Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

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Under-appreciated superheroes fed-up, unionize

As of last evening, it seems now it’s clearly evident that even superheroes are not immune from one of humanities most menacing qualities; envy. In a strikingly bold move, Robin, boy wonder, arguably the nation’s most popular sidekick, defected from his daily duties of shining Batman’s utility belt and vacuuming the Bat Cave in an attempt to persuade the nation’s most neglected superheroes to unionize. A somber Batman, wiping tears aside with his cape, addressed the nation early this morning as the story broke.

“I don’t know what to think right now, The Boy Wonder just up and left! Sure, we had a small argument about his desire for less confining underpants, but it was nothing out of the ordinary…he didn’t even say goodbye!”

Without the power of flight or super-speed, it took Robin all night to gather the dregs of the American Superhero community. Aside from self appointed union-leader Robin, the “better-known” members of the freshly created “Undervalued Superheroes of America” union (or USAU) include Aquaman, the Green Lantern, Cat Woman, Captain America, the Human Torch and of course the world’s favorite blind superhero, Daredevil. Unfortunately, none of the heroes had a sanctuary of adequate space for the union’s use, save for Aquaman, whose abode unfortunately lies in the middle of the Pacific. As a result, the desperate heroes were left with Robin’s “Plan B,” which consisted of forcibly removing the employees of a seldom-visited Denny’s Restaurant in rural Idaho.

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Just recently, the USAU allowed a local reporter into Denny’s to discuss their demands of the public over some clearly burned hash browns, courtesy of the Human Torch’s heavy-handed cooking style. Local reporter Carl Flatsworth, found himself thrown into the mess during his morning jog. He grudgingly took down the reject-heroes’ biddings, quite sure that the general public gave just about as much of a rat’s ass as he did on the subject. The following are a few of the more legible testimonials taken, clearly jotted down haphazardly on a few stray napkins.

Daredevil

Was obviously distraught over losing what little popularity he had after the 2003 motion picture “Daredevil” tanked. Though he was somewhat glad that he didn’t actually have to “see” the movie, his ears were all he needed to classify the movie as “Absolute Horseshit”. His demands include that a new movie be made, one without Ben Affleck, even in a supporting role.

Cat Woman

Basically had the same demands as Daredevil, albeit substituting in Halle Berry for Ben Affleck where appropriate. Also, a lifetime supply of Friskies premium cat food, threatening that if she’s not fully fed in one day’s time, “the world will pay dearly at the might of her superpowers”, though no one is quite sure how she will achieve this, or what her powers even are.

Captain America

Is just plain bored of the relative peace today, and would like the United States to be “kicking more ass” abroad, with him leading the charge. With little use for him after his top secret “super-soldier” injection he received during the Second World War and Hitler long dead, he’s really been itching for some liberation. America added, “I mean come one! With Kim Jong Il finally six feet under, now is the time to strike….I say we send those commies a couple of high-altitude bombers to drop some highly concentrated and very explosive freedom on their asses…U-S-A, U-S-A! He also added that if this were not an option that the government need only to “drop me in the fray, then stand back and watch the magic happen.”

Robin

Had a laundry list of demands, including the desire to be named after a much less “goddamn unexceptional” bird. His top choices include “anything but that orange-bellied, suburban, disgrace of evolution”. Also, though both he and his more well-known partner-in-crime -busting do not actually have superpowers, he’d like to be known for more than his tight “man-panties” and “mildly-humorous tag-lines”. “Oh, and screw Superman”, he added. “Boy I’d sure like to feed him a kryptonite slushy.” Holy mutiny, Batman!

Aquaman

Would finally like the chance to publicly challenge the beloved Michael Phelps to a race, freestyle across the Atlantic, and butterfly back. He also expressed his interest in the ability to communicate with “Anything but fucking fish, please.”

Now all we can do is wait. Will the outcry of these failed attempts at revenue be heard, or will Robin go the way of the Dodo? Only time will tell, and unfortunately, not even the most pampered superheroes have that ability.

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