Madhatters rejected: Time to throw down

by Jeremy Elias

Tuesday, October 2, 2007 00:00

With neighborhood groups and the city council constantly trying to limit an increase in Madison bars, Ted Gervasi's attempt to relocate his bar, Madhatters, was opposed by many. Despite the legality of Mr. Gervasi's relocation, and the pre-existent nature of his tavern, concerned groups continued to alienate him. One group in particular was the Capitol Neighborhood Association, and its opposition ultimately led to Mr. Gervasi's abandoning the idea of resurrecting the bar, which was forced to move a year ago. Perhaps Mr. Gervasi felt no one was with him. Perhaps he was not willing to take on the CNA by himself. And perhaps he didn't realize I was willing to accompany him in battle.

So it is now, whether Mr. Gervasi is with me or not, that I challenge the CNA to a fight. Not a public debate, not an exchange of rhetorically saturated articles or e-mails, but an actual fight. This fall, Nov. 15, Ho Chunk Casino, cage match, winner take all. Ring those bells for the battle in the Dells. The CNA has been summoned.

What has got me so charged up? Why such a hatred for this irrationally fueled organization? Well, the CNA is made up of the kind of people who say, "Thank you" after they sneeze, only to point out that you forgot to say, "God bless you." They give you a judgmental look in the bathroom when you refrain from washing your hands after urinating. They're the ones who gave you a box of raisins when you arrived at their doorstep as an innocent little trick-or-treater. And most importantly, they're so narrow-minded, that in an effort to make this city safer, they are stripping Madison of its character and putting us at risk in the process.

Bars are governed establishments. They require bartenders to serve you. There are always bouncers on hand to control the environment. And recently there has been a plethora of mediocre-looking girls walking around with shots in test tubes, which have also added to the ambience. By attempting to eliminate these controlled environments in public places, CNA is forcing college students to entertain themselves elsewhere.

"Elsewhere" is a broad term, so I'll be a bit more specific. Overdosing on crystal meth and getting date-raped at house parties were what I was referring to. And as far as crystal meth goes, of course, it's fine in moderation, but without bars, the use of such drugs would soon be characterized as "excessive."

I know I am being drastic. But such drastic examples only serve as an illustration of what slightly less destructive changes could occur. CNA means well. We share the common motive of making this city safer. But I have faith in the police department, I have faith in the university's efforts, and I simply think the CNA is practicing flawed reasoning.

It wrongfully labeled bars like Madhatters as the catalyst for crime in this city. In the future, I would suggest the administration not adopt its principles of reasoning from the "Joseph McCarthy School of Thought." It is falling into that same trap of becoming so consumed with its agenda, that irrational thought goes unnoticed.

So Mr. Gervasi, I ask you: Accompany me to Ho Chunk Casino Nov. 15. We'll prove that just because you can't rationalize with irrational people, doesn't mean you can't pin them in a cage match. And as we bask in glory after our victory, reminiscing about those Chuck Liddell-inspired moves you practiced, we will realize our mission has been accomplished. While shooting craps after the match, drinking Miller out of those infamous Ho Chunk Styrofoam cups, you'll turn to me with that twinkle in your eye and say, "Madhatters is back, and you have an open tab anytime."

Jeremy Elias (jelias@wisc.edu) is a senior majoring in communication arts.