OPINION & EDITORIAL
Shape up freshmen, you owe it to me
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Also by Brenton Martell:
- Campaign coffers ring, distract race (November 9, 2007)
- Closet character opens new doors (October 29, 2007)
- Shape up freshmen, you owe it to me (September 28, 2007)
Related Stories:
- In defense of ego (Or ten reasons why you suck and I don't) (December 5, 2001)
- Focus on students when dealing with diversity (September 12, 2002)
- Reflections on 'real world' (April 27, 2005)
- Day of Innocence ... Lost (September 13, 2001)
- Hussein's death lives within U.S. (January 18, 2007)
by Brenton Martell
Friday, September 28, 2007
I am a thief of souls, a crusher of dreams and a destroyer of life. I emanate a transcendental glow of awesome everywhere I go. People fear, respect and obey me. I am the ultimate source of power and authority on campus. Whatever I say goes, and people like it.
Undoubtedly, this description has given away who I am, a member of the most elite group on campus: sophomores who are living in the dorms for a second year and are not thrilled with the current state of affairs in these residence halls.
Being a sophomore in the dorms, I shouldn’t even feel the need to justify my discontent; I am a powerful supply of cool for crying out loud. So, last year, when everyone else said "Yeah man, I’m moving to an apartment next year." I said, "To hell with that. I want more premade, low-quality meals. I want laundry services in my basement. I want convenience.I don’t do cooking. I don’t do taking care of myself. I have people to do those things for me."
Now to the current state of affairs. Life as a king among peasants in Sellery Hall should be good. It should be really good. All semester though, my Reign of Convenience has been trodden on by a small, but ever-present percentage of freshmen that refuses to adhere to the common sense guidelines for efficiency in the dorms. During the first week or two, I put up with this nonsense with a lighthearted eye roll and a soft, understanding — even sympathetic — smile. But those days are over. It has been a month, and too many people still have not shown any willingness to comply.
The problem I am referring to is the horrific flow of the elevators, day in and day out, morning and night. I fear that if something isn’t said soon, these elevator amateurs could take over. In loving memory of a better time — i.e. last year when the class of 2010 was remarkably more competent in elevator etiquette than the class of 2011 has proven to be, a time when our elevator flow didn't imitate New York City traffic — I intend for this article to serve as a last bastion of hope that by addressing the issue publicly, it might be solved.
The rules are simple. If you enter the elevator first, key your floor, then ask your fellow riders what floors they wish to have keyed. If someone asks for a floor that is directly below a floor you’ve already keyed, respond with something along the lines of “Stuff it” or “Take a hike” or "Could you please walk from the floor that has already been keyed that is directly one floor above yours, which would take you approximately four seconds to walk down, so as to save the rest of us the inconvenience of you implying that your time is incredibly more valuable than ours?"
Walking one floor is not a hardship (but lest I be labeled as prejudiced, I'll state that exceptions can obviously be made for people with physical limitations), and it saves everyone a lot of time and annoyance. Think: If 10 seconds of your time are destroyed every time someone excess-keys a floor, and this happens to you three times a day (this is a very conservative estimate, considering it is not uncommon to see more than one excess-keying during a single ride), you will lose more two hours of your time throughout the year to scum who enjoy squandering your life away. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather spend those two hours basking in the glory of an awesome movie like "Independence Day."
Next, if someone asks you to key a floor one level above yours, such as the ninth floor, and you have already keyed the eighth floor, this is okay as long as no one has already keyed the tenth floor, and as long as it is during a relatively slow part of the day. If a giant mob of people cram into the elevator, keying two floors — such as six and nine in a building with ten floors — can get people from six different floors a spot within one floor of their own to walk from.
As a final tip, if you live on a floor that you can comfortably walk to without significantly raising your heart rate, you probably shouldn’t be taking the elevator in the first place.
Finally, I conclude by begging you to be more courteous when riding the elevators. We all have places to go and things to do, so please be conscious of what you are doing when you get on the elevator by following my tips and your own common sense.
Brenton Martell (martell@wisc.edu) is a sophomore majoring in English.
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 5:02am):
Sophomores still living in dorms are like Bush/Cheney '04 voters.
- Germain Q. Stemme
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 10:50am):
Germain,
Caustic and appropriate simultaneously. Did not think it possible.
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 11:00am):
I'm on the third floor and sometimes I like to take the elevator up from the first floor or the basement. I only do it when it's a slow time of day or when I'm carrying something that is somewhat heavy.
So to those of you on the 9th and 10th floors, don't bitch at me because I feel like taking the elevator once in a while. Thirty-five steps can be a doozie, particularly after an 8:50 class or when returning home at 3 in the morning.
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 12:27pm):
Oh please. You're bitching about elevators? Seriously? This is Cardinal Page Two stuff, man. You've already got the pointless commentary to nowhere down, now where's the cheesy column title?
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 1:16pm):
How do sophomores grow to feel so entitled?
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 2:04pm):
"How do sophomores grow to feel so entitled?"
I thought the whole "sophomores living in the dorms rawk" spiel was pretty obviously intentional irony/him poking fun at himself. If I'm wrong and he was serious about sophomores in the dorms being elite, then that would be sad.
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 2:10pm):
sophomores: make us an escalator for bascom hill out of textbooks and tears.
-seniors
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 2:12pm):
I enjoyed this creative and well-written piece
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 2:30pm):
Dear "Oh, please,"
So what does bitching about someone bitching about elevators make you, oh cheesy one? The column was so obviously tongue-in-cheek (and funny). Perhaps it hit too close to home? Lighten up.
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 3:13pm):
Lol, ya, sophomores who still live in the dorms are really freaking cool.
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 3:52pm):
"Lol, ya, sophomores who still live in the dorms are really freaking cool."
Lol, ya, morons who apparently can't interpret the tone of what they're reading are really freaking cool.
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 4:35pm):
Lol, ya, the Badger Herald needs a good comment meme.
- Germain Q. Stemme
Anonymous (September 28, 2007 @ 8:36pm):
I think this is the most hilarious article I have ever read. I think guys who still live in the dorms are hot (speaking as a woman who chose to move out of sellery last year) I actaully go back to Sellery seaking out these men.
And clearly certain readers of this article who respond with malicious comments, have no sense of humor what so ever.
Anonymous (September 29, 2007 @ 12:53am):
Seriously? C'mon this article is a bigger waste of space than the Herald Comics (oh boy tasteless unoriginal jokes about greeks and women!)
Anonymous (September 29, 2007 @ 12:56am):
Lol, ya, people like Germain Q. Stemme who try to start a meme and can't even follow the format of the previous comments are really freaking cool.
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