Polamalu’s brunette tresses cascade over head, shoulders like a frickin’ god
Offensively speaking, the Packers have absolutely nothing to worry about in the realm of talent, strategy or athleticism when coming up against the Pittsburgh Steelers this Sunday. Nevertheless, it is imperative that the Green and Gold do not become blindsided by a critical third factor in this matchup: No. 1 defenseman Troy Polamalu’s hair.
Polamalu’s lusciously dark, cascading curlicues are instant jaw-droppers – which could unfortunately translate into many Packer fumbles on the field. The Pack admittedly has a decent head of hair in Clay Matthews, but his brassy tresses are far less appealing to the average sports fan. Matthews already had to settle for runner-up behind Polamalu for NFL defender of the year; shouldn’t he be trying to make it up to himself with a little volume?
On the side from his pro-football career with the Steelers, Polamalu does some endorsements (including, rightfully so, modeling) for his shampoo brand of choice, Head and Shoulders. The company has actually insured his hair – he has allegedly been growing it for over a decade – for over $1 million. It’s not as if those curls are in much danger of being ripped out back on Polamalu’s position of the field, but I think it says something that Suave, Matthews’ counterpart shampoo endorsee, clearly doesn’t care enough about the linebacker’s stringy, colorless locks to actually protect its investment.
Speaking in terms of hair alone, Polamalu reigns supreme to all athletes (yes, even carrot-top snowboarder Shaun White) – thus, the Packers should consider this a friendly warning (two days should be long enough to build up a regimen to combat against all negative hair-related effects). Consider what a tragedy it would be if Packers receiver Greg Jennings were to falter, inches away from the endzone, because Polamalu’s Rapunzel-esque mane caught his eye from yards away. Somehow I feel even true Packer Backers couldn’t forgive a fluke like that.
Matthews’ hairstyles prove blondes really do have more fun – at kicking Steeler ass
Truthfully, Sarah and I couldn’t be happier that the highly anticipated Super Bowl showdown has transformed into a match-up between the two most Fabio-esque coifs the NFL has ever put in uniforms.
Perhaps it’s my penchant for the Beach Boys, or maybe it’s my California roots, but I don’t think any head of luscious blonde locks could possibly compare to the “Clay-maker.”
When attempting to find photos of his seductive mane (to add to my wall mural), recurring pictures of him whipping his hair back and forth ? la Willow Smith or Ariel from “The Little Mermaid” only renewed my conviction that Matthews does indeed possess the superior head of tresses.
Sure, Troy Polamalu has his hair insured for $1 million and a shampoo endorsement deal with Head and Shoulders, but to Sarah I say: Big. Deal. Heidi Klum has her legs insured for $2.2 million, but you don’t see her gloating about those never-ending gams.
Not to be out-coifed, Matthews snagged himself a Suave shampoo campaign. But why is a Suave deal so much sweeter? Because when I think of Head and Shoulders, the word dandruff immediately comes to mind, subsequently followed by a shudder.
Fueling vehement envy within the hearts of Rogaine users everywhere, Matthews uses his hair in ways that are simply unmatched by Polamalu. Recognizing that game-time is go-time, he wears it down, tousled and free underneath that Packer helmet to no doubt distract his balding opponents from successfully running a play. Off the field, his hair is pulled back with a ponytail and scrunchy embodying his stricter alter ego.
At this point, Sarah, you can’t deny that Matthews’ mane has replaced Polamalu’s as the preeminent NFL ‘do. On media day earlier this week, a reporter even requested to stroke Matthews’ hair; and can you blame her? Later, on “NFL Total Access,” Matthews confessed, “I have great hair.” Agreed.
