Tony and I are all about happy endings. Well, sorta.
When we found out that the love lives of both Sandra Bullock and Kate Winslet are swirling the drain, we empathized. We ate our feelings with Ben & Jerry’s. We cried. We drank ourselves into a stupor. (Okay, Tony says he wasn’t that upset, but he just doesn’t want people to know he has a sensitive side.) But then we decided to pull ourselves together and be proactive about this. We decided to give these two leading ladies the happy ending they deserve, and there’s only one way we can do that: a PCP.
If our friends Kate and Sandra each had a movie made about her marital issues, which would be the one audiences would see?
Well, duh — Kate Winslet’s. It’s a captivating story about a Hollywood relationship that turned into a power struggle of whose career matters more. Better still, it’s also a story about the possibility of your husband having a little something on the side.
Winslet always turns out a stunning performance. The same, unfortunately, cannot be said for Sandra Bullock, who managed the feat of winning a Razzie for “All About Steve” the day before she won an Oscar for “The Blind Side.” With Winslet at the helm, we know the movie would be amazing from the get-go.
And, readers, I think we all know how it would end, and his name is Leo. Yes, after our favorite British actress gets her heart broken and the first place she’s going is to the wide, open, welcoming arms of Leonardo DiCaprio. As a matter of fact, rumor has it that’s what she’s been up to lately anyway.
Of course, if the two did wind up falling for each other (yes, I’m aware he’s still in some kind of relationship with Bar Refaeli, but that’s a minor detail), it’d be the media event of the year. No ? century. The dreams of every single person who saw “Titanic” would come true as Kate walked down the aisle to Leo. I’m pretty sure we’d all die happy if that were the case.
Oh, and good Lord, the title! “Her Heart Will Go On.” Absolutely nothing would top it. Hell, Winslet would probably win an Oscar for simply inspiring such a masterpiece.
Just when she was on the top of her game [image of Sandra Bullock accepting her Best Actress Oscar], everything came tumbling down as America’s favorite sweetheart actress was blind sided [image of Jesse James kissing another woman]. Academy Award winner Sandra Bullock is Sandra Bullock in “Jesse James is a Dead Man: The Movie.”
Okay, so, using the title of James’ current show on Spike TV when the film would have nothing to do with the show’s premise — James performing death-defying stunts — is a catchy cop-out, but it would still involve James defying death, just at the hands of Bullock instead.
The plot of this slightly dark romantic comedy would involve Bullock inconspicuously trying to kill James — playing himself, of course — in their home by setting a number of wacky, highly developed booby traps that would allow for witty jokes and dialogue. Although unaware of Bullock’s attempts at first, James will eventually catch on, but will decide to cautiously play along in the hope of beating her in her own game, resulting in Bullock taking him back.
The twist will come when James’ fling — Meryl Streep as herself, channeling her inner Alex Forrest from “Fatal Attraction” — plans the ultimate death trap for Bullock, because she can’t stop thinking about Bullock since their kiss and is infuriated that Bullock doesn’t share the same lesbian feelings. Streep will eventually reveal this to Bullock, who will come to the painful realization that James had never stopped loving her — he had only been seduced by the vengeful Streep.
In the end, James will kill Streep and save Bullock, resulting in a dramatic kiss and happy reunion for the married couple, riding off together into the sunset on a motorcycle.
Quentin Tarantino will also direct the film in the style of a darkly comedic “Kill Bill.” Therefore, there will be plenty of violence, fight sequences and a bloody good screenplay.
“Jesse James is a Dead Man: The Movie” will eventually receive multiple Oscar nominations and Streep will win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, ending her 28 year drought.
So there you have it. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel after all, Sandra.