I’m a huge proponent of the
History Channel. Sometimes there’s nothing better after a long day of toiling
over mind-numbingly exhausting classes than sitting down and letting it indulge me with its infinite wisdom without even asking me to
read a few hundred pages for tomorrow after the show ends. Recently, a special
came on regarding the “Greatest Generation” and the
hardship they endured to ensure you and I can shove double cheeseburgers down
our throats while Facebooking until our eyeballs bleed. For those of you who
aren’t too keen on your generational knowledge, if you’re in college right now,
your grandparents were most likely part of the Greatest Generation.
Essentially, most members of this
generation grew up on gruel and pissed in the woods during their childhood in
the Great Depression, saved the world by slaying Nazis and Japanese in WWII and
set up the greatest economic infrastructure the world has ever seen in the
years that followed. I’m pretty sure they invented the missionary position as
well.
Sure, it’s an impressive resume, but what about the other generations,
including us? Why should a few small achievements accomplished 60 years ago by
a bunch of old farts merit the esteemed title of the
“Greatest?”
Our parents and their Baby Boom
generation created and promoted some of the best music ever heard in the ’60s
and ’70s, spearheaded sexual freedom and introduced massive amounts of marijuana
to college campuses across the U.S. These are all luxuries reaped by future
generations (including ourselves), but let’s be honest, none of these
accomplishments merits the title of the Greatest Generation.
Naturally then,
the only feasible other candidate for the title of the greatest generation that
ever lived is none other than our generation. In the following list I have
compiled a number of reasons for the official change from our current title of
the Millennial Generation to the highly envied title of the Greatest
Generation.
Instant Gratification: This is
something I’m sure all generations desired, but only we in the Millennial
Generation have achieved. My parents would tell me that getting what you want
when you want it makes you an impatient asshole. I disagree. Letter writing,
telegraphs and catalog shopping were the sad attempts of prior generations to
do what we have done with the Internet, cell phones and cable TV. If I want a
beer bong shaped like a pink flamingo, a five-pound cheese wheel or a giant
life-sized cutout of Jessica Alba, eBay can assure it will be in my eager
fingertips within days. Plus, who needs to break up with their significant
others through a tear-stained letter when you can just text your heartbreaking
words in half the time? DUH!
Electronic Entertainment: The
only thing more fun than liberating the world one Nazi dog tag at a time is
faking it. I can do everything that my grandpa did on the shores of Normandy
from my couch, late at night, all the while enjoying Taco Bell and a Coke.
Sure, our parents tickled their video-game fancy with “Pong,” but we made the real stuff. Throw in an HDTV and
some surround sound and you’ve got an entertainment experience fit for kings,
pioneered by none other than our thrill-seeking generation.
Music: It’s easy to disregard our
generation’s popular music as inferior to what our parents grew up with, but do
not be deceived. The Millennial Generation has systematically streamlined music
as we know it, incorporating our much-coveted notion of instant gratification
into our music-making process. Don’t have the time to learn how to sing or play
an instrument? No problem. Auto-tune and synthesized drums, strings and
background vocals have sidestepped this issue.
With the leaps and bounds made
in songwriting recently, all you really need is a MacBook, an attractive face
and a slim midsection. Plus, if
you run out of ideas for a catchy melody, you can always go the way of Kid Rock
and just throw together a couple of classic tunes from dead ’70s singers, sing
a couple of lyrics about drunken summer nights and sell it as your own.
We Elected the First Black
President: I know my conservative, veteran grandpa and all of his poker buddies
didn’t vote for Obama. Clearly this alone sets us up as the undisputedly
ethical generation.
