Politicians and music are a bad mix.

Every four years, presidential candidates hit the campaign trail, delivering hundreds of speeches to millions of people. At these events, the candidates subject their audiences to various campaign songs, which are almost always a) horrible tunes in their own right and b) not really appropriate to the campaign’s message.

For instance, Hillary Clinton is using Bachman-Turner Overdrive’s “Takin’ Care of Business” for her campaign this year. This is a totally obnoxious song, and on top of that, the lyrics actually glorify slacking off. Not really the message she’s looking to project. The senator is also using Celine Dion’s “You and I,” a tune sung by a musically challenged Canadian. Good thinking, Hillary.

Or take John Edwards’ use of John Mellencamp’s “This is Our Country.” Sure, the lyrics might be appropriate, but is it really a good idea to pick a song that Chevy has shoved down the throats of helpless TV viewers once every 10 minutes for the last year?

The problem seems to be particularly acute with Bruce Springsteen songs. In 1984, Ronald Reagan used “Born in the U.S.A.” as part of his reelection campaign. This would have been a great pick, if the song was a reminder of the Constitution’s requirement that the president be a natural-born citizen. Unfortunately, it’s not — it’s about a down-on-his-luck Vietnam vet. The Gipper should have learned from the experience of the New Jersey state Legislature, which in 1979 named “Born to Run” the state’s “Unofficial Youth Rock Anthem.” Another great pick, except for the fact that the song clearly expresses a yearning to permanently escape from New Jersey.

After decades of this nonsense, it’s abundantly clear politicians just don’t put much thought into their campaign’s musical selections. Luckily, I am here to help. Below is a list of songs that have been sadly overlooked this election season, along with my suggestions as to which candidate should use each one. I’m sure each campaign will thank me later.

“One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces” by Ben Folds Five: The definitive soundtrack for any Dennis Kucinich campaign event. The Ohio Congressman should also consider playing “Battle of Who Could Care Less” from the same album. And finally, to remind people of his delegate count, he should give U2’s “One” a spin.

“Regulate” by Warren G: John McCain’s stance on campaign finance reform isn’t too popular in many conservative quarters, so he should let this song do his talking for him. It’s a double whammy: The song explains his policy position and will leave critics really afraid to complain in the future.

“No Woman, No Cry” by Bob Marley: After the events that transpired in New Hampshire, is there any justification for Barack Obama not adopting this as his official campaign jingle?

“I’m Waiting for the Man” by the Velvet Underground: Some would say this song is about waiting for drugs, but don’t listen to them, Rudy Giuliani! It’s about waiting for the perfect time to start your campaign in earnest. And if someone has a picture of you dressed in drag, just play another Lou Reed ditty, “Walk on the Wild Side.”

“Fitter Happier” by Radiohead: It’s short and not really melodic, but Mike Huckabee — who lost more than 100 pounds as governor of Arkansas — should play this song at his events. Plus, it’s a perfect segue into OK Computer’s next track, “Electioneering.”

“Taxman” by the Beatles: Because John Edwards’ proposed entitlement spending won’t pay for itself.

“Everything to Everyone” by Everclear: John Kerry blew it by not campaigning with this song in 2004. Mitt Romney, don’t make the same mistake!

“Basket Case” by Green Day: Mike Gravel should consider this one. No particular reason.

“Check Yo Self” by Ice Cube: Ron Paul is bringing a lot of attention to the ballooning federal debt. The iconoclastic candidate should just adopt the motto of noted financial analyst Mr. Cube, because big D’s (deficits) are bad for “yo” health. 

“Changes” by David Bowie: Instead of bickering between the candidates, all future Democratic primary debate organizers should just play this song and be done with it. It’d be quicker and we’d learn just about as much

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones: And now, ladies and gentlemen, celebrate with the official theme song of the 2008 Republican National Convention 

“Ixnay on the Hombre” by The Offspring: This is an album and not a song, but Tom Tancredo probably could have found a way to make it work. That and a whole lot of Foreigner songs.

“November Rain” by Guns n’ Roses: I would support a constitutional amendment requiring the loser of the general election to play this song at his or her concession speech.

Ryan Masse (rmasse@badgerherald.com) is a first-year law student.