‘Tearing’ through porn, pre-coital Plan B

Happy Hump Day, readers! You all had lots of questions this week, so let’s just get right down to it, shall we?

Last time I had sex with one of my guy friends, he ripped my perineum bad enough that I bled for about two days and it was about a week before I could go to the bathroom without excruciating pain. He’s fairly well endowed, but it hasn’t caused any problems before and the sex wasn’t particularly rough, though we were both drunk. It looks all healed up now, but it was pretty terrifying. Is there any connection between what position we have sex in and this type of injury? Am I more at risk for this happening again and is there anything I should be concerned about?

First things first: GO TO THE DOCTOR. Like, now. Yesterday. Go to uhs.wisc.edu, click on the yellow “Log in to MyUHS” and make an appointment. Actually, if you’re still in pain I would call them. The physicians there will take a look for free and likely be able to set you up with any treatment that is needed or refer you to a specialist.

What concerns me is that scar tissue down there is not as strong as regular skin tissue, so there may be a risk for another injury if care is not taken. For now, avoid penetrative sex until you speak with a doctor.

The thing that baffles me is how this happened! Many women go through childbirth without tearing that wee gap of skin between the butthole and the vaginal opening, and I doubt this dude’s dick is larger in circumference than a newborn’s head. Perineum irritation or soreness is quite common after rough, “well-endowed” or uniquely-angled sex, but I have never heard of a case of torn taints from a particular position.

Here’s the thing about drunk sex: whiskey dick is not the only side effect. Intoxication is a common cause of vaginal dryness. And guess what vaginal dryness is a common cause of. You got it, vaginal cuts.

So when you do get back up on that horse, promise me you’ll use lube! The wetter the sex, the better the sex, I always say! There seems to be some weird stigma about people with vaginas using lube, as if we’re all supposed to be able to produce gushing waterfalls of liquid silk at a moment’s notice. No amount of pussy juice will get you wet like a tried-and-true squirt of lube. I suggest using silicone-based lube for long-lasting sessions. Squirt some on Mr. Well Endowed and apply some to yourself, too. Or, try extra-lubricated condoms. You can even add a drop or two of more lube inside of the condom to make it extra slippery. You can find these supplies and more in the Sex Out Loud office in the Student Activities Center, all for free.

I was borrowing my girlfriend’s computer the other day to do some research for a paper, and I saw she had male porn in her web history. What the hell!? Why in the world would she be watching gay porn? Is this some kind of weird fetish?

It’s probably not a fetish. You see, sexuality and sexual desire is complex and fluid. And gay porn tends to be very visually stimulating, what with all the big, hard dicks. No matter what gender theorists say, ladies get turned on by seeing naked bodies, too. Male physical arousal is so much more, eh hem, external than female arousal, which can be delectably titillating to bear witness to. True, the focus of the porn camera lens is often on the tits and ass of the female physique, but why do you think porn meant for the straight male viewer is full of monstrously large cocks? Just because she may watch gay male porn does not mean she wants to be a dude fucking another dude. Do you want to act out every fantasy you see on the computer screen?

I read on the UW-Madison confessions some girl takes Plan B every Saturday before she goes out because “better safe than sorry.” Does this work?

Work, as in prevent pregnancy? Yeah, it could. Plan B works by preventing the ovaries from releasing an egg and making it difficult for the little spermies to swim to reach the egg if one has already been popped out. So, if someone pops the Plan B pill right before having sex, the hormones could start their magic right then and there.

Work, as in actually being a good method of birth control? No. And this is further evidence many of the UW Confessions are just made-up  hooey for entertainment purposes only.

First, Plan B is hella expensive, upwards of $65 depending on where you get it. Adding up a pill for every weekend will cost much more than other forms of birth control. Second, many women experience unpleasant symptoms from taking emergency contraception, like nausea, headaches, breast tenderness and dizziness. What a way to put a damper on that Saturday night. Plus, taking Plan B over and over again can really screw up your menstrual cycle.

Point is, there are much safer, more convenient and cheaper ways of avoiding babies. The patch, ring, injection and IUD are all “party ready” and do not require a sober state of mind to remember to take them.

It’s called Plan B for a reason, folks!

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