Whelp, that’s all for us folks! Seeing as all three of us are graduating, The Badger Herald will be in need of some brand-spankin’-new sex columnists. Think you’ve got what it takes to dish out blunt sex and relationships advice to the Badgers of UW-Madison? E-mail email@example.com today!
If you are a guy, are there any things you can do in preparation for or during sex to make it last longer?
Elizabeth Taylor-Shiro: Some of my best orgasms have happened after fucking for less than five minutes — which I’m sure is the case for a lot of people — yet men still feel insecure when they don’t have the ability to last long. Nonetheless, I have a few tips.
First, practice makes perfect. When you’re going at it solo, help yourself get to that point where you feel like you’re about to orgasm, but then slow it back down and repeat. You can try timing yourself when you masturbate and each time after, try to hold off for an additional 10 seconds or more.
Second, if you don’t have time for a lot of practice, the next time you find yourself getting it on with someone and you feel like you’re about to orgasm, slow down the pace and find another way to pleasure them, such as rubbing their clit or perineum with the tip of your penis.
Finally, increase your confidence in yourself and know that pleasure doesn’t have a time limit.
What’s the best way to go about having an office relationship or should they be avoided?
Sam Johnson: This is a tough one for me to answer. I’ve successfully navigated an interoffice relationship, but I’ve also watched quite a few crash and burn. It’s natural to be drawn to the partner pool available by the water cooler. Hate to the burst the bubble of die-hard believers of soul mates, but most of attraction is about the law of proximity. Ask yourself if you’re truly madly deeply into the person or if it’s just prolonged exposure doing its magic.
Anticipate a plan for the break-up. Because unless you REALLY ARE soul mates, you will eventually break up and it will likely be uncomfortable. Do not become one of those whiners who gossips and complains about how things are just so awkward now that you guys broke up and still have to see each other because, uh, what did you expect?
If you do proceed, set two boundaries. First, try your best to not bring work, and especially work arguments, into the bedroom. Of course, you can’t avoid talking about work, and that’s fine. But if it’s your main source of substance, you’re just co-workers who boink, not partners. Second, don’t bring remnants of your bedroom life into work life. In fact, restraining yourself and attempting to conceal all signs that you just want to leap across the conference table and jump their bones can feel super hot.
How do you tell a guy that his junk tastes really bad and to please clean up before coming over?
Katherine Harrill: I say you bluntly tell him he can cross blowjobs off his list until he learns to wash properly. You always hear jokes about vaginas tasting or smelling fishy, but gentlemen, your junk can get pretty rancid as well. So, men: Us women expect you to give two fucks about hygiene before inviting us to your bedroom. The fact is, no one should have to deal with such nastiness when going down, so if you plan on getting oral, take some steps to ensure your partner’s comfort. The simplest way to deal with this is to excuse yourself and wash up quickly in the bathroom. Wash the length of your penis with warm water and mild soap and then soap up your testicles and pubes. Most of the smell comes from the sweat the accumulates within the hair growing around your testicles, so really clean every nook and cranny. Furthermore, if you are uncircumcised make sure to pull back your foreskin and clean underneath in order to remove any built-up smegma. Additionally, take these steps every day in the shower. Not only will your partners be grateful, but the amount of oral you get will probably increase as well.
How can I incorporate food in the bedroom?
ET: It really depends on what kind of food you’re trying to bring into the bedroom, but I would recommend starting out with something not too risque and easy to clean up. My favorite sexy time treats are whip cream and honey. It’s not about creating body art, so remember to start out with little amounts. You can start out in relatively PG spots, such as a drizzle of honey on the lips or neckline. Work your way down to nickel-sized whip cream dots on the nipples. Once you are more comfortable, you can start using these treats to make trails of where you want your partner’s mouth to be and incorporating a variety of fun foods: strawberries, ice cream, caramel, etc.
What’s the most unpleasant consensual sex experience you’ve ever had?
SJ: I can safely say that all of the unpleasant sex I’ve ever had shares one common denominator: The person didn’t feel comfortable engaging in explicit sex talk. My biggest turn off and pet peeve is when fuck buddies talk about sex in a cryptic, coded language of euphemisms. If you’re embarrassed to say it, I feel embarrassed to do it with you.
How do you ask someone to do FWB with you?
KH: Friends with benefits: one of the most ideal relationships for busy college students who don’t want to be tied down but also want an outlet for tension during finals. The first question to ask is: Do you think the other person is interested? This is obviously important for FWB. Do you two flirt or joke about hooking up? Maybe hint about being interested in finding a FWB and see how they react. If they react negatively, this may not be person for such a relationship. If their ears perk up, keep pushing to measure their interest.
Once you’ve determined if this person wants to fuck you, just ask, “Hey, want to fuck in a completely no-strings-attached way while still hanging out as friends?” There’s no harm in broadcasting your interest, so go for it. Just be explicit with the rules. Is there a time frame for hooking up? Is it a one time thing? Are you open to it moving further one day? Rules are what keep any relationship setup alive. The nontraditional ones have to have a real conversation instead of traditional monogamous relationships that can simply rely on the existing rules society has created. So if you are FWB, poly, in an open relationship or anything beyond monogamy, just do yourself a favor and have the conversation about boundaries with your clothes on before the fucking commences. Best of luck to you and whatever type of relationship works best.
That’s all we have for you all. We’ve loved having the opportunity to answer your questions over the years. To our fellow graduating seniors, we wish you luck in all your future endeavors. To the rest of y’all, get your butts back here next year and show the new Hump Day writers some love. There’s nothing left to say, dear Badgers, except: Stay safe and stay sexy.