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The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

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Who the Time 100 forgot

Sarah:

Each year, Time, Inc. produces a bare-bones, multi-category list of what it calls the “100 most influential people in the world.” This has been going on since it debuted in 1999 – to put it in perspective, think pre-middle school and pre-Y2K scare (and if your dads are like mine and Ann’s, you’ve been eating unnecessary stores of Tang and freeze-dried food ever since). The purpose of the list is to recognize the influence of certain people, whether they are leaders and revolutionaries, builders and titans, artists and entertainers, scientists and thinkers and heroes and icons.

However, unbeknownst to them, the “Time 100” selectors have been depraved. They’ve assembled nation leaders and household names year after year, some better than others, but never have they been fortunate enough to find a person qualified for each of these criteria. I feel they would find this in my senior ArtsEtc. editor, Ann Rivall.

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Just as she is the doted-upon starlet of any social gathering, Ann would be welcomed with open arms to the 2011 Time 100 squad. It’s easy to see her rubbing shoulders with comedian Amy Poehler, since she has been said to look and act eerily like the A-lister’s “Parks and Recreation” character April Ludgate – but we all know it’s just the bangs. She’d also fit right in with all the other nerds, like Mark Zuckerberg and Julian Assange. She might not be a “tiger mom,” but many have likened her, most likely due to her long auburn locks and fiery demeanor, to a tigress.

So which global notable would I knock off in order for Ann to deservedly swoop in and replace? My vote’s for Justin Bieber – although I’m well aware how much his haircut earlier this year influenced many a young teen. In fact, Ann has met Justin Bieber, and admitted he is “cuter in person.” Perhaps next year the 100th spot can go to the genius who develops a cure for the “Bieber Fever.”

Ann:

When paging through this year’s “Time 100,” I noticed a glaring absence and was sincerely shocked to see the one human being integral to so much global change missing: Sarah Witman. While I applauded their inclusion of Chris Colfer and Patti Smith, the entire shebang immediately lost credibility once I noticed my fellow ArtsEtc. editor was harshly overlooked.

Really, Time? You’ll include resident “Gossip Girl” Blake Lively because she’s the “all-American girl,” but you’ll neglect to recognize my partner in calculating crime? Not only can she reach the pitch-perfect adorbleness of Marcel the Shell, but she can also definitely hold her punches in a fight better than honoree Mark Wahlberg can. It’s a little known fact, but she routinely strikes fear within her fellow Heralders eyes whenever provoked, especially when our naive colleagues attempt to bait her by attributing her bunny genes to her carefully constructed facade of tender cuteness – a mistake many have painfully regretted.

Sure, some of these “influential” people are advocating for school reform, curing fatal diseases or just being Oprah, but are they also followed by Yoko Ono on Twitter? Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

So what makes an influential person like Sarah so influential? To answer this, I turn to my perennial life guide and look down at my wrist. Why? Because around my wrist are the tattooed words “WWSWD”? You guessed it, “What Would Sarah Witman Do”? This habitually leads me to stay up until 6 a.m. on a Thursday night/morning to finish a paper while intermittently taking a break to trim my bangs and tweet at Yoko Ono, and it also frequently causes me to text photos of long lost Furbys to various friends. Let’s just say Sarah and Angry Birds creator Peter Vesterbacka, also a member of the distinguished 2011 Time 100 team, would have a lot to talk about.

So now that one more person has been added, who would I take off the original, heinously compiled list to take the 100th spot? Justin Bieber. Sarah and I agree finally agree on one thing – it’s the hair.

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