Opinion
Sniffing glue with Martha Stewart: A narrative of TV addiction
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Also by Matt Lynch:
- Time for Council to get defiant (April 23, 2003)
- From the eyes of a House Fellow (April 30, 2003)
- The retirement of a columnist (May 7, 2003)
- America's other war less certain (March 26, 2003)
- Wartime propaganda caters to dumbest common denominator (April 2, 2003)
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I’m not afraid to admit that I’m an addict. It just took me until recently to realize it.
I always thought I only did it because I wanted to, because it was fun—sometimes to take my mind off things, sometimes to stimulate my mind. I gave up the good stuff for two reasons: to save money and to force me to quit.
One month later, I haven’t quit and I’ve merely replaced the good stuff with stuff I don’t even enjoy.
My drug of choice—one of the most common in America—is television, and, like many others, I was an addict without even knowing it.
It all started in high school, watching syndicated “Seinfeld” episodes six nights a week and “SportsCenter” every morning. In college, it grew to include CNN, cult classics like “Blind Date” and the entire Comedy Central lineup. I declared class-free holidays when the NCAA men’s basketball tournament season began and marked my calendar when James Bond week on TBS came around.
My addiction was growing and I didn’t even know it. It was just so easy.
I thought quitting would be no problem. When our household funds got low this winter, my roommates and I decided to drop cable to kill two birds with one stone—save money and actually accomplish something in our spare time.
Programming on the “Big Four” networks is generally geared toward a much older demographic than ours; if there were only bad shows on TV, I reasoned, I wouldn’t watch TV at all.
But I didn’t quit. It was like switching from the heroin of cable to sniffing glue with the networks.
Instead of starting every day with Dan Patrick making straight-faced wisecracks on SportsCenter, I watched Al Roker eat a Mediterranean-grilled cheese sandwich on “The Today Show.” Instead of a Rambo movie on TNT, I watched “My Wife and Kids” on ABC. Instead of the sarcasm of Jon Stewart, I watched the senseless annoyance of “Judge Judy.” Hell, yesterday I got home from class and watched Martha Stewart bake dates stuffed with bacon.
I’m a sad case—and what’s even sadder is that I’m not alone. Gallup polls indicate the average person spends three hours a day watching TV—nine whole years of their life if they live to be 75. A study reported in Scientific American has an explanation for this.
According to the study, TV produces effects on the body similar to those of addictive drugs: passivity and a temporary relaxation that leaves quickly after the set is turned off—thus making it hard to turn it off at all. Evidence for this is not hard to find. Is there any explanation for “Becker’s” rating as the 12th most-watched show in the country last week other than its slot following “Everybody Loves Raymond?”
Like other drugs, according to the study, people get less satisfaction the longer they watch and often experience withdrawal symptoms without it. It also numbs the brain after viewing, with passivity lasting long after the set is turned off. The researchers stop short of calling it a clinical addiction, but the symptoms do not lie—television may be the most heavily used non-chemical drug in this country today.
Of course, maybe this isn’t a bad thing. There are definitely more damaging addictions to have, and TV always gives you a reliable set of friends to visit at certain times (I still maintain an intimate relationship with Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer). And, of course, everyone knew at least one radical set of parents growing up that refused to let their children watch TV, only to have these kids grow up more than a little quirky.
But for better or worse, it is an addiction. Whether it’s the pure heroin of cable or the corrosive, choking inhalant of Martha Stewart, I can’t resist it. There might not yet be a federal “War on TV” or treatment centers in the Alaskan wilderness, but you never know. Given the ever-increasing number of available channels and children growing up attached to their sets, we’ll see more evidence of the addiction in years to come, just like more used recliners with permanent butt indentations showing up at antique malls and yard sales.
And mine would be Exhibit A.
Matt Lynch (mlynch@badgerherald.com) is a junior majoring in English, political science and the sociology of Seinfeld.
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