Hey, kids. Mama’s in a time crunch and feeling snarky, so here’s your quick and dirty guide to some commonly asked and LOL-worthy sex inquiries. These are straight from the Badger’s mouth, as I literally pulled out a couple handfuls from the big ol’ bag of questions. Enjoy!
What’s the best technique to eat out a girl?
Find the clitoris and lick it the way she likes it.
Why does it take some women longer to reach an orgasm?
Because each woman is a different, unique snowflake with her own thoughts, desires and preferences — just like men.
How do you find out what your partner really wants in bed?
Ask and listen. It helps to be a nonjudgmental person in general too, so they’ll get the impression you’re an OK person to share their deepest, darkest, kinkiest, most sadistic desires with.
What if when you ask someone what they want in bed they say, “I don’t know.”
Read previous question and answer, repeat. Patience, young Padawan.
Can two people rape each other simultaneously?
How drunk is too drunk to have sex with someone?
If you wouldn’t give them the keys to your car to drive you home, don’t have sex with them. Also, if your internal monologue is “Score! Here’s my chance to get laid!” don’t have sex with them.
Is it true that some people get nipple orgasms?
Yessiree. I can cum just from getting my ankles sucked on!
Why would anyone want their hair pulled?
‘Cause some people like the way it feels! It personally makes me feel like I’m a horse with my reigns being tugged on, but you don’t see me yucking any yums.
What if a guy can’t keep it up or finishes too quickly?
Make out really hard, suck on their nipples, grind your genitals against their body, cum while they watch, give them a shoulder rub, catch up on “New Girl,” share a fantasy or try blowing on it.
How do you politely tell your partner to freshen up their junk?
Take a shower together and suds them up. They’ll never know.
Why do people like spanking?
Because it looks, sounds and feels fucking hot.
Why do they make flavored condoms? It’s not like you get a BJ with a condom on.
Um, some people who prefer not to get herpes do!
Are three-ways safe?
As long as none of the partakers are serial killers. Condoms and communication help too.
Does dressing up help with sexual pleasure?
Yeah, looking hot can make you feel hot.
If you make yourself orgasm is it harder for your partner to?
It shouldn’t be. Actually, knowing what you like is an important first step to letting your partner in on your secret combo to O.
What’s a good way to change it up when you give a BJ?
Use your hands, add more spit, swirl your tongue, blindfold them and tie their hands behind their back, add suction, add eye contact, say something dirty.
How do you prep for anal sex?
Take a shit and wipe real good.
Do boys like to have their balls fondled?
Some do. Again, you gotta ask.
Is it bad to orgasm every day?
Absolutely not, it’s actually recommended.
How do you tell if a girl is faking?
A real orgasm involves involuntary muscle spasms, the booty and vag hole squeezing in and out and puffy, swollen looking genitals.
Are there any sex toys that focus on the head of the penis?
Yes. Google “man eaters vibrator.”
Can my butt get big from anal sex?
Only if you go to pound down very often with an anal annihilator. The sphincter’s a pretty durable muscle but pink socking is a real thing that can happen from constant, rough anal.
How good are condoms against pregnancy?
More than 98 percent effective if you use them correctly and every time you have sex, but most people don’t do either of these things.
What is the average age that people lose their virginity?
Seventeen, according to the Kinsey Institute.
Why do some girls shit during or after anal?
Because the butthole is where poop comes from, duh.
How can I have a better orgasm without putting my fingers in my butt?
Great question. Just push on your taint.
Is there a certain type of condom better for pleasure?
ONE Condom’s Pleasure Plus is getting great reviews. Extra head room.
Which is better, the male or female orgasm?
I’m biased, and I say female. But prostate orgasms in dudes are pretty comparable, so I’ve heard.
Have you ever used a flavored dildo?
No, but it sounds delicious.
Hypothetically, if my right testicle has been hurting, what STD could I have?
Hypothetically, you should be seen by a doctor.
Is it normal to masturbate with or to food?
Is it normal to masturbate to interracial cuckold cartoons? I don’t know, man —these are life’s big questions! Here you go, have fun. You’re welcome.
If you are on the pill, but you are on the placebo and you have sex, do you need a condom?
Only if you’re concerned about Sexually Transmitted Infections.
What’s the best way to make females achieve orgasm faster?
Find the clitoris. Learn how your lady likes it to be touched. Either that or ask her to show you her bathtub faucet trick.
My friend is straight. How do I get a chance to sleep with him? Beer?
No, that’s illegal.