Here at The Badger Herald office, we put in long hours producing some of the finest journalism on this side of the Mississippi in the 608 area code. As such, sometimes we need to unwind a little bit in the form of hot, steamy sex. It’s our opinion that the moans and wet, slapping sounds of coitus are generally the best soundtrack to a love-making experience. Oftentimes, music detracts from the natural ambiance of the sexual unity between two or more people. We took it upon ourselves to find the fuck jams that actually enhance this natural ambiance. Because if those wet, slapping sounds are punctuated by the high-pitched wails of Prince’s falsetto, orgasms become 100 times more powerful. It’s basic science. Put this playlist on next time you decide to venture into the cosmic wonder of our collective sensual universe. 😉

BJ the Chicago Kid – “Sex is the Best Breakfast”

With a lumbering beat that sets a proper tempo for thrusting, BJ the Chicago Kid wails passionate lyrics like, “In the morning, I wanna lick my lips and still taste you babe.” A bone zone ballad for the ages, “Sex is the Best Breakfast” is scientifically proven to increase the amount of smashing going on between you and your consenting partner by 3,000 percent. Test it. —Aaron Hathaway

Bruce Springsteen – “I’m On Fire”

One of my favorite Springsteen songs and probably one of my all-time favorite songs, “I’m On Fire” is a slow-burning testament to sexual frustration rendered with masterful restraint. Distinctly 80s-sounding synths and an ascending chord progression slowly build tension, and while the Boss sounds cool and composed, he is given away by the lyrics, which brim with emotion. The song begs for a (musical) climax, but instead simmers just beneath the surface, smooth and sexy. I recommend putting it on repeat. —Nathaniel Scharping

Beyoncé – “Partition”

Yeah, this is the first of three Beyoncé songs in this 10-song playlist. If there weren’t this many, the playlist would be egregiously under-representative of the total number of fuck jams Beyoncé has contributed to the list of All Fuck Jams Ever Created. This song is about giving Jay Z a BJ in the back of a limo, and it features the line, “He Monica Lewinsky-ed all on my gown.” This song could make a person without pores perspire profusely. —Erik Sateren

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifkBc6Vcep8

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Beyoncé – “Rocket”

This song is basically a sexual experience in itself. You’ll want to change your undies after listening to this one. Also, quick tip: Set this song as your alarm so you can wake up Beyoncé singing, “Let me sit this assssssss … on ya,” every morning. Breakfast of champions. —Erik Sateren

Beyoncé feat. Jay Z – “Drunk in Love”

This song is just straight-up hot. For one, it’s the greatest celebrity couple of all time singing about not being able to keep their hands off each other. It also has a melody and beat that makes you feel sexy. If you’re hanging out with your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush and this song comes on, the likelihood of something going down between you two increases by at least 60 percent. If you listen to “Drunk in Love” while hooking up with someone, are you two Beyoncé and Jay Z? The answer is yes, so go for it. —Laura Schmitt

Quincy Jones – “Body Heat”/Ludacris “What’s Your Fantasy”

There are some classic artists when it comes to baby-making music. Isaac Hayes and Luther Vandross come to mind immediately. I find myself struggling between the slow jams of classic eras and the more recent impersonal sex anthems of The Weeknd, Trey Songz and Usher’s “Love in This Club.” It really depends on the mood. If the mood is a little more sensual and personal, then Quincy Jones’ “Body Heat” is the way to go. However, if you’re just going to go wild and have fun, there is no substitute for Ludacris’ “What’s Your Fantasy.” Never play the latter when your mom is in the car, by the way. —Louis Johnson

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Prince – “Purple Rain”

Probably the most sensual ballad ever written by the Most Sexual Man in the World, “Purple Rain” is what God envisioned the sounds of sex to be when (s)he created the universe in seven days. I’ve always thought of “purple rain” as a euphemism for Prince’s semen, which I’ve always assumed to be purple. The “rain” conveys the scene of Prince standing on a balcony in his home on the shores of Lake Minnetonka, letting his semen rain down upon the naked bodies of his many proteges below. Yeah. —Erik Sateren

Pharrell feat. Daft Punk – “Gust of Wind”

You know, having this song be my choice feels rather tacky. But that’s OK, because anything you could say while getting it on might somewhat be inherently tacky. The key in this song is the running strings in the background, which even when I listen to them on any random occasion, get my heart beating. Both running, both excited. —Evan Conley

Flight of the Conchords – “Business Time”

A good song for the sex. —Nick Lashock

Badger Herald arts writers pick the best songs to study to