Hump Day tackles grunts, groans, and too few moans

Good day, Hump Day readers! The weather is getting chilly and you know what that means. Snuggle season! Ever wonder why there are so many spring babies? Stop by the Sex Out Loud office to check out the Snuggie Sutra from our library from some extra cozy sex position ideas and you might find out.

This week’s topic is sex noises.

My roommates have passive-aggressively asked me not to have sex so loudly in the apartment. But I’m like, where else am I supposed to do it then? Help! 

Oooh, this is a tough one. I can definitely see where your roommates are coming from. Everyone should have the right to fall asleep soundly without the sounds of his or her BFF mashing genitals until sex fluids ooze out creeping into their dreams. But at the same time, privacy is a hot commodity and, depending on how many people you live with, you’re not always going to be guaranteed to have alone time. 

It is true that public sex, like sex in common shower areas or atop Abe Lincoln on Bascom Hill, is not okay. All of the people who may see, hear or otherwise witness you getting some head in the library stacks did not consent to getting a preview of your sex life, right? Roommates make things more complicated though. 

I personally think that agreeing to live with other people involves both a legal and social contract. To live with people is to experience them at their most intimate and accept their quirks and oddities — doing dishes at 1 a.m. in the morning, hearing the echoes of bathroom noises, tripping over shoes occasionally, etc. Chances are they live their lives differently than you do yours and vice versa, but we learn to accept differences because that’s the price of reduced rent. And I realize I may have a different view than most people, but when I hear my roommates having sex, I send over an ESP high five, not shame and disdain. 

Your bedroom is already the most private space in the world for you to have sex, so it’s not as if you can go somewhere else. That being said, of course, to the best of your ability, try to plan sexytime when others are out. Swap schedules with your roommates and see if there’s any possible slots for you and your boo to let loose. If that’s not possible and you live in a house or apartment, shower sex could be an option. Although it won’t completely cloak the noise, running water is great for muffling sounds. 

Another hot thing to try could be the “quiet game” — also a great trick for babysitting children that irritate you. Challenge yourselves to not make a peep, no matter how your body is feeling. The restraint of not being able to contain yourself and the naughtiness of not being able to break a set rule can add a whole ‘nother layer. Last, could you try piping it down a bit? I don’t know what your romp sessions sounds like, but porn star squeals are definitely not necessary and can in fact be off-putting. Try to listen to the sounds of your lovemaking next time — is every gasp authentic and in response to a stimulation? If not, like the unnecessarily fluff words in paper assignments, cut it out!

I’m having the best sex of my life right now aside from the fact he’s silent in the sack. Dirty talk is a huge turn on for me or at least some vocal signs he’s into it. I thought he would follow my lead but maybe he’s still shy. What do I do!?

Oh gee, quite the opposite issue! Well that’s awkward. Sort of reminds me of that classic scene in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” where the silent woman under the sensuous, brooding body of Jason Segel’s thrusts unenthusiastically says, “I just came.” Anyone? Is it just me who finds Jason Segel attractive? 

Anyway … have you been able to express what a turn on dirty talk is for you? Most partners are willing to please within their comfort zone, so he may just need to be let in the loop on your kinks! Otherwise, you may be able to use your own dirty talk to illicit responses from him. Instead of making statements, turn your pillow talk into questions: “How does that feel?”;  “Do you like it when I suck/tease/grind on/lick your cock/balls/ass/chest/neck?”;  “Tell me what you want.” Asking the questions will serve multiple functions — you’ll learn more about what he likes, you’ll turn yourself on more by saying such racy things, they require participation and they’re easy enough for him to take dirty talk for a test run. 

If dirty talk — or just sounds of approval in general — are very important to you, you may want to bring up the topic outside of the bedroom. Over coffee or during a quiet study session, tap your lover on the thigh or hand, look at him coyly and say, “Hey you know what I really like? Hearing you moan while I’m fucking you/giving you head/kissing you.”

That’s all for now, folks! Stay sexy and safe everyone.

Sam is a senior and wannabe Cosmo writer. Hit her up at [email protected] with your kinky questions for next time.