Because humpday@badgerherald is lacking fresh questions this week, I decided to pull a suggestion from the anonymous online comment boards instead:

This is a sorry excuse for a sex column…. If I don’t have a boner by the time I am done reading the hump day section, then you as a writer have failed. How about an article on the “upper-decker blumpkin AC Slater” and other similar acts?

If anyone would like to find out what the sexual act mentioned above entails, please check urbandictionary.com. This column isn’t a junior high locker room.

And maybe that’s exactly what needs to be reiterated. A college sex advice column is not a letter from Penthouse magazine. Discussing complicated sexual issues will probably not give you a boner every time. Watch porn instead — way more effective.

Our job, rather, is to promote healthy sexual activity around campus and to address the concerns of those who are trying to navigate the open waters of sexuality. Saying the articles are worthless because they are not explicitly pornographic narratives not only is ignorant, but also is insulting. It insinuates the sole purpose of Hump Day is to give an erection to guys who enjoy giggling about the combination of fellatio and feces.

False.

Instead, I want to bring up a very fresh approach to sex in general. I had the pleasure of seeing Jessica Valenti, editor of Feminisiting.com, speak for PAVE during Sexual Assault Awareness Month. She recently wrote a book called “Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape.” In it, Thomas Macaulay Millar’s essay, “Toward a Performance Model of Sex”, outlines a new way to consider fucking that blows our current “commodity” model out of the water. In lieu of considering feminine sexuality (or bluntly, pussy) something that men wish to purchase, steal or get their grubby hands on in any way possible, the performance model outlines one simple theory: we are all musicians. Each of us has a unique sexual instrument. We can get together with other musicians and have a jam session, and from that we can make some very sweet music.

Millar’s model is awesome in several contexts. First of all, it breaks up that stubborn gender binary. What if pussy’s not involved in the scenario, or what if only women are involved in the commodity model? The model does not work for anything other than hetero-normative exchanges. It also puts a price on women’s sexuality; her “worth” is based on supply and demand. And about men being ruthless animals who just want to possess women: yeah, that’s a pretty shitty stereotype for them too. Everybody loses.

In the performance model, sexual exploration is encouraged. This breaks with society’s conventional virginity fetish; no one wants to jam with someone who hasn’t ever touched their instrument. I never improved in playing my non-metaphorical clarinet because I never practiced; in Millar’s model, it’s all about practice, practice, practice. Is one learning method not working for you? There are plenty of schools of thought in getting the sweetest sound from your own instrument. When you play with someone else, neither party “loses part of herself”; you can only get better with rehearsal!

Being a true virtuoso means being familiar with many different musical styles. Some might like to play gritty blues while others stick to Romantic classical arrangements. You can teach your partners a new style they aren’t familiar with, and instead of expecting them to be perfect at it from the start, it’s reasonable to allow them some time to learn the music.

No one would (openly) disagree with the statement that rape is completely awful. However, if you put it in the context of the commodity model, it almost seems par for the course. Women have this valued good, men want it and the most efficient thing to do is just to take it. Vile, yet true. But how fun is it to jam with someone who isn’t playing along with you? If someone stays silent, a solo session would definitely be preferred. The performance model exemplifies the idea that consent should not just be an absence of “no,” but instead a resounding and enthusiastic “YES!”

Metaphors aside, wouldn’t you only want to have sex with people who are completely into it? Guys, to be clear: If someone isn’t enthusiastic about having sex with you, don’t try to have sex. There is a point when you or the other person has had too much to drink to communicate effectively, and even if she wants to shout “no” she might not have the capacity. Your partner didn’t “ask for it.” You assaulted her. We need to come together as a campus and recognize this gigantic problem and start empowering women AND men to speak up

The rape culture (the get-her-drunk-and-fuck-her mentality) glamorizes the commodity model; I’d say it’s about time we all took a stand against such an ugly structure. Why not get together and make some beautiful music instead?

Nikki Signer is a political science and religious studies major and a facilitator for Spill. Jessica Valenti and Thomas Macaulay Millar have been cited without official permission. PAVE and affiliates do not necessarily endorse these views. Send some fresh sexual meat to [email protected]