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Autofellatio finally explained
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Also by Hump Day columnists:
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- Some words for gay people only (March 3, 2009)
- Exploring and deconstructing the world of fetishism (March 31, 2009)
- Sex team assembles to reiterate column's purpose, goals (September 29, 2009)
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Black coffee. Sunbeam naps. YouTube videos of kittens. These are a few of my favorite things. Oh, and cocksucking. Getting mine sucked too, actually. And I think most guys would agree with me on that second part. Most, however, never find out if giving head is as delightful as receiving it. But that doesn’t stop guys from trying to get a cock in their mouth.
No, I’m not talking about “straight” guys like Larry Craig or Mark Foley. I’m talking about their own cock and something I bet nearly every guy has tried to do at least once — perform autofellatio. (Fellatio means cocksucking, “auto” means self. You get the idea. Check out the Wikipedia page for an… illustrative example and further reading about how the Egyptian gods blew themselves frequently.)
Whether or not they admit it, every guy has swung his legs over his head out of curiosity to see if he could have a taste, so to speak. Many probably tried this before they had ever even received head from someone else. And why wouldn’t they? We typically start masturbating years before we have any actual sexual interaction. But it’s the whole “penis-in-the-mouth = gay” thing that instills enough insecurity for many men to deny ever having strained desperately to “make contact.” And it makes sense — blowing yourself is as gay as blowing another dude, just like whacking off is as gay as giving a guy a hand job. Oh wait…
So now the shame’s aside, let’s talk about how to get your cock from down there to up here. Curiosity killed the cat, and while you probably won’t die trying autofellatio — though talk about embarrassing when they’d find your body — doing it wrong could mess up your back pretty badly. There are two common positions for performing autofellatio: on your back with your legs behind your head or crouched forward while in a sitting position.
If attempting the first method, lay supine on a soft surface like a bed with your head against a wall then elevate your legs until your feet meet the wall. Then try slowly walking your feet down the wall, bringing them, and your cock, closer to your head. Some people get better results if they bend their knees, but either way the important thing is not to suddenly put too much stress on your back or neck muscles. Similarly, some people prefer some sort of neck support — others don’t.
The second method (as depicted on the Wikipedia page) involves less risk of injury, but also seems more difficult for most guys. Try planting your legs, knees bent, widely enough apart so you can lock your arms in them to help pull your upper body further down toward the goal. In both positions, but especially this one, the trick is in sucking in your abdomen as much as possible. Again, if your neck starts hurting, stop before you land yourself in an intensive care waiting room and a neck brace you’ll have to embarrassingly explain for three weeks.
Essentially, there are three main factors that determine whether a guy can pull off the mystical feat of autofellatio: body fitness, flexibility and cock size. The better shape you’re in — in particular, the flatter your stomach is so it doesn’t get in the way — the better off you’ll be. Similarly, while you don’t need to be a Cirque du Soleil contortionist, the more flexible you are, the better. Lastly, and least controllably, the more endowed you are, the less distance you’ll have to cover. If you find that you can’t quite pull it off (in?), your best chance would be improving your flexibility. Just remember yoga can only do so much, and most guys can’t and never will be able to suck themselves, so don’t feel bad if you can’t either.
One more thing about autofellatio — it doesn’t have to be done alone. You might ask “But why suck myself if my partner is here to suck me?” Just like watching your partner pleasure his or herself manually can be very arousing, so too can watching him suck himself, even if he can only lick it a little. Or you could turn up the kink by taking advantage of the compromising position he’s in, experiment with (reverse-) snowballing, etc.
Speaking of cocksucking…
Could you give me some tips on how to give head? Whenever I go down on a guy, he’s either bored or I feel like I’m choking on his cock, which isn’t pleasant. What are some ways to keep him interested without forcing his cock half the way down my esophagus?
— Guy About to Give
Whether or not the cock in your mouth is yours or someone else’s, GAG, there are a few things to keep in mind while giving oral sex. I always joke gay guys give better head than girls because “we know what feels good.” But that is only half true because it assumes what feels good for me also feels good for every other guy, which isn’t likely. The truth is every guy’s cock, like a snowflake, is unique and will respond differently to various techniques. So while you may know what feels good for you — and that’s probably a good place to start when sucking someone else — variety is the key to find out what he likes (read: what makes him moan louder). Try alternating speed, tongue movement, intensity of suction, area of focus, etc. You do not have to always be deep-throating him, GAG, but an occasional plunge, especially for the first suck, can be very pleasurable. If you feel choked, try a position that puts you in control of the sucking and allows you to extend and straighten your neck.
Every guy will like it a little differently, but there are a few universalities. Be passionate about it! Or at least pretend like you’re really enjoying giving him head (and why shouldn’t you be, GAG?). If you’re going about it like it were a chore or as if you just want him to cum so you can be done, the lack of fervor will transfer to him and yes, he’ll be bored too. Make some noise, make him make some noise, touch yourself when you’re taking a break from touching him, etc.
Secondly, use your hands! Not the whole time obviously, but considering guys get off via their hand more than anything else, many won’t cum very easily without some manual help. And while you’re using your hands, take advantage of your location! Sucking cock puts you directly within hand or tongue’s reach of his hips, inner thighs, balls, perineum and ass. Why neglect them?
So this is sadly my last column. To my readers, thank you so much. And to the haters — go suck yourself.
AG is graduating in May. His stint at Hump Day may be over, but his sex advice is not — keep writing to Hump Day, too at humpday@badgerherald.com.
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like a snowflake…wow…
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gross. this should not be discussed in the school newspaper. I am ashamed and disgusted
IP hash: 9bba8b5d
Anyone who is grossed out by autofellatio is jealous that they can’t do it.
IP hash: 1e3dc316
im gonna go ahead and call bs that most guys have done that, forgetting the fact that there’s no data on that and that you’re just assuming that most guys have done it because you have, there is no way a most guys would do that, it is actually pretty gross still in the mind of a straight guy, it’d be like putting your wang up your own butt, there’s a little bit of disconnect between hand and wang but not mouth and wang
IP hash: 59793de3
this seems pretty desperate. really, this is all you could think of to write about>
IP hash: c686593c
Tom Schalmo, what the hell are you doing? Letting Smathers run the show already? Damn this is trashy.
IP hash: 4afc694d
Epitome of ‘Badger Herald’ Journalism
IP hash: 299fe453
Who let this get published… the BH is a joke
IP hash: 2c21d7ee
the herald is slowly turning into the most unreliable source of news ive ever seen
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Classy, quality journalism.
IP hash: 8935d3f1
lolz. it’s a sex column, people. since when is it supposed to be “classy”?
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high standards of journalism
IP hash: 26bd0d76
i’m laughing right now, really
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“the herald is slowly turning into the most unreliable source of news ive ever seen”
This is the Arts section, the equivalent of the entertainment section. Since when did this particular section of the paper become the source for news?
And to those that think that it’s “gross,” I have the solution: don’t fucking read it.
Mr. Garens, you will be missed.
IP hash: 3a16c27f
I second 11:01. Great article. Great writing. Hilarious.
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Wish I could suck my own dick
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In addition to masturbating with my hand, I also wipe my ass with my hand. There are some things the mouth is not meant to do!
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ONCE AGAIN, THE BH IS A JOKE
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this type of stuff is going to go over really well in law school
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well not “everyone” has “done” it but almost “everyone” has “tried” to do it. pretty sure anyone who hasnt tried this is thinking, hmm maybe i can do it ‘five minutes later’ Ahhhh my back.
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absolutely fantastic writing, Alex. loved it.
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Hmm. I wonder how many of these comments were written by Alex Garens.
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god, i wish i could suck myself!!!!!!!!
IP hash: 3b9b0a26
i can suck my cock in normal position i.e. when it is not erected. i can even touch the place between eyebrows with the tip of my cock. you may contact me at mozartomaniac2gmail.com
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