It’s homecoming weekend, which means thousands of adults, all former Badgers, are currently flocking into town. Many of these people will be in the midst of crippling midlife crises, and they’ll want to relive their glory days by joining your party or tailgate. We, the Badger Herald arts writers, have compiled ten songs that you should absolutely NOT play when these (maybe your) parents and owners of sensitive ears come into town.
Mickey Avalon – “What Do Ya Say?”
This song is the epitome of why (the majority of) people above the age of 40 hate rap. I’m just making a guess. It covers everything: Nasty bitches, male genitalia, drugs, blowjobs, penis pumps, a charming reference to the birds and bees. It rhymes panache and ‘stache. It’s from “The Hangover” soundtrack. It’s derogative and disgusting and sophomoric. It includes a little ice cream truck jingle in the background to be ironic, I guess. It’s sitting in my iTunes library, and I’m waiting for the ill-fated moment it plays on shuffle at a holiday dinner party. That’ll be the day. —Lexy Brodt
Tyler, the Creator – “Radicals”
I can’t really imagine a phrase that would have mom and dad send you to a psychiatrist quicker than “Kill people / Burn shit / Fuck school!” In fact, I can’t really think of situation where blasting Tyler’s “Radicals” would be met with anything less than sheer horror. There isn’t an artist who epitomizes anti-establishment better than Tyler. “Radicals” is his best illustration of the horrorcore genre, and listening to it would surely make mom faint and stop dad’s heart. Sorry, mom and dad, but “I’m fuckin’ radical / I’m mothafuckin’ radical.” Maybe they’ll understand … but probably not. —Jake Rickun
Eminem feat. Obie Trice – “Drips”
One time in high school, I was playing this song full-blast in my friend’s garage. His mom walked through the door right as Obie Trice spit the line, “Pussy residue was on my penis.” It was extremely embarrassing. There’s really no way to dig your way out of that hole, because the rest of the song is similarly profane: Obie and Eminem shame “bitches” for giving them STDs (hence the “drips” coming from their penises), all while describing in graphic detail their sexual exploits. Key line: “She foaming at the lips, the ones between the hips / Pubic hair’s looking like some sour cream dip / Without the nacho, my dick hit the spot though.” Yeah. —Erik Sateren
Eminem – “Shake That”
My mother would be very disappointed if she knew I pride myself on knowing all the lyrics to this song; I can’t imagine what Eminem’s mother must think of it. We should all do our duty as good children and ensure that parents across the board remain oblivious of this explicit tune. It will only worry their gentle hearts. When we have kids, we can only pray they will never understand what Eminem and Nate Dogg are talking about. —Laura Schmitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD592Gmy6Jo
Beyoncé – “Blow”
Don’t be fooled by the track’s jazzy and funky intro. This is no Norah Jones ballad about chivalric romance or painting in solidarity. This track is about cunnilingis, detailed in painstakingly explicit terms. If the deep, sultry moans don’t signal that this is not one to listen to with the parents, then the chorus should do the trick: “Can you eat my skittles / It’s the sweetest in the middle / Pink is the flavor / Solve the riddle.” And if that does make your mom blush, the last bridge repeats “Turn my cherry out,” several times. Yass Yoncé. —Selena Handler
Lil Jon feat. Ice Cube – “Real Nigga Roll Call”
With a chorus of “Muthafuck that nigga, muthafuck that bitch” repeated ad nauseum, this song probably wins the award for Most N-Words in a Five-Minute Song. It’s hypnotically disgusting, moronically profane. Never play this song in public. You will end up offending someone. —Erik Sateren
Three 6 Mafia – “Slob on my Nob”
The title leaves little to the imagination. With a minimal beat, this Three 6 Mafia track is basically an ode to fellatio. The hook of this delightful, family-friendly track is “Suck a nigga dick or something.” Creative. Even if you aren’t with your parents, I can’t recommend this highly unimaginative and dull blowjob ballad. —Selena Handler
Ty Dolla $ign feat. Wiz Khalifa, The Weeknd, DJ Mustard – “Or Nah”
If any four minutes of audio could prevent your mother from looking you in the eye for months, this would be it. Wiz, The Weeknd and Ty$ have churned out a 250-second ode to threesomes, sitting on faces and generally anything related to fornication.
Best line for bringing dad to tears: “Can you let me stretch that pussy out or nah?” —Aaron Hathaway
Rick Ross feat. Gucci Mane – “MC Hammer”
Don’t let the title convince your mom into thinking this might have anything to do with hammer pants and refraining from touching this. Maybach mogul Ricky Rozay is unapologetic regarding his roles in the drug hustle as well as having sex with your girlfriend. Showboating his prowess with women as well as his bankroll, Ross drops unapologetically hedonistic rhymes in this tune that would make your grandmother vomit and your aunt move to a different state. Also features 1017 Brick Squad headliner Gucci Mane. Free Gucci.
Best line for bringing dad to tears: “My baddest bitch is Latin but they call me loco / till I fuck ’em in the ass out in Acapulco.” —Aaron Hathaway
A$AP Ferg – “Dump Dump”
Cocaine, anal sex, infidelity and gun violence. Breakfast of champions, if you’re A$AP Ferg. While the real moral of the story is that Ferg fucked your bitch, he manages to throw in a whole lot of other goodies that would make a nun have a stroke. Play it on a family road trip and see how quickly you’re put in a foster home!
Best line for bringing dad to tears: Just listen to the chorus. —Aaron Hathaway
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8hzJpeRLG0
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