitimacy as a real paper is beyond me. Please grow up before you write another article.
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Well written. It made me think of “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift.
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Wow, what a waste of space. For a minute, I thought I was reading the Onion.
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zach day, you are a funny man. i approve.
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1:37 your an idiot. First of all, you immediately loose all credibility due to the fact that you just compared swine flu to cancer. Second, I believe Mr. Day isn’t making fun of the disease itself, but instead the ridiculous amount of attention the University has given it. Lets be realistic, its an overblown “pandemic” that was over hyped by the media.
Oh and by the way, you know what people also die from, food poisoning, but I am willing to bet you still eat at most restaurants on state street. When you stop eating 1:37, then you can come lecture us on the dangers of swine flu.
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I literally laughed out loud at this. Very well-done.
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Swine flu is totally like cancer. How dare you make fun of cancer. Plus, literally millions of children, innocent children, die every day from cancer. Save us the facade next time and just post 500 words of dead baby jokes.
Shame on you Zach Day.
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lol
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091024/aponheme/usmedswineflu
“Nearly 100 swine flu deaths in children have been reported, CDC officials also said.”
right zach day? keep laughing at all the dead US citizens right asshole? so edgy with all your cool op-ed pieces, right? I swear to god if i ever meet you I will punch you in the face, you don’t need to publish this badger herald, just know i will punch this stupid lifelong frosh in the face if i ever meet him and call him an ignorant fuck too.
LOL AT DEAD KIDS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA zach you are so cool for reals where do you come up with these sweet articles? o wait, they are ALL TERRIBLY ARGUED WITH TERRIBLE LOGIC. PLEASE STOP DRAGGING THE BH DOWN WITH YOU AND PICK A NEW MAJOR.