Opinion
Liberation of Canada would advance U.S. policy goals
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It is time for America to consider its next step in the war on terror. The removal of tyrannical pro-terrorist governments in Iraq and Afghanistan has proven largely successful. Granted there are some issues, but who could have foreseen the difficulties we would face? Who would have guessed there would be issues with sectarian violence in Iraq or that al-Qaida would, in desperation, turn toward wanton murder of the civilian populace to create instability? Who could have known that leaving densely populated urban areas absent of any authority would lead to widespread looting? How could we have known that our primary source on Iraq's hidden weapons is a lying drunk? Plus, those medical trucks looked a lot like tiny nerve gas labs in grainy satellite photos. The current situation in Iraq is not a crisis, but an opportunity, a learning experience for our future efforts in the war on terror. We therefore purpose the next step in global war on terror be a baby step of the annexation of Canada. Some may find this suggestion perplexing. With more pressing issues to attend to in Iran and Venezuela, why should we annex Canada? The answer is quite logical: Canada is the northern front in the war on terror. Many of the Sept. 11, 2001, hijackers entered the United States through the soft border with our northern neighbor. Currently there is a veritable army of terrorists sheltered just across the border. Sleeper cells and several prominent terrorists lie hidden in Canadian cities buried within various ethnic communities, lying in wait to strike at the heart of America. It is clear we cannot trust Canadians to keep America safe. What better way to secure our unprotected borders than by liberating our northern neighbors? Canada is also a crucial part of the strategic global struggle with China. China has spent the last decade building up its influence across the globe, taking great care to secure global oil supplies. Canada currently possesses the second-largest known global oil reserve in its Alberta province, and with the polar ice caps finally melting, we can expect more oil to flow from the north in the future as new oil fields become accessible. If Canada, America's top oil supplier and soon-to-be fourth-largest oil producer in the world, were to fall into China's camp, America would lose more than 10 percent of its oil imports. We cannot afford to let this happen under any circumstance. An outright invasion of Canada would be ludicrous — you can't just invade another country. We would need a casus belli, a just cause, to justify our actions and rally our populace. Fortunately such circumstances are not hard to invent. Canada, like the United States, has begun to reject liberalism and shift to the right. In recent national elections, liberals were thrown out of office and a conservative government was swept into power in the same way the Republicans gained control in of Congress in 1994. Much like the Midwest, small towns in the Canadian heartland of Alberta, Manitoba and Saskatchewan rejected the corrupt and ingratiating philosophies of liberalism and multiculturalism and voted to express traditional values. In the spirit of the common conservative bond, our two nations could be unified. With support, our Canadian heartland brethren can break the shackles of liberalism for once and for all. This would be accomplished by providing significant financial, organizational, and material backing to strengthen the position of Canadian conservatives. When they have gained sufficient power and popular support, they should be impelled to secede from the liberal elite dominating the country from Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto and Vancouver. Preferably, this would be the first step toward statehood, though an independent Alberta, Manitoba and Saskatchewan loyal to the United States would also be acceptable. If the Canadian government attempted to quash the push for independence, we would be forced to move American troops into Canada and dissolve their government to maintain law and order, incorporating Canada into the United States as a protectorate. In this event it would be best to grant Quebec autonomy, and allow it sovereignty over New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland and other useless parts of the former Canadian nation. While some may find the creation of a Vichy Quebec undesirable in contrast to total annexation, let us pose a simple question. Does the United States need millions of croissant-loving French and Newfies pouring over the border and taking jobs from hard-working Americans? We most certainly think not. There is little question Canadians would greet their Anschluss with open arms and cheers. After all, for decades the Canadian national identity has consisted of nothing more than denying they are American. I believe it is time to relieve them of that burden. Notes on liberation As Senate Republicans are embarrassed about overstating an intelligence report alleging high-level Iranian involvement in arming Iraq's insurgents, we should remind ourselves how we got here in the first place. We treat war as the first option among many, and unfounded rumors put forth by one man had our officials considering military escalation once again. Throughout U.S. and world history, public opinion has operated as a game of brinksmanship. The public gets so fed up with officials in nearly every generation that a constitutional crisis, or revolution, becomes a reasonable long-term possibility. At this point, leaders finally adhere to the public will or get overthrown. But we are optimistic about our political system, and as leaders try desperately to make their schemes work, the clock of public opinion winds down. When it finally does, there is no need for violent action or a coup in America. Our leaders, like the public, are socialized to know when time is up and adhere to popular demands. But if we continue let our military-industrial complex and delusional neo-conservatives manipulate our foreign policy goals with ease, the United States will eventually commit an unforgivable international atrocity. We might even liberate Canada. Monty Rohde (nrohde@badgerherald.com) is an editorial cartoonist and Bassey Etim (betim@badgerherald.com) is the opinion page editor.
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Truth be told, NONE of the 9-11 terrorists came into the USA through Canada - in fact, all of them came in legally without being spotted by USA immigration authorities.
Either you provide proof of your claim on the 9-11 terrorists coming in through Canada, or you now have zero credibility.
Lame. Isn’t satire supposed to be, er, funny?
Keep dreaming of a real journalism gig, guys.
[quote]Many of the Sept. 11, 2001, hijackers entered the United States through the soft border with our northern neighbor. Currently there is a veritable army of terrorists sheltered just across the border. Sleeper cells and several prominent terrorists lie hidden in Canadian cities buried within various ethnic communities, lying in wait to strike at the heart of America. It is clear we cannot trust Canadians to keep America safe. [/quote]
I would truly be interested in knowing where you gotn this gem of military intelligence. Most hijackers had residence visas from the USA AND, got their flight school training in the USA (or at least Cuban controlled Florida). A year after 9/11, someone in Florida received a US visa extension from US immigration - adressed to one of the Saudi 9/11 hijackers.
Oh yeah, the Hijackers, were any Canadians? nope…. pert much all of em came from Saudi Arabia… a valuable US ally in the war on terrorism… AMAAZING
And lastly, while you did discuss the Oil resources Canada provides you with… you forgot to discuss Canada’s hydro resources that are sold to the New England states.
My analysis of your article…… Poor and pittyful…. call it a “fail” and move on.
Georges
Where is this genius getting his info? Calling the Atlantic provinces “useless” when we’ve got the offshore oil. I didn’t even know that I wanted sovereignty, but I guess because some unknown and unheard of American journalist said I do, it must be true insert face with rolling eyes —-> here
The term "Newfie" is considered to be a racist slur against the peoples of Newfoundland and Labrador, we Prefer Newfoundlanders or Labradorians. Please tell me would you be willing to racially slur another group of peoples so easily or nonchalantly? I fully understand that this is satire (supposedly), but when it becomes racist, I have a problem with it. I think you owe the people of Newfoundland and Labrador an apology.
Brian
“Canadian officials are vexed that 3 1/2 years later, they have not dispelled the groundless claim that Canada was a route for the Sept. 11 hijackers. Frank McKenna, the new ambassador to the United States, calls it an “urban myth” and has been trying to beat it down in television interviews and letters to the editor.”
I think the point was that it is an urban myth. I liked this becuage its kinda a example of the ridiculousness of our intelligence services. I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be that funny, i think, just oddly possible.
I am thrilled that someone finally had the balls to write what we were all thinking. Let me be the first to say thankyou. As a Manitoban Canadian I agree with your annexation. I believe that the Liberals in Quebec and Ontario are hold western Canada back. They steal all of my money and send it to the lazy welfare states of Newfoundland, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. When the west is freed from its bond to feed and cloth these fisher men we will finally be free.
God Bless America.
Brett Campbell Winnipeg, MB
Monty, Bassey, I have a better idea: let’s revive the blue state secession issue, secede, join Canada or just become our own country, and just sit back and laugh with glee as the red(neck)states wallow in a national debt that they’ll never be able to pay off. They won’t be able to invade because they can’t afford to. They’ll have to rely on illegals from Mexico to go out into the fields and pick everything they eat. We, on the other hand, will be in control of 80% of North America’s fresh water supply, most of the heavy non-farming industry-not to mention the batter half of the farming industry, the better schools, better health care and live happily ever after.
Sound like a plan? Who’s with me?
First off, this article is a load of steaming crap and everyone knows that.. no need to debate the lack of research or ideas here.
Secondly, Brett Campbell is way off the mark…. Here’s a guy who complains that the east is holding him back because of “liberals”… meanwhile he has a “socialist” government in his province (along with his neighbour Saskatchewan). British Columbia has also had socialist governments on and off for years. I suppose to him those are good conservatives (?!?!)… His province also receives transfer payments (unlike Ontario and Alberta) so according to him that money also goes to support the lazy welfare state of Manitoba (according to him). I guess he’d rather send is money to Utah.
Very well stuck to those who don’t think that this could honestly happen.
Well, I thought it was pretty good. Satire is not appreciated by all people in the same manner. I believe that some of the negative comments, with proper information given to correct some of the ‘urban myths’ related to this incident, are missing the point. Relax, it’s a joke (sort of). I’m surprised the authors didn’t mention the threat posed by Canadian’s themselves. After all, they did burn the Whitehouse and sack Washington.
Wook
This article is a good example of why Canadians (and most of the world) look down on George W Bush’s United States as a land of uncivilized buffonry and deeply unserious people. If you cannot be smart at least be funny.
“My analysis of your article…… Poor and pittyful….”
Yeah Georges, just like your spelling. It’s spelled p-i-t-i-f-u-l, not p-i-t-t-y-f-u-l! Tell me you’re not a college student!
“The term "Newfie" is considered to be a racist slur against the peoples of Newfoundland and Labrador…”
It’s not racist, just offensive. They’re white, like most of the rest of Canada.
um, this is satire. albeit, poorly written.
Good satire draws the ire from those who lack any concept of it, and dismissal from those targeted by it. If something is truly terrible people do not say anything at all.
You guys need to lighten up. As a satire, it’s brilliantly written. The best satire is the most doggedly earnest, the most thought provoking. This is a carefully written slam on Bush’s foreign policy, couched in an absurdist scenario of the ultimate logical ramifications of U.S. foreign policy. It takes the ‘unilateral humanitarian intervention’ philosophy of foreign affairs and applies it to the unlikeliest target in the world.
As a Canadian, I thought this quite funny. Kudos to the authors on duping so many people.
Who is this idiot who wrote this article?
Sorry about those commenting here who are unfamiliar with satire. Excellent use of the slur “Newfie”. Cheers.
Monty Rohde and Bassey Etim must be owners of the BADGER HERALS to have earned a spot for such untrue tripe.
If you plan to badger us again, check your facts or don’t use your names. LOL
John Ish Ishmael Author: US INVASION OF CANADA & ITS ABSORPTION
CHOSEN WORLD - OUR WAR ON ISLAM & OUR OWN FREEDOMS
THE BLACK BUG - THE GENETIC BOMB
POETRY OF LOVE AND PROTEST
view samples of pre-pub version at books.google.com
I know this is supposed to be satire but it’s not funny. Canada jokes are reallllly old.
Yes there are many articles that joke about annexing Canada, but you’re missing the biting irony of the historical analogy. To fully appreciate the article you have to have some historical literacy. There’s actually a little depth here.
To teach that all war is immoral is to deny the absolute values that frame a truly moral life. Arguably, the view of all war as immoral is itself amoral. Whether it is World War II or the first Gulf War, there are wars worth fighting and causes worth dying — and yes, killing — for. The failure of the world to fight in Rwanda and Darfur are, in my view, amoral acts of omission.