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Classic Herald Opinion - (Slightly updated) How to write a Herald editorial

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Classic Herald Editorial (slightly updated)

April 1, 1978

We of The Badger Herald editorial board have often been asked, “How do you write all of those wild, wonderful and witty editorials and columns?” Until now this recondite craft has been passed down through the generations from H.L. Mencken, Westbrook Pegler and Joseph Goebbels to us.

However, with the rising tide of conservatism poised to engulf the nation, we no longer feel that secrecy serves any useful purpose. Consequently, we herewith offer some basic rules for the aspiring Herald editorial writer:

1. Try never to write about anyone or anything that you like.

2. Strive to avoid using a noun unless it is modified by at least one adjective.

3. If faced with two possible adjectives, always select the most abusive and vitriolic one.

4. In selecting all words, always seek out the one with the most syllables.

Now that you have mastered these simple rules you are ready to proceed to the sample Herald editorial below. In order to fill in each blank, select one word from those found in the parentheses that follow it.

Well, the (ASM, Bush Administration, filthy Commie scum, Liberal Republicans) are at it again. This time they want to squander our (money, alcohol, sacred bodily fluids) on (increasing student org budgets, investigating drink specials, more bureaucrats) instead of investing it in (more national defense, more and better weapons systems, bigger missiles, more mega tonnage) where it belongs.

For years and years, these (human jackals, bloated poltroons, slimy muckworms, stinking dung beetles) have been trying to (subvert, undermine, destroy) our American (traditions, way of life, culture). The time has come to stand up to these (pixilated, otiose, soughing) (mountebanks, anti-war retreads, useless wads of protoplasm) and tell them to go (back where they came from, take a flying leap, stick their heads in chipmunk holes).

As (Joe McCarthy, Juan Peron, Tiberius Nero) once said, (“Either it will rain today or it will not,” “You cannot win them all,” “A penny saved is a penny earned”), a sentiment which pretty well sums up this whole (prolix, egregious, mendacious)(Agon, Lucubration, vaticination).

This great land of ours has for too long been dominated by these (whining, quivering, sniveling)(subcretins, pecksniffs, poseurs.) If we are not to (slip, slide glissade) into a (mephitic, reeking, odious) hellhole of (bolshevism, one-worlderism, do-good-erism), we must take our stand now and show these (cosseted, cloacal, contemptible) (Caitiffs, canaille, termagants) what real Americans can do.

Not until every one of these (craven, crapulous, cowardly) (toadies, stooges, lickspittles) lies in a pool of (his, her, its, their) own blood can we rest at night.

Readers’ aid: how to reply to Herald edits:

This standardized Herald editorial reply form is provided as a service to those readers who are habitually offended by our editorials. Simply cut this form out, circle the preferred epithets and phrases and send it in. If the respondent wishes s/he may re-write the reply in his/her won cramped/scrawled handwriting. Make sure, if you do so, to include at least five spelling and grammatical errors for that right touch of authenticity.

—To the Herald:

I was (amused, enraged, transmogrified, rendered unconscious) by (Alexander Conant’s, Kristin Wieben’s, James P. Kent’s, Benjamin Thompson’s) (Racist, sexist, revisionist, just plain silly) editorial in last week’s Herald. How can you print such (ignorant, kinky, spenglerian, obtuse) (garbage, flapdoodle, drivel, parrot droppings)? Obviously the writer is suffering from (hyper-paranoia, writer?s cramp, desuetude, penis envy) or he would not write as he does.

Fortunately, I am not sure most (students, Third Worlders, Klingons, of God?s animals) see his (scribblings, scratchings, scrawlings, etchings) for the (vapid, vaporizing, priggish pantomimes, sesquipedalian satirizations, asinine alliterations) that they are.

As for (the writer), I can only say: (“Death to the fascist insect that feeds off the lives of the people,” “Up against the wall, mother,” “go suck an egg,” “Have a nice day”)!

(Sincerely, with regrets, yours untruly, love), (your name)—