Opinion

Manilow, Stewart combat debauchery

Madison is known nationwide for its progressive nature and the cultural diversity it offers, especially for a Midwestern city. And in no part of Madison is that more evident than on State Street, which combines that culture — in the form of one-of-a-kind dining options, specialty shops and street merchants — with the opportunity of getting to see a full-grown man vomiting uncontrollably.

Yes, State Street is just one example of a place where a bevy of ideas and beliefs blend in the proverbial melting pot. Unfortunately, when so many different opinions are thrown together in this way, tensions can rise, particularly if those opinions are being emitted by individuals who have ingested double-digit bottles of Grain Belt. An argument that shouldn’t take long to resolve — such as whether there should be a sequel to the movie “White Chicks” — frequently becomes a heated, and sometimes violent, debate.

For that reason, it is easy to see what a tough duty it must be to patrol that area on a nightly basis. Practically every day there is a police report stemming from State Street regarding a disturbance or a theft or public urination. But until recently, there was little the police could do to put an end to this unruly behavior other than taking out each offender one by one, only to release them and have the same people commit the same offenses a few days later.

Fortunately, that is all about to change. If you haven’t been paying attention, you are probably unaware of the newest technique developed in New Zealand, a country known more for its (note to self: look up something New Zealand is well-known for) than its advancements in crowd-control technology. Still, this idea is rock solid and should make its way to State Street quickly if we are serious about putting an end to cases of public rowdiness.

An article released Tuesday by The Associated Press details this newest innovation. In an effort to deter vandals and everyday hoodlums from hanging out in their establishment, a New Zealand mall decided the best course of action was to (pause for dramatic effect) play Barry Manilow music over its sound system. The idea here is most of today’s teens — and let’s face it, pretty much everyone — would find some place else to go if staying where you were meant hearing Barry Manilow songs.

Now, as effective as this strategy inevitably will be, I know what you are thinking: “Why not play Rod Stewart music?” Well that very issue is addressed in the article.

The AP quotes Central City Business Association manager Paul Lonsdale as saying, “I did not say Barry Manilow is a weapon of mass destruction.”

So, reading between the lines, what Lonsdale is indicating is the Manilow songs would act as more of a warning shot toward the troublemakers, urging them to vacate the mall, and that the more lethal tunes — the ones that would act as that weapon of mass destruction — would be held in reserve, only to be used when all other methods have failed.

We better hope it does not come to that. I, for one, would not want to see what would happen if, as a last resort, this ultimate weapon was deployed, and the scratchy voice of Rod Stewart boomed the reverberating words of “Maggie May” throughout the mall and then diffused throughout the nation of New Zealand like a rapidly-spreading oil spill, only more harmful to the environment. It would be devastating. And the results would be even more traumatic if they played “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”

So like any new technology, it would have to be used with caution at first. But I am confident that with the right tweaking, this plan could create an entirely new feeling of comfort for people on State Street and people inhabiting similarly incident-prone places throughout the world. Provided they wear ear plugs.

Todd Jasperson (tjasperson@wisc.edu) is a junior majoring in mathematics.