Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

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A modern twist on Tolkien

With the Hobbit movie slated to be ready by this December, I can’t help but feel my inner LOTR geek rear its head as the months fly by. To be honest, it never ceases to amaze me just how few people have actually read the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, especially when considering just how badass Tolkien’s masterfully written stories actually are. So, with all the movie hype, why aren’t everyday people reading the books? I think the answer probably lies the writing style itself. 

It’s not easy to read Old English. Considering that series such as Harry Potter and the Hunger Games’ reading difficulty are just shy of my weekly, 2nd grade, “Look Who’s Reading” pamphlets, maybe Tolkien’s books would get more credit if they were dumbed down and/or changed to resemble more modern, urban speech. Since there aren’t too many kids who can use the “I dunn read gud” excuse at a fine institution such as Madison, I have to assume it must be the difference in language that keeps students from really getting into the books. So, to help everyone get in the LOTR spirit, I’ve translated an excerpt of Tolkien’s “The Return of the King” into a more popular urban vernacular that most students will relate to better. Though there were some difficult translations to be made, the overall plot remains unchanged.

Lahr’s “The Return of the King”

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Pippin woke up soooo hung over he almost puked all over his new threads. “Last night actually turned out to be pretty tight,” he thought. He was getting his sword and shit on when that goddamn wizard came knockin’ on the door again. “For real old man? I thought I told you, I’m ready when I’m ready, gimme five damn minutes Gandalf…” 

Soon as Pip was ready and headed out, he spotted some real evil looking shit out towards Mordor. Gandalf was definitely not tryin’ to get his or Pip’s asses killed, so they figured they’d just try and roll east towards Minas Tirith, which is basically, you know, the main place to be in Gondor. 

Thing is, there was a grip of orcs and other crazy things comin’ from Mordor. Everyone knew they were gunna have some crazy weapons and shit on them that prolly was gunna put some serious hurt on Minas Tirith, so before they left Gandalf was like “Hey yo Aragorn! We’re heading out bro. Just so we’re straight I hope you know I’ma kill you if you’re playin me about those horses you said you was sending our way tomorrow.” 

Aragorn, lookin’ pissed as hell, was like “Chill, bro. My plan’s gunna be bomb as hell, why you hatin’? I got six thousand Rohirrim just chillin’ out back, they just waitin’ to put some serious hurt on those orcs, but you keep gettin’ in my face about it and I’ll tell ’em all the whole things off.” Gandalf looked like he was real upset, but Pip knew he was just actin hard.

So they rolled out, and Pip was glad cuz Rohan smelled soo dank he couldn’t stand it, and not that good kinda dank either. Speaking of which, Gandalf was smoking some greens he’d never heard of, and every time he tried askin’ for a toke, Gandalf would be like “This aint to Longbottom leaf you know, this shit will wreck you if you never smoked it.” Finally the old man gave in and Pip took a hit. Damn was that stuff bomb. For like six hours Pip was thinkin’ that he was riding on top of some bigass white dragon that could talk and laugh and shit, and that he had eyes that could see in the dark, even though it was day. Let me tell you dude, that was the craziest thing he ever smoked, no joke.

When they finally got to Minas Tirith the guy in charge was all pissed cuz Gandalf was late or something and they were about to get beat down by a some huge damn army from Mordor. Gandalf wasn’t having that. He was like “Dude, you want a badass wizard here or not, yo? Me and dis hobbit here don’t gotta be up in yo crib. You keep up that lip and you can try and fight that mofo Sauron on your own. That clear son?” That shut him up real quick. Pip was about to rub it in his face when he heard some loud ass horn. Everyone looked real spooked when they saw those orcs steppin’ all over their turf. Gandalf turned ’round said “Dayum boys, hope all ya’ll brought a fresh pair of underwear and some smokes. This shit’s about to go down for keeps. Ya’ll betta be hopin’ that damn ranger didn’t play us fo’ fools or we all gunna get dusted.”

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