OPINION & EDITORIAL
Organic experiences and soap dishes
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Monday, May 5, 2003
Over the past semester, my experience as a weekly columnist has brought out the good (Ned Flanders) and bad (Sideshow Bob) in many people. Also, I have tried to mix up the serious articles and ones dealing with mustard so as to achieve some sort of Zen. As a result, I have become more observant this semester as to the news around me and have been tracking some of the idiosyncrasies of the male and female dialect.
Before I get to today’s topic, I want to apologize to the reader who informed me that silicone udder implants are perfectly legal and nothing to be looked upon strangely.
First, we will start off with some things guys will never say. This statement implies that no men were involved in the making and dispersion of these statements. However, the intelligence of those men affected or within hearing range of the comments may have been impacted.
Throughout the year, I have recorded various statements that, well, guys would never say. This first such one occurred on Valentine’s Day. Rightfully so, it concerned love and affection, but in this case towards an inanimate object.
“I really love your soap dish,” is what she said. What? Although I can see love for inanimate objects like a Pizzazz pizza maker, bobble-head dolls and Jacque Chirac, it is hard to conjure up any affection for something whose sole duty is to contain soap.
The next one came from a friend of a friend, and we’ll just say her name ended in ?essie so as to make it more difficult to be identified. While writing this column, I had the song of “Love at first sight” by Kylie Minogue in my head. Then, as I was going through the compilation of unmanly maxims, this quote and Kylie Minogue seemed to mesh.
“I saw you and then I saw your shoes and I knew I liked you,” said ?essie.
Thought that I was going crazy
Just having one those days yeah
Didn’t know what to do
Then there was your shoes
And everything went from wrong to right
My new shoes gave me a new lease on life
The way I was walking really blew my mind
It was love at first sight
And I went to payless and got me a pair
And soon I was more fashionable than Cher
Comfortable, stylish, you name it, sigh
It was love at first sight
Some may say the mere fact that I can’t get Kylie Minogue out of my head, no pun intended, is a challenge to my manhood. To them I say, no it’s not.
The next one was definitely an emotional moment. It occurred at the season finale (perhaps series finale) of NBC’s television show “Ed.” It was in the closing moments of this episode, when Ed had to choose between which woman he wants to be with, that one of my female friends, with first name ending ?aura, said “I just need someone to hold my hand.” At this request, the other girl in the room, name ending in ?elissa, obliged and the two embraced for a few moments of trepidation.
For me, the only emotional aspect of the episode was realizing the old theme song, “Moment in the Sun,” by Clem Snide, had been replaced by an inferior Foo Fighters song. Don’t get me wrong, I like the Foo Fighters, but if you’ve heard “Moment in the Sun,” then you’d know what I’m talking about.
This is an opportunity for me to relate one of my previous columns to my emotional state at the time of the hand-holding comment. One of my previous columns dealt with mustard, and one of the greatest lyrics sequences of Clem Snide goes as follows:
Don’t be afraid of your anger
I’ll eat it with mustard and wine
And the crumbs in your hair
You should shampoo with care
If it’s tearless, I’m sure it would say.
The last one deals with a debate that I find deeply intellectual and mind riveting. It deals with not judging a person by their cover or apparel. This quote came on April 26, 2003: “Girls who wear white shirts and black bras are trash.”
I have asked some of my friends (guys) this question, and none have said it was trash. In this debate, men seem to take the moral high ground and state that they would never ever, ever, ever, not in a million years, judge a book by its cover, unless it’s PR! By Stewart Ewen, and would act in the same manner toward girls.
The author of the statement said girls who utilize the white-shirt-black-bra combination should know what they look like and that guys don’t look for that in girls. This is contradictory to those I interviewed.
See, it is my philosophy that one must look past the image that clothes project. It is not the clothes that make the girl, but the company and time you spend together. In fact, hair is likely the biggest threat to the image that most women project, not that men care. Here is my advice on that matter:
For those of you needing increased hair volume, use Herbal Essence’s Natural Volume System. At the head of this class is the natural volume texturizing shampoo. Not only does this maximize volume and is perfect for every hair type, it has natural botanicals like Chrysanthemum, Morning Glory and Daisy. From personal experience, if you simply want to look sexy, cross brands and use Tresseme.
When it comes down to it, like, men and women aren’t like all that, like, different, but there are, like, some definite, like, differences that like do stand out. It is my belief that if you let the white-shirt-black-bra conundrum affect your social life, then you might as well be worrying about the style and image of your soap dish. But hey, when it comes to those shoes and love at first sight, just let it all go.
Derek Montgomery (dmontgomery@badgerherald.com) is a sophomore majoring in journalism and political science.
