Today’s tough economic times have left business firms in the gutter. With these titans of industry failing, who inherits the earth? Answer: Geeks, nerds, dweebs, whatever you may call them. They are the inquisitive, usually socially inept subpopulation of the world.
This is a fact of life that even the most moronic members of society understand. Geeks are the most important natural resource the world has ever known. Without them gravity would be nothing more than a shitty John Mayer song, and earth would still be flatter than an emaciated Nicole Richie.
As important as geeks are today, they’ve got it rough, thought of as nothing more than that four-eyed square/possible serial killer that breathes really hard behind you in biology class. Well, I’m here to tell you you’re lucky he’s breathing, ’cause some day he’ll solve global warming and cure AIDS in his spare time after a tiring “”World of Warcraft”” binge.
Everyone knows it’s possible to succeed in law or business without using the majority of your brain, and if that’s your slice of pie, fine. Just remember that the DNA sequence in that blood or semen sample and that fancy Palm Pilot you stroke during the night alone in your fancy hotel aren’t being crapped out of thin air by the science fairy.
Why am I coming to the rescue of the outcasts of society you may ask? Well, for one, I’m a dork, and though maybe not right up there with Steve Urkel and Billy Gates (wish I were), it’s important to look out for your own kind… something I’ve been doing since accepting my place in society, which happened fairly recently, in fact. Cue the spiraling memory scene.
It was a regular, quiet Saturday night for me. I’d just finished fixing my Xbox 360 motherboard for the zillionth time… honestly, Microsoft. I’ll be damned if I’m going to shell out shipping and handling so a few “technicians,” as they call them, can try their best to “fix” their shitty products just so it can break again on me. Besides, there’s no way I’m waiting a friggin’ month and a half to pwn n00blets in “Modern Warfare.”
We’ve got a saying in our apartment that I definitely didn’t just make up for this article, “The n00bs we shall pwn, ’til the cows they come home.” I was just finishing up some organic chemistry before sitting down with one of Tolkien’s lesser known works,”The Silmarillion” (quite the read, actually, if you’re into that sort of thing. I’m sure you aren’t. I’ve read it three times.).
So there I was, half-assedly using some retrosynthetic analysis to create alcohols from various carbon-based reagents. God, there’s just something about O-chem that really revs my engines on the weekend. Anyway, once I successfully synthesized my favorite alcohol, ethanol (you know… BEEEER), I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself at the infamous volatile, colorless liquid for the countless acts of sheer stupidity it has coaxed out of both me and my German/Irish ancestors. In fact, it was because of a night full of ethanol-induced tomfoolery that I was taking that particular Saturday off, a rare occurrence to say the least. Well, anyways, it was on that fateful night, as I cracked open the pages of wholesome Middle Earth lore, that I had an epiphany.
As I paged through one of my favorite chapters involving a couple of elves, the dark lord and one badass dragon, it hit me. “My God,” I thought to myself, “Am I a geek?” I set my novel aside (I never drop books), as my inner nerd and all of the memories tied with it began to flash before my eyes in all their glory. Transformers, the Ninja Turtles, comic books, Zelda, “Star Trek,” “Super-Smash Bros.,” Obi Wan Kenobi, “LOTR,” a little playful hacking here and there, “Halo”… you get the idea. I’m pretty sure I read every Harry Potter straight through without rest, even the ones that ended up sucking, which turned out to be quite a few, as ashamed as I am to admit it.
Do I try to hide this from the world? Is geekdom something to be insecure about? The answer is a resounding no.
Why, you may ask? Because firstly, if you’re a geek you already don’t give a shit about what people think. Another reason being a geek is jive that not many know about is they’re absolutely slay with the women.
You’d be surprised how quickly even the most well-educated sorority girls will fall under your spell with the use of a few charming words with more than three or four syllables. (“Ohm’gosh yer sooooo smart!”) Chalk one up for the pencil pushers.
By now if you’ve read this far you’re either hopelessly lost in class, semi-illiterate or, in the most likely case, you probably are in fact a geek, and I applaud you for that. Shots and “Star Trek” at my place this weekend. Let’s get drunk and speak in Klingon. Kirk out.
