The Badger Herald: ArtsEtc.: How to use food in the bedroom

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How to use food in the bedroom

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Also by Alex Truong:

Movie proves 'Old Dogs' can't learn any new tricks (November 30, 2009)
I wanna be...all by myself (October 27, 2009)
Flick 'Saws' through past innovation (October 25, 2009)

By Alex Truong
Thursday, February 12, 2009 10:07 p.m.

10 Vote 0 Votes

Sex can be seen as a three-course meal consisting of foreplay, intercourse and cuddling. Playing with food in bed can open doors to new sensations and crazy maneuvers that might not even occur to run-of-the-mill missionary lovers, but on the flip side, it can also lead to a lot of awkwardness and maybe even a substantial amount of time spent cleaning gross stains out of bed sheets. The advantages of adventurousness and the perils of perfunctory sexual process are all too real. Such a tricky road demands a navigator, and I’ve set out to help anyone who’s ever looked at a can of whipped cream and imagined something beyond a popular sundae topping.

Remember to keep in mind that the point of food play in bed is to enhance the sexual experience by giving in to the two base, animalistic desires of hunger and reproduction. If bringing food into the bedroom doesn’t result in being more turned on, leave it out. There are times when raspberries might be a good idea, but doing weird stuff like throwing salsa on your lover’s back when doing it doggy style and eating chips off her is a bad idea.

Sometimes you hear people saying things in lusty-esque fashion like, “I want to cover your body in honey and lick it all off you.” This can lead to a dangerous area of calling an ambulance because someone is suffering from a diabetic coma, which is definitely not sexy. This rules out chocolate syrup, caramel and honey. Erring on the side of light and sweet is recommended. Fullness is satisfaction, and satisfaction should always be experienced at the end of the bed party lest you find yourself too sleepy or too sluggish mid-coitus to be sexy. If you cannot resist the temptation of turning a booty call into a Snickers bar, use the heavy syrups sparingly. Only apply enough liquid that can be sucked off completely. The sugars can make skin sticky and stale feeling. Whipped cream, the classic and standard, is great for this purpose. It’s light enough to not make a horrible mess and sweet enough to be enticing. The thick, foamy application can also leave more to the imagination, which is good because mystery and foreplay tend to go hand in hand.

A remark on pre-sex date protocol should be made. If there is indeed a dinner date leading up to an obvious encounter, make sure not to eat too much or not to eat anything extra salty or hearty. Being too full has the aforementioned drawbacks, and high-sodium foods can also lead to being tired or just having stomach turmoil, which is not conducive to passionate lovemaking. Having wine and avoiding too much onion or garlic are obvious features of a good pre-sex food warm up and will be noted no more extensively than this sentence. The meal itself should be intriguing and involve hands-on stimulation. Try feeding each other sushi (with low sodium soy sauce, for a number of reasons including the one above). Exotic foods that aren’t too adventurous work well, but despite popular belief, avoid oysters unless you both actually enjoy them genuinely. The aphrodisiac qualities of the shellfish are not well substantiated, with the myth stemming mainly from the fact that oysters taste like genitals. Gross.

Foreplay and food should mean a lot of teasing and oral. As far as teasing goes, one recipe that does the trick calls for ice and blindfolds. You could also use chocolate covered strawberries, and with the blindfold in play the whole thing relies heavily on trust to work in bed. Those who are squeamish about giving or even receiving might be a little more comfortable with some sweet thrown in the mix. Edible underwear is a novel intimate that can provide a sometimes (and unfortunately) much needed incentive for cunnilingus. They are usually made of a fruit rollup type gummy material, though there are pairs of edible underwear that resemble candy necklaces. I would recommend the fruit snack kind over the hard candy variety, though both are arguably for more novel purposes than genuinely sexy ones. How sexy (or rather, unsexy) is it to be crunching away at gross, off-brand condensed sugar while trying to get down to business? Edible undies should be licked and rubbed upon without discomfort, so if you’re going down this route make sure that its not only comfortable to wear, but yummy to eat as well.

Flavored lubricants can also provide a nice cushion for the orally squeamish, but be warned that the sugars composing the flavoring elements will dry the parts they are applied to and leave everyone in a rather sticky situation. Cautious application should be practiced. Don’t just smear lube all over your man’s penis and in no way should the verb “squirting” be exercised. Lube itself subscribes to the rule of less is more, and it should be delicately dripped on a vagina, or penis, or even dildo. Let me reiterate the lack of necessity in squirting lube. From the sexperts that I’ve talked to at Red Letter News, the adults-only shop on East Washington Ave, it seems the fruitier flavors are optimal relative to more gimmicky chocolate and stranger derivative flavors, though most of them recommend against the flavorings in lieu of stimulating warming and tingling varieties. All of that, however, is a different column.

There are plenty of options available to the adventurous out there, and the role of food play in bed has plenty of room for innovation. I didn’t mention anything along the lines of produce penetration, or stimulation through spicy foods. Organic orgasm-inducing objects abound in this world we live, but always remember that the main point of food in bed is to keep it sexy.

Alex Truong (atruong@badgerherald.com) is a junior majoring in economics.

10 Comments | Leave a comment

Anonymous | February 13, 2009 12:16 AM | Reply
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“…oysters taste like genitals. Gross.”

one sentence later…

“Foreplay and food should mean a lot of teasing and oral.”

I don’t get it. Oral? But genitals taste gross. Is that why we need a “much-needed incentive for cunnilingus?”

Jesus Christ.

Anonymous | February 13, 2009 12:56 AM | Reply
IP hash: f5316bce

Lube itself subscribes to the rule of less is more, and it should be delicately dripped on a vagina, or penis, or even dildo.

Have you ever used lube before? Like, ever?

Stick to the econ.

Anonymous | February 13, 2009 2:07 AM | Reply
IP hash: f5316bce

um. where you drunk when you wrote this? You must be hungry.

I feel that if someone is allergic to some type of food that should be addressed immediately before administering any king of honey, chocolate or caramel.
You know, I like oysters. And I don’t think they taste like genitals. Unless your genitals are doused in massive amounts of butter.
Foreplay can include a lot of things, and not always oral. Teasing is sometimes much more provocative and all together exciting than oral.
The rule of lube is really mostly never LESS IS MORE, especially during anal penetration. Do you WANT to tear someone’s vagina/penis/anus apart? No. If you’re worried about messes, lay a towel down, but get over your fear of too much lube.

I’m really saddened by this uninformed article. Badger Herald, please at least get your sex advice from someone who may have had sex in their life. Or has some friends who understand the in’s and out’s (no pun intended) of sexual behavior.

Thanks.

Erica Andrist | February 13, 2009 9:39 AM | Reply
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Alex,

I can appreciate that you’re trying to address an issue many people explore in the bedroom, but this article is really problematic. From assuming that “sex” constitutes “foreplay, intercourse, and cuddling” to incomplete information to general sex-negativity, I think there are some items which are in dire need of elaboration/clarification.

Safety. The skin of the genitals is different than the skin of, say, the forearm. As such, caramel, chocolate syrup, and honey should be used with caution not only for the reasons you’ve already pointed out, but also because a) unexpected allergic reactions are possible and b) yeast infections are possible, since yeast feed on sugar. These safety caveats (allergies and yeast infections, both of which can happen to male and female bodies) apply to the use of flavored lube and edible underpants, too.
“Less is more” is absolutely not the rule when it comes to using lubricant. If that were true, there would be no need to use it at all. Especially during anal play (like 2:07 points out), a couple drops of lube isn’t going to be worth anything. Squirt it, on a “vagina,” penis, or “even” a dildo. It’s fine. Further, “warming and tingling” lubricants can irritate the skin of the genitals and interrupt sex play by requiring a hasty shower so we can get it the hell off us.
“Edible underwear is a novel intimate that can provide a sometimes (and unfortunately) much needed incentive for cunnilingus.” Okay. First of all, most edible underwear tastes like a watered-down version of a 4-year-old Fruit Roll-Up. Second, if our partners enjoy receiving oral sex, then seeing her writhe or giving him a great orgasm is a pretty damn good incentive all by itself. Third, if the taste of your partner isn’t something you enjoy, there are several ways you can work around this without busting out sugared sandpaper. Beginning options would be to take a shower together before sex play, enjoying a breakfast of pineapple with your lover the morning before (which will change the taste of both your genital secretions), or making sure both of you stay well-hydrated.
I love getting fucked doggy-style while my partner eats salsa off my back. Ole!

Anonymous | February 13, 2009 12:24 PM | Reply
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Wow. This article is seriously disappointing. It’s written from an incredibly sex-negative and masculine-centric point of view. I’m not saying it needs to be written from a woman’s point of view, but you should at least have taken that into consideration.

I hope you stick to writing about food and leave the sex advice to experts, or I’ll start encouraging everyone I know to pull their readership and advertising from this paper.

Anonymous | February 13, 2009 1:49 PM | Reply
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(problematic) content aside— you’re just not a very good writer. at all.

Anonymous | February 13, 2009 7:10 PM | Reply
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i agree with 1:49, not a good writer at all. Just no. Stop writing. This was a bad article and your food columns aren’t any better.

Anonymous | February 15, 2009 2:30 PM | Reply
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I agree with the two previous comments. Your such a terrible writer and know nothing about food. Your attempts at entertaining the readers just don’t work. I’m sick of seeing the Herald employ writers that are idiots. I for one am going to encourage my friends, aquaintances, anyone who I can reach to stop reading the Herald as long as the ArtsEtc. section still employs you. You should resign and stick to economics. You definitely aren’t good at writing.